what should i do? need this off me (dates, girlfriends, lesbian)

[boldy_57]

Okay here is the story, I need to get it off my chest

I am a girl...a lesbian, and I met this other girl the last year. We have an amazing friendship, see each other everyday and talk throughout the day. We travel together, and do everything together, well except go to bed. At first it was just hanging out, but then about 4 months ago we just needed to see each other everyday and hang out. She was always trying to hang out with me, but I never really did initiate any of it, she always took the first step. For the past 5 months, shes taken me everywhere, I have met her family and all her friends. We call each other besties, but I am dead in love with her. She is a lesbian too..it is getting really harder to mantain my cool. I go on "dates" with other people but it never works out and so does she. She says "theres no instant spark" but yet she tries. Weve never done anything but hug, and she is very shy and wont come near me. I am very loving and affectionate with all my other friends, hugging them, cuddling and giving them affection, but for some reason not with her. Same with her, I see her the way she is with other of her friends and shes affectionate with them but never with me. Both ways, there is a deep respect of personal space. We flirt sometimes, and tell each other jokes about having each other babies, but thats the extent of it...about 3 mnths we pretended to be girlfriends- but she said that was the extent of it, when I said to her kidding if we could consummate our relationship..but once she said that in the past she had found that she had been friends with all these girls who she admired, and that later she found she had been in love with them all along. Weeks later she told me she admired me.

However she constantly would ask to see me, repeatedly, met about 15 of her friends, and although I feel completely happy around her but shes very hard to read and confuses the hell out of me. Shes a sweet girl by nature, so it can be confusing. Then she invited me to spend christmas with her entire family in another state for a week. Then she told me she was planning to come out to her dad as well while she was there. And wed have to sleep in the same room, something weve never even done..her fam will get the wrong idea. I told her yes, but then she goes out on dates with other girls and I get crushed. I do it too, but all because I am trying to forget my feelings for her. She knows me too well...i used to be a little bit of a player, but I am not now and she knows this, because weve been friends for 1 yr. I know shes the person I want to be with.

So I blurted out drunkly two days ago that if she would ever date me if we werent such good friends. She said "she would date me now, because she actually knows who i am and that what people say is not true" but she still had a girl she was meetin at the club that nite. I got drunk and I sent her a text saying that I was really confused about our relationship and that I could not keep pretending and serving this purpose that I was really not (going with her everywhere, serving as a gf, when Im not getting the benefits of a relationship?) She would hardly ever come if I asked her out and when she has met some of my friends, she doesnt like them! even if the girls have girfriends. I told her that I worried so much that I was gonna lose her, and needed her so much in my life and that I could not go on the trip to see her family, and she needed to stay away from me because I could not longer take it, and I felt out relationship was unhealthy and that I needed to tell her because it was killing me, because I saw her and wondered if she ever noticed me.

She told me she noticed me and that I was a very dear person to her, that she would always be there for me regardless of the situation, we would always be friends, she told me that if I wanted her to let me be, she would, but that I needed to understand she cared for me greatly and that she hopes that I have always known this.

So I let it be but then It got to me, that in no way I should ruin such a good friendship just because I fell in love, that Id rather have her in my life even if it kills me. So I txtd her and told her 'still friends"? she told me always and forever no matter what and asked me to hang out.

we hung out and when i was leaving she asked me "Are you good"? I told her yeah and she said "Are you really good" (I now think she wanted to talk) I said yes as best as I could be and that theyd be