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Your mom needs to get into Al-Anon. In fact, why don't you invite her to go with you because it might help you to learn to deal with your family better?
It doesn't matter if your dad admits he's an alcoholic. It matters that the drinking is causing a problem in the family. You can't force your dad to get help but you and your mom can learn about the dynamics of your family and find the strength and tools to do what's best for you.
Oh, and about Alzheimer's, dealing with a spouse's alcoholism can lead to depression and depression can be accompanied by memory loss. You may think your dad's drinking isn't as bad as your mom implies, but even if you live in the same house there are things between a husband and wife that you have no idea about. You can't know everything your mom has endured because of your dad's drinking.
Good suggestions here. You can go to Al Anon yourself- I think you will find a good support network there and may get other ideas on how to deal with the situation.
You also might try writing your mom a letter. Sleep on it for a few days, edit, sleep on it, then give it to her. Ditto with your dad- either a separate letter or one for both. Point out the things that you love about them and objectively describe the hurtful things. Sometimes just writing the letter itself and not giving it can help.
It sounds as though your mom is lashing out out of fear, misdirecting her anger at the family. She sounds scared and frustrated. Not acceptable, to be sure, but human, I guess. Easier said than done (I am still perfecting this), but if possible to keep an emotional arm's distance from her ranting- just disengage and let it go- it helps.
I've actually already brought up the drinking TO my dad, but of course he doesn't think anythings wrong. (some nights it's red wine, in the past it's been beer, lately it's been scotch and water).... so we've tried to get him to realize that it's a bit excessive, but really he never drinks enought to get totally DRUNK, but I'm not excusing it, he DOES drink every night when he comes home.
As far as my mom goes. I've noticed her deteriorating over the years. She USE to be a lot more pleasant and never was so combative. IT wasn't until she hit menopause and was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and stopped working out that she suddenly started to be so negative. I've tried coaxing her to go back to working out, but she just uses the excuse that she's too busy (which is a load of CRAP cuz I'm currently working 6 days a week, 10 hours a day and I still fit working out 4-5 days in!).....
I agree, it's not healthy and it's excessive to drink every night after work. At the very least, it's self medicating gone wrong. Maybe you can get your dad to check out meditation or yoga as an alternative way to unwind. When the weather gets warmer, he and your mom could start taking some long walks together in a park. They could even be silent walks. lol
Your mom is a frustrated woman. While it's very admirable that she's stuck to her marriage vows all these years, she's still an unhappy unfulfilled woman. Here she is doing all the right things, and her life is miserable. Another suggestion is for her to get out of the house and find some volunteer or charity work for her to do that would make her feel good doing it. Sometimes seeing others in worse situations can help put a better perspective on her life.
I wouldn't bring up your mom's Alzheimer's potential to her at this time. That will just send her over the edge and get her even more defensive. Plus I think she knows her risk factors and it's already a worry for her. However, you can do more research in terms of treatments and mind exercises. If she doesn't like reading, maybe enrolling in some art classes might be enjoyable and relaxing for her. Just keep her using her brain.
Surround and hug and don't let go til everyone gets it
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and don't let go til everyone gets it
