Users

[dragon_fly_12]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

5) People who say, "You have to earn my respect." This is a person who is really saying, "You don't have value in my eyes until you do something for me."

I disagree with this point. I am naturally standoff-ish and people do have to earn my respect before I will bend over backwards for them. Once they have my respect, however, I am more than generous and giving, always available if needed. I'm a giver type, I very rarely ask for anything in return. If you lose my respect, you'll be working double time trying to make it up to me.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by chance2jump

I disagree with this point. I am naturally standoff-ish and people do have to earn my respect before I will bend over backwards for them. Once they have my respect, however, I am more than generous and giving, always available if needed. I'm a giver type, I very rarely ask for anything in return. If you lose my respect, you'll be working double time trying to make it up to me.

See, I beg to differ. Why does respecting somebody mean you have to bend over backwards? Why do the two equate in your eyes?

I would offer that your answer implies you're viewing any new person in your life in a transactional light. You start out by not really respecting them. Then they do something for you, which earns respect in your eyes.

Instead, I think a more healthy approach to people is to respect them until given a reason to not do so, whether you're talking about a colleague or the cashier at the grocery store. It's just a lot more fun as well.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

I got a ready answer for this one.

Jay, in college. Arrogant, selfish, proudful prick who basked in an aura of religious self-righteousness; he condemned those who smoke and drank while being a sexually frustrated, perverted individual. And a user.

In my naivete, because I wouldn't do to others what he did, I didn't suspect and notice his user-ness at first until it became painfully obvious.

The dude harped about friendship and loyalty. But, he would ask me or another one of our suitemates (John, who is to this day my best friend) for "small favors," such as helping him take his stuff downstairs to his car when he'd go home for the weekend, or bringing his laundry from the dryer because he was so damn tired. But when John or I asked him for the same favors, he'd refuse with a condescending "Do I have to?"

And when it came to food, the guy was an uneducated peasant. I know this is harsh, but I got to know the man's family. They were hillbillies without any polish.

John and I would often bring food from home and he'd expect to be able to eat it as if it was his. Granted, John and I should've been more direct at first, and we "enabled" him. But being young and naive, I realized that this guy had absolutely no sense of boundaries; he wanted everything others had to be his. He once even asked to borrow a cool walkman I had because his was cheesy and he wanted to look "cool."

And he was cheap. On dinners and lunches with other undergrads, he'd always skimp on paying. He was very clever and sneaky, but I noticed him doing this.

Finally one night I confronted him and threw all this at him. I was shocked at how this son of a Protestant church official and an aspiring pastor himself (he's a pastor now) not only did not deny his guilt, but he said, "so you think I've been a selfish and cheap bastard, right?"

I said, "yes."

He admitted it, and said amidst profanity... "I have my pride and need not explain myself to anybody!"

I walked out of there in disbelief... and this is somebody who had preached about Christianity and Christian friendship to the other guys of our group.

I come back later that night to my room and find an envelope with my name. Inside there was a $50 bill and a letter of apology claiming he didn't know that his habits had gotten to such a level - what hypocrisy. He knew he was being cheap and selfish, and he then indirectly blamed in his letter of apology for not informing him that his user-ness had become intolerable. The letter finished with "if it was 4 bucks there, 6 bucks here, take it! I believe fifty dollars covers. I just don't want to lose a good friend like you."

The friendship was already dead. He wanted to stay friends even after graduation, but once I cut somebody off there is no going back.

Jay now pastors a church - you guys can understand why I have never visited his congregation and have no plans to ever do so.

[sportsfangal]

I've had guys use me for sex. They were concealing it though because we would go out for dinner/drinks, etc. But when it came to actually doing things like hiking, museums, movies, etc they would mysteriously be busy. I would incorrectly assume that they were "friends" of mine and I could just call them up and say, "hey, let's go skiing next week" or "let's go to a movie". Oh No!! that would be considered a "date", and these guys had no intention of actually dating me, but when it comes to sex, they were all over me.
Those days are SO over!!! Once I get a sense of it, I move on immediately! I don't do casual sex. Luckily it hasn't been a long ordeal, I put the cabosh on it long time ago. Now I am much wiser in my approach to these types. I even "test" them- I had a guy who I met at a bar (ok, bad choice, I know) but we exchanged numbers. I had even asked him to meet me to watch a game at a sportsbar during our meeting, he said sure. So we kept in touch, though we never went out, we were intimate twice, he would send me dirty text messages, and his conversations were always sexual, well when I would try and change the subject, he would suddenly need to get off the phone!
so, one day I received one of his dirty texts, describing waht he was doing by himself, etc.
I "tested" him by texting back, "do you want to go out this evening?" I waited, he texted back with "well, I have a terrible cold and I don't want to get you sick, I don't think I'd be very much company", blah blah blah,
needless to say, he never contacted me again, and I did the same!

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

The traits you described are obvious red flags and I think most of us can spot them pretty easily. I'm talking about the person who's a little less obvious. Maybe you have a friend who only spends time with you cause they're lonely and needing someone to listen to them. Maybe you have a partner who only seems to want sex from you. Maybe you have a relative who's always asking for money. These are people who won't make it blatantly obvious they're using you. Maybe even they don't see themselves that way. They're nice and polite. They treat you respectfully. But over time, you look at their behavior and feel like your relationship is lopsided, where you're doing something for them, but rarely do you feel like your needs are being met. I guess instead calling them users, I should just call them selfish.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by chance2jump

I disagree with this point. I am naturally standoff-ish and people do have to earn my respect before I will bend over backwards for them. Once they have my respect, however, I am more than generous and giving, always available if needed. I'm a giver type, I very rarely ask for anything in return. If you lose my respect, you'll be working double time trying to make it up to me.

I kind of agree with the statement:

Originally Posted by cpg35223

5) People who say, "You have to earn my respect." This is a person who is really saying, "You don't have value in my eyes until you do something for me."

It doesn't sound very nice. I give everyone respect unless and until they do something to lose it.

[vukinjo]

Originally Posted by HookTheBrotherUp

I had family members use me as a bank! I was naive and took their word on when they would pay back; I learned quickly and I dealt with it by saying 'The Bank Is Closed!' At first it was awkward, but eventually I learned to say boldly to any family member wanting to "borrow" money, that yes, I had money, but I would not lend any to family unless there was a true emergency, or someone's life was in danger. That was over 15 years ago, I've never been asked for a penny since. It may sound cruel, and heartless, but my family was heartless when it came to asking for it, they expected it without regard to my own circumstances back then.

That was back in a time when I started to excel in my finances as compared to my siblings; all else is normal otherwise, but I still get reminded of that from my siblings now and again in a joking manner.

Yep, same here...this bank is now closed as well. I am still owed money I will likely never see. That's fine..they say you shouldn't loan money you can live without getting back. But that doesn't mean I'm going to add to the amount I won't get back!!

[no8fann]

As good a person as he may have started out to be, my ex was definitely using me. I felt like his maid, his mother, his cook, whatever...there was no friendship, partnership, or relationship of any kind to speak of, except for whatever was convenient for him. I know that depression on his part played into it, but it was way more than that, and it continued after we separated. After a very long separation and a try at it again, I decided it wasn't changing, and it wasn't going to - so I made the decision to finally end it. I feel better about it, and both of us are making changes in a more positive direction now. I don't think he will ever have it up to a level where I would let him back in, knowing his history, but I am glad to see that he is making some strides toward improvement.