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Oh you are very right. There are many smart people who have absolutely no common sense. But back to poor relationship choices. I think a lot has to do with being young and naive and/or there may be self esteem issues.
When I was younger I was very shy and insecure so I made some lousy choices in relationships. I did learn what "I didn't" want.
Also as far as never taking responsiblity I have no idea where that comes from. Maybe it's something they learned from our government and the big Ceo's in our country.
Good points. I think it may also come to maturity issues, say if a person was very popular in high school, and maybe only 'average' afterward. They may regress to things/choices and types of stuff they did when 16, that may not be appropriate when in their mid twenties.
I've met a few women who change dramatically when their father is around. Acting childish, like Daddys girl. No wonder dad thinks she is immature. (I know there are a fair # of guys who like to play dady but thats a different topic)
A lot of people don't see the full consequences of previous mistakes, so they keep making them again.
An example: i work at a continuation high school with a state run day care. All the girls there don't have to pay for food, insurance, day care for their kids. And now a lot of them are on baby #2 (and in a few cases, #3) If they didn't have parents helping them babysit, a school that takes care of their baby all day long, and paying very little of the bills, do you think that is a mistake they would make over again?
I'm in my 20s, and a lot of the married couples i know make bad financial decisions, and their parents bail them out over and over. Obviously not going to learn from their mistakes that way
Unfortunately I have a few friends that seem to keep getting in trouble in part because the parental bailout has been there....could be thats what our CEOs are doing as well.
Honestly, I think it's basically because people aren't taught about love and relationships properly. I certainly wasn't. I had to learn the hard way, though trial and error and self-help books. How long has it been since you've been on the market? The dating world, it's like the blind leading the blind out there! Hollywood fuels these mythical images of The Ideal Man or The Perfect Woman, which are naturally unattainable, but people still cling to these ideals and wonder why they're alone at 40. Stupid articles in magazines like Cosmo don't offer much real advice you can use. If we come from divorced parents, there are more messages we get about love and relationships; how they don't always last or work out, so we learn to throw in the towel and give up easily, or trade up when we get bored. My daughter is only 8, but already I talk to her about what she should expect in a partner when she gets older. I think this education is crucial and that it needs to come from the home to counter all the negative, unrealistic crap about love and relationships out there, in the media and in the lives of our family and friends.
The real p*sser, is that there are people out there who ostensibly fit the Perfect schema, but they also get rejected. Why? Because a man or woman encountering them figures that there must be more out there and they don't want to limit themselves to the first one they come across.
In effect then, there are a whole host of people out there (both men and women) who when they encounter a good match, simply up their price, effectively pricing themselves out of the dating market completely.
Satisfaction is a rare emotion nowadays. We could all use a little more Zen.
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
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houstoner :
Honestly, I think it's basically because people aren't taught about love and relationships properly. I certainly wasn't. I had to learn the hard way, though trial and error and self-help books. How long has it been since you've been on the market? The dating world, it's like the blind leading the blind out there! Hollywood fuels these mythical images of The Ideal Man or The Perfect Woman, which are naturally unattainable, but people still cling to these ideals and wonder why they're alone at 40. Stupid articles in magazines like Cosmo don't offer much real advice you can use.
If we come from divorced parents, there are more messages we get about love and relationships; how they don't always last or work out, so we learn to throw in the towel and give up easily, or trade up when we get bored. My daughter is only 8, but already I talk to her about what she should expect in a partner when she gets older. I think this education is crucial and that it needs to come from the home to counter all the negative, unrealistic crap about love and relationships out there, in the media and in the lives of our family and friends.
I agree with what you said. I've lived a lot of different places, seen a lot of life, and I've had some real big potholes along the way.
Nowadays, there is at least a lot of information (thank goodness for the internet). But if one does not have an educated, supportive family, school counselor, mentor, partner or someone, anyone who cares, the person will find themselves struggling for quite awhile until (or if) they figure out what it is that makes others succeed. Unfortunately, many remain in that same hole primarily because there is no good access to information or someone to at least give them a tip as to what to look for.
I have my own ghosts of lives past, and I can say that I regret, and at times am resentful, that I did not have anyone to help me. I won't go into my personal history, but suffice to say, it took decades to begin to figure out what was what. And, when you are raised in an environment where you fend for yourself, or you are constantly taking care of others, that becomes engrained. It's certainly not healthy for relationships.
