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written by a 40ish woman recommending that women "settle" before it was too late. Her thesis was that there are important things that one shouldn't compromise on and the rest should be considered as nice but likely not all attainable. Her article sprung from her own experience of regret for not settling and the very limited prospects for women over 40.
This article set off a firestorm of comments on many sights that echoed around for several months. I enjoyed the comments the most because they were a window on why the institution of marriage is in so much trouble.
Most women under 40 were adamant that settling would mean the difference between snagging prince charming and settling for a druken wife beater. What was interesting were the references to long lists of atttributes that a potential spouse must have. Few actually posted these lists - perhaps it would be too embarassing or a potential suiter could use it to perpetrate a fraud! At the same time, attributes like being a decent man, ready to learn and improve with good prospects were seldom mentioned. Those refusing to settle want the full enchilada, not potential!
Any comments on this? What would you settle on. Why would you refuse to settle. Do you think this is a problem for some women?
Well I think you can't have your cake and eat it too. I mean if I were to get married, which I think is very unlikely, I'm not adamantly against it as I am adamantly against having kids, but I just think it'd be very unlikely for me. I won't rule it out but at the same time, I would not settle. The girl would have to be virtually perfect for me, I'd have to be late 40s or older, probably more like 55, and she'd have to be 28 or so, gorgeous, successful, probably an actress, wealthy too so I wouldn't be worried about gold digging, etc.
BUT if you really want to get married so bad, let's face it, most people are far from perfect even by their own standards, so they can't really expect to find the perfect mate. If I'm just dating a girl, though, or I want a casual fling, my standards go down quite a bit. Instead of a 9 or 10 out of 10 on looks I'm ok with a 7.5, and instead of having to be totally compatible on major life viewpoints, it's ok if we can just agree to disagree. But I wouldn't want a long-term relationship with a girl like that.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I enjoy being alone a lot, the solitude, the freedom, etc., so I am not desperate to remarry. But if I wanted to remarry I wouldn't settle. Not settling to me doesn't mean finding the perfect man b'c there are no perfect people. Not settling to me means being happy with the person you're with, not wanting them to change in any way and accepting them for who they are--flaws and all; not having doubts or regrets about them. I've only felt that once in my 50 years. I don't expect to ever see it again. I feel blessed to have experienced it once.
Well I think you can't have your cake and eat it too. I mean if I were to get married, which I think is very unlikely, I'm not adamantly against it as I am adamantly against having kids, but I just think it'd be very unlikely for me. I won't rule it out but at the same time, I would not settle. The girl would have to be virtually perfect for me, I'd have to be late 40s or older, probably more like 55, and she'd have to be 28 or so, gorgeous, successful, probably an actress, wealthy too so I wouldn't be worried about gold digging, etc.
BUT if you really want to get married so bad, let's face it, most people are far from perfect even by their own standards, so they can't really expect to find the perfect mate. If I'm just dating a girl, though, or I want a casual fling, my standards go down quite a bit. Instead of a 9 or 10 out of 10 on looks I'm ok with a 7.5, and instead of having to be totally compatible on major life viewpoints, it's ok if we can just agree to disagree. But I wouldn't want a long-term relationship with a girl like that.
There's an assumption here that a woman like that would want a relationship with you.
Settling for me would be marrying someone I am not in love with & feel I would not be compatible with. Someone could seem "perfect" on paper & you may end up feeling nothing towards them in reality, so it's not a matter of meeting a long list of requirements. You could also be crazy about someone and they could have a lot of overwhelmingly negative traits that would not make them a good spouse (ie. belligerent in disagreements).
Marrying someone just so I am not alone....that is not an idea I like. I'd rather be alone. I don't want children, so I will wait as long as it takes to find a mutual & healthy love.
I think for women who want children very badly, the conflict of settling may be more real. There's also the self-esteem issue...no one else may want them, this is the best they will ever do, etc.
Some people don't give others enough of a chance though & write them off as "settling" though. My sister was not interested in a male friend of hers who was pretty much in love with her. He married someone else. In hindsight, she kicks herself, because they actually had great chemistry. She just didn't feel what her young idea of "passion" was. Now I think she sees they had a much more real connection.
And almost worse...who would want someone to settle for you?
I enjoy being alone a lot, the solitude, the freedom, etc., so I am not desperate to remarry. But if I wanted to remarry I wouldn't settle. Not settling to me doesn't mean finding the perfect man b'c there are no perfect people. Not settling to me means being happy with the person you're with, not wanting them to change in any way and accepting them for who they are--flaws and all; not having doubts or regrets about them. I've only felt that once in my 50 years. I don't expect to ever see it again. I feel blessed to have experienced it once.
Same here, I love my quiet time....I love being single, living alone in the past. I have past issues with settling in two of my relationships (marriages). Everyone told me I always cut myself short and could do better. I know this but I still settle. I think it was because those men...# 1 said I would I never find a man who would accept me with a kid, and the present that I have too many dogs! Which I do! Well my son is grown and on his own now and my dogs are no longer pups! So I guess there are no more excuses!
I think for women who want children very badly, the conflict of settling may be more real. There's also the self-esteem issue...no one else may want them, this is the best they will ever do, etc.
Some people don't give others enough of a chance though & write them off as "settling" though. My sister was not interested in a male friend of hers who was pretty much in love with her. He married someone else. In hindsight, she kicks herself, because they actually had great chemistry. She just didn't feel what her young idea of "passion" was. Now I think she sees they had a much more real connection.
You hit a couple of the key issues clearly on the head:
Women maintain impossibly high standards until they feel the specter of childlessness and then drop them rapidly make a rash decision.
Settling for me would be marrying someone I am not in love with & feel I would not be compatible with..............
Marrying someone just so I am not alone....that is not an idea I like. I'd rather be alone. I don't want children, so I will wait as long as it takes to find a mutual & healthy love.................
...........who would want someone to settle for you?
I don't feel these are settling but then I am not a woman and may not see things the same.
As to the last question, I believe that many men know that this has occurred and don't or wouldn't have a problem with it. For the most part, we aren't as romantic, so it doesn't hurt. In fact, many would feel that it is a positive. Someone who had high standards now realized that I have plenty of virtues too.
However, this seldom happens. Usually what happens is she finds someone who meets the superficial, physical attributes and overlooks some nasty negative ones or she hopes to control them after marriage. This doesn't work and is not what I consider to be settling - just being oblivious to the consequenses - willfully blind.
And, what, the prospects are that good for a man over 40? Ok.
My advice: don't settle. Be realistic, but don't settle. I don't know one person who "settled" that's content with that choice. Not one.
actually they are. A 40 year old man with no kids, unmarried and a decent career is very high demand. Women are usually attracted to older men anyways and they are even more attracted if the man is well established in life. It isn't uncommon to see a 40 year old well established man with young women.
For women it is a different story. Most guys only value three things: Weight, looks and youth. All of which generally decline after 30 years old.
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