I can't shake some abusive treatment from a long time ago (men, love)
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You know, the "da da dada...da da dada." (wedding march)
"HOLY CRAP! WHAT AM I DOING?!? AGHHHHHHH!!!"
Yep. My brother (Who NEVER asks advice of anybody) called me two months before his first marriage and said, "She's moved out of the bedroom. What do I do now?"
To which I said, "Rudy, if you call this wedding off, nobody will think badly of you. But if you get married with all this stuff unresolved, then saying, "I do" will just make things worse in the long run.
Well, they went through with the wedding and, four months later, they were divorced. Of course the fact that their honeymoon on a Caribbean island was rudely interrupted by a category 4 hurricane might have accelerated matters.
You've been in denial for many years because you pushed it under the rug and took the abuse, and it left you hurting. I suggest a therapist will be the only way you can deal with this.
You've been in denial for many years because you pushed it under the rug and took the abuse, and it left you hurting. I suggest a therapist will be the only way you can deal with this.
Yep. But confronting her now about something she did 26 years ago is counterproductive.
Actually, he allowed her to mess him up. He gave consent for the treatment.
OP, just talk to her and tell her what is on your mind.
OMG how can you not be appalled by her behavior!!?? If it was a guy doing this to a girl your're post would a have decidely been different.. VERY interesting
It's not about the abuse from the lady mentioned. It's about treatment from long ago.
We put up with what we're conditioned to accept, what value we are told we have by those who shaped our personalities.
yeah, and besides the cheating, but making a date while you're in bed together? that's just shameful! I would've said, "ok honey, have a great time on your date", and marched straight to the lawyer's office! (with the phone records!)
I totally agree... it's exactly that-- just shameful and unfortunate this is a classic example of an abusive relationship. Men do this to women too..but not as easily as a woman can do it to a man.
Wow...and I thought I had put up with some stuff over the years. I'm thinking I would have walked pretty early on but since your married now, and you say it's strong, the baggage has to go. My wife packed around her previous husbands abuse to her for years and made me pay the price for his actions, until I put on the brakes REAL sudden like. Similar situation. I reckon that talking with her and laying it on the line might help. It could at least be interesting to see how she justifies those actions after so much time. Then again I
m not really qualified to offer advice I guess...I have my own issues that I can't resolve. But if you want to stay in the marrige it makes sense to get things off your chest.
right, and I think men try to hide it better. they would make the date in secret, not boldy in front of the woman!
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeanACM
I totally agree... it's exactly that-- just shameful and unfortunate this is a classic example of an abusive relationship. Men do this to women too..but not as easily as a woman can do it to a man.
Congratualations, man. You're finally starting to grow your balls back all this time after letting her cut them off. That's right, you LET her cut them off but now they're growing back and there's three things you will most likely do.
The first is that you'll cheat on her just to get over it. Men are competitive creatures and they can't stand living in a situation where someone else, especially a woman, one-ups them. I know that sounds like macho bull ****e (to women and feminized "enlightened" men) but it's just a fact and cheating on her will give you a sense of getting even.
The second scenario is the same as the first except you'll let her know about it so that you can be as cruel to her as you feel she was to you.
Either one of the two, once it's out in the open will probably ruin your marriage, if not end it all together.
The third (and least likely) scenario is that you'll talk to her about it and come to terms with the fact that you can't live with this baggage or her and leave. I say it's the least likely because you've already proven that you don't have the courage or self esteem to stand up for yourself so, at best, you'll take the coward's way out and cheat.
There are other possibilities too like going to therapy and staying in a miserable situation. In any case, you probably won't do what's best for you since you obviously decided a long time ago that you don't deserve to be happy.
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