I also worked as a therapist in group homes, and the kids I felt the most for were the ones who were actually gifted (one had a genius IQ).... but they had messed up parents, messed up home situations, messed up lives, no guidance, no mentor, no one who would help them. And here they were, actually good kids who had acted out on their frustrations, but just had no one to guide them. Because they were in a group home only complicated matters – those few I'm speaking about were very, very bright – and they knew it – but didn't know which way to turn because life was so chaotic for them. Being in a group home, they were immediately negatively labeled. I imagine that there are many, many more people out there with good minds, but very bad families and little or no opportunities, nor anyone to at least point them in the right direction. It's as if they are blindfolded.
Those who have come from decent families (every family has something weird to it, it seems), but generally speaking, there are families who really do help their children, who do encourage college, who do help to guide them financially, or educationally. They help with decision-making skills, they help with living skills, they help them to know to whom to speak about questions that they have (be it a school counselor about college, or have contacts about jobs, etc.). These parents become built-in mentors.
Some people are swirling in their own personal tornadoes, and often it does lead to destruction, and sometimes death.
I agree with houstoner that children, even at age 8, need to have "tapes" put into their brains by a responsible adult first about what a child should seek in a partner, in a lifestyle, in education, in a career. Positive information put in first by a responsible person will override those that come later. I'm a firm believer in putting in good tapes before someone else gets to their mind – because, inevitably, someone else WILL put tapes in! Make those good ones count and stick in there longer and stronger.
For people who come from wealth and privilege and still mess up, then I do blame the parents. They had opportunities to teach and guide their children, to instill good values, and if they were too lazy or neglectful to do that, it's bad parenting. Some parents like to hand out money, but not discipline, or create appropriate boundaries between parent and child. But I've seen the seedier side of life, and I know that there are many good minds and good people lost because no one cared. It's not as simple as just having "common sense," because an individual's life is a full component of many, many things. Remember that these adults were once children, and that is where it begins. If a child is lost as a child, it is doubtful that they will find the "right" path very quickly on their own. Maybe later, but maybe not soon enough to help them very much.
And I also agree that the media can be very evil. Hollywood movies and advertising that makes everyone look like they are wealthy are evil, in my opinion. There seems to be little representation about "real" people with "real" lives who struggle to get to the finish line. It's also overflowed into views by people in other countries -- I've run into so many people who live in another country who really think all Americans live like in those Hollywood movies where an apartment, in which none of the residents seemingly even work, are as huge as mansions! It's not realistic. No wonder why so many people feel they have to keep up with the Jones's and have, have, have.
If some people are lucky enough to have had a supportive family, had the opportunity of higher education, and learned the values of choosing correctly early-on, then they will be the ones we will see succeed first. Oh, sure, there are stories of "rags to riches," and those who overcame awful backgrounds – but there are so many more who never claw their way out of those depths of despair and hopelessness. And most will never see them, as they are the invisibles.
When I worked with teens in group homes, one of the first questions people would ask me was: "What's wrong with that kid?" And my answer was, "His parents." And usually that's the truth. If you are a good parent, have good resources, and take seriously your responsibility of raising a child to be a contributing member of society, then you have been very blessed indeed.
Relationships are ruled by emotion. Emotion is a poor foundation in which to build anything logical, rationale or something that is "good for us". It s*cks, but that is the way it is.
How can I give you a quick reputation like the ones I got occasionally from others?
The real p*sser, is that there are people out there who ostensibly fit the Perfect schema, but they also get rejected. Why? Because a man or woman encountering them figures that there must be more out there and they don't want to limit themselves to the first one they come across.
In effect then, there are a whole host of people out there (both men and women) who when they encounter a good match, simply up their price, effectively pricing themselves out of the dating market completely.
Satisfaction is a rare emotion nowadays. We could all use a little more Zen.
You ought to give lectures at colleges like Tariq.
I agree with what you said. I've lived a lot of different places, seen a lot of life, and I've had some real big potholes along the way.
Nowadays, there is at least a lot of information (thank goodness for the internet). But if one does not have an educated, supportive family, school counselor, mentor, partner or someone, anyone who cares, the person will find themselves struggling for quite awhile until (or if) they figure out what it is that makes others succeed. Unfortunately, many remain in that same hole primarily because there is no good access to information or someone to at least give them a tip as to what to look for.
I have my own ghosts of lives past, and I can say that I regret, and at times am resentful, that I did not have anyone to help me. I won't go into my personal history, but suffice to say, it took decades to begin to figure out what was what. And, when you are raised in an environment where you fend for yourself, or you are constantly taking care of others, that becomes engrained. It's certainly not healthy for relationships.
I also worked as a therapist in group homes, and the kids I felt the most for were the ones who were actually gifted (one had a genius IQ).... but they had messed up parents, messed up home situations, messed up lives, no guidance, no mentor, no one who would help them. And here they were, actually good kids who had acted out on their frustrations, but just had no one to guide them. Because they were in a group home only complicated matters – those few I'm speaking about were very, very bright – and they knew it – but didn't know which way to turn because life was so chaotic for them. Being in a group home, they were immediately negatively labeled. I imagine that there are many, many more people out there with good minds, but very bad families and little or no opportunities, nor anyone to at least point them in the right direction. It's as if they are blindfolded.
Those who have come from decent families (every family has something weird to it, it seems), but generally speaking, there are families who really do help their children, who do encourage college, who do help to guide them financially, or educationally. They help with decision-making skills, they help with living skills, they help them to know to whom to speak about questions that they have (be it a school counselor about college, or have contacts about jobs, etc.). These parents become built-in mentors.
Some people are swirling in their own personal tornadoes, and often it does lead to destruction, and sometimes death.
I agree with houstoner that children, even at age 8, need to have "tapes" put into their brains by a responsible adult first about what a child should seek in a partner, in a lifestyle, in education, in a career. Positive information put in first by a responsible person will override those that come later. I'm a firm believer in putting in good tapes before someone else gets to their mind – because, inevitably, someone else WILL put tapes in! Make those good ones count and stick in their longer and stronger.
For people who come from wealth and privilege and still mess up, then I do blame the parents. They had opportunities to teach and guide their children, to instill good values, and if they were too lazy or neglectful to do that, it's bad parenting. Some parents like to hand out money, but not discipline, or create appropriate boundaries between parent and child. But I've seen the seedier side of life, and I know that there are many good minds and good people lost because no one cared. It's not as simple as just having "common sense," because an individual's life is a full component of many, many things. Remember that these adults were once children, and that is where it begins. If a child is lost as a child, it is doubtful that they will find the "right" path very quickly on their own. Maybe later, but maybe not soon enough to help them very much.
And I also agree that the media can be very evil. Hollywood movies and advertising that makes everyone look like they are wealthy are evil, in my opinion. There seems to be little representation about "real" people with "real" lives who struggle to get to the finish line. It's also overflowed into views by people in other countries -- I've run into so many people who live in another country who really think all Americans live like in those Hollywood movies where an apartment, in which none of the residents seemingly even work, are as huge as mansions! It's not realistic. No wonder why so many people feel they have to keep up with the Jones's and have, have, have.
If some people are lucky enough to have had a supportive family, had the opportunity of higher education, and learned the values of choosing correctly early-on, then they will be the ones we will see succeed first. Oh, sure, there are stories of "rags to riches," and those who overcame awful backgrounds – but there are so many more who never claw their way out of those depths of despair and hopelessness. And most will never see them, as they are the invisibles.
When I worked with teens in group homes, one of the first questions people would ask me was: "What's wrong with that kid?" And my answer was, "His parents." And usually that's the truth. If you are a good parent, have good resources, and take seriously your responsibility of raising a child to be a contributing member of society, then you have been very blessed indeed.
This is THE best poster I have seen on CD in my humble opinion.
Thank you and houstoner for your insightful thoughts and words.
Yeah, we could... The problem is that for a while (sometimes long while) we all think nothing's wrong with us at all. Everything is somebody else’s fault.
I used to frown upon Eastern thinking and religions finding them way too bizarre, but there is wisdom in them.
I used to frown on that stuff too, but lately I've been reading and exploring various subjects such as "Eastern" philosophies, and I gotta say they in some ways are more appealing then "Western" way of thinking about things.
In all these anecdotes you see one theme - Individuals who are into short-term pain for the sake of long-term gain (cpg, Driller, just to name 2) are upper-class or become so.
But as Mr. Newton says, every action has an equal and opposite reaction: Individuals that seek short-term pleasure (at the beach with the girls, in Motel 6 reading newspapers) to long-term gain are lower class, or become so.
Not an original idea with me. I think I'm paraphrasing Dr. Thomas Sowell.
This applies to business, it applies to relationships, it applies to life in general.
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It's not realistic. No wonder why so many people feel they have to keep up with the Jones's and have, have, have. 
