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My wife and I have been friends with this couple for 12 years now. I am good friends with the husband and, because he's a crackerjack photographer, I have also enjoyed a professional relationship with him as well.
The wife is a little more difficult. She's profoundly depressive, and she always looking for the next quick spiritual fix to her deep-seated unhappiness. They were always going to one church or another. They buy a house way off in the suburbs because she decides that's going to make her happy, but a week later she's in a funk again. The result? Just a deeply unhappy marriage where she's always brooding, and he's always wondering what trivial thing was going to send her over the edge next.
With me so far?
So the photographer, who has had his stuff published nationally, decides to expand his range and portfolio by taking artistic nudes. Now, by that, I don't mean pornography. I mean shots that would not be out of place hanging in a gallery or in the pages of Communication Arts magazine. This is not an unusual practice, for I have known dozens of shooters, male and female, who have shot nudes. When he shot these nudes, there was always somebody else present, whether a husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or stylist. My friend was never alone in the studio with any of these women.
The problem? He never told his wife. One day, she sees the photos and goes absolutely ballistic, throws him out of the house, and tries to get a family court judge to keep him from seeing his kids on the basis that he's a pornographer and a pervert.
Again, I have seen the photos myself. There is nothing lascivious about them, and certainly not boner material. They are nicely composed and shot.
Part of me knows, without question, that my friend should have absolutely told his wife about this step he was taking. Part of me thinks that he is trying to pursue a legitimate artistic direction in his career. The guy's been a model father to his children and, to me, a pretty tolerant husband.
So now, they're going through a bitter divorce. We invited him to our Christmas party, but not her.
Anybody else have thoughts about this situation? Or taking sides in a divorce in general?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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My experience is no matter how much you like one partner, you can never truly know them as their spouse does. In fact, your stronger feelings for the one you're closer to may sway you. You don't know that he hasn't kept other things from her that contribute to her current emotional state and that this may just in fact be the final straw as far as she's concerned. It's always been my policy to try to stay out of these situations as much as possible aside from a sympathetic ear. And remember what they say, no good deed goes unpunished.
My experience is no matter how much you like one partner, you can never truly know them as their spouse does. In fact, your stronger feelings for the one you're closer to may sway you. You don't know that he hasn't kept other things from her that contribute to her current emotional state and that this may just in fact be the final straw as far as she's concerned. It's always been my policy to try to stay out of these situations as much as possible aside from a sympathetic ear. And remember what they say, no good deed goes unpunished.
That's good advice. I'm not intervening. But, when the dust settles, I already know who I'd rather be friends with. And Mrs. CPG just can't bring herself to call the wife, because she's so depressing to deal with.
In my opinion, inviting him to our Christmas party wasn't intervening, was it?
My wife and I have been friends with this couple for 12 years now. I am good friends with the husband and, because he's a crackerjack photographer, I have also enjoyed a professional relationship with him as well.
The wife is a little more difficult. She's profoundly depressive, and she always looking for the next quick spiritual fix to her deep-seated unhappiness. They were always going to one church or another. They buy a house way off in the suburbs because she decides that's going to make her happy, but a week later she's in a funk again. The result? Just a deeply unhappy marriage where she's always brooding, and he's always wondering what trivial thing was going to send her over the edge next.
With me so far?
So the photographer, who has had his stuff published nationally, decides to expand his range and portfolio by taking artistic nudes. Now, by that, I don't mean pornography. I mean shots that would not be out of place hanging in a gallery or in the pages of Communication Arts magazine. This is not an unusual practice, for I have known dozens of shooters, male and female, who have shot nudes. When he shot these nudes, there was always somebody else present, whether a husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or stylist. My friend was never alone in the studio with any of these women.
The problem? He never told his wife. One day, she sees the photos and goes absolutely ballistic, throws him out of the house, and tries to get a family court judge to keep him from seeing his kids on the basis that he's a pornographer and a pervert.
Again, I have seen the photos myself. There is nothing lascivious about them, and certainly not boner material. They are nicely composed and shot.
Part of me knows, without question, that my friend should have absolutely told his wife about this step he was taking. Part of me thinks that he is trying to pursue a legitimate artistic direction in his career. The guy's been a model father to his children and, to me, a pretty tolerant husband.
So now, they're going through a bitter divorce. We invited him to our Christmas party, but not her.
Anybody else have thoughts about this situation? Or taking sides in a divorce in general?
In my opinion, I say let them divorce. Give him support. She sounds pretty whacko.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,945,126 times
Reputation: 9417
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
That's good advice. I'm not intervening. But, when the dust settles, I already know who I'd rather be friends with. And Mrs. CPG just can't bring herself to call the wife, because she's so depressing to deal with.
In my opinion, inviting him to our Christmas party wasn't intervening, was it?
I don't think so but only you can make that call. Just know there will probably be hard feelings from it, but, you can't very well shun your friend just b'c it's awkward for his wife now can you?
It sounds like she needs to learn to love herself before she can love anyone or anything else. Maybe she blames her husband for her unhappiness and is using this as an excuse. Either way, the only problem I see is how she is portraying him to their children. I dont think its wrong to invite him & not her. No one wants to be around a negative, depressing person.
She almost sounds like she was looking for an excuse to divorce him. I think that he should have told her about the nude photos, even though it sounds harmless enough.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,945,126 times
Reputation: 9417
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeanACM
In my opinion, I say let them divorce. Give him support. She sounds pretty whacko.
I understand the temptation to make that assumption from what he's said here but just keep in mind, he didn't say everything and doesn't know everything about the relationship when no one else is around. I'll give you a small example of what I mean.
When I was with my now ex, I felt gloomy and depressing to be around. I thought it was just me for years but when I finally left him b'c I just couldn't think of anything else to try to fix our marriage, I came out of that slump. I put myself through medical school and got myself a social life. Carrying that dead relationship on my back for years was weighing me down and I didn't even see it til I unloaded it. Hopefully, she'll be happy now too and can move on. Doesn't necessarily make her whacko.
I understand the temptation to make that assumption from what he's said here but just keep in mind, he didn't say everything and doesn't know everything about the relationship when no one else is around. I'll give you a small example of what I mean.
When I was with my now ex, I felt gloomy and depressing to be around. I thought it was just me for years but when I finally left him b'c I just couldn't think of anything else to try to fix our marriage, I came out of that slump. I put myself through medical school and got myself a social life. Carrying that dead relationship on my back for years was weighing me down and I didn't even see it til I unloaded it. Hopefully, she'll be happy now too and can move on. Doesn't necessarily make her whacko.
I will agree with that. If you are not happy - you are the only one who can change it!
Whenever a marriage or any long term relationship is over, friends shift to one side or the other. Especially when the break-up gets ugly. If you and your wife are more comfortable with the husband, it's natural for you to be friends with him rather than her.
I don't blame her for being unhappy about the photos and given her penchant for church, I'm not surprised she reacted the way she did. Which is probably why he didn't tell her in the first place.
I wish your friend the best. He deserves a medal for giving it the old college try.
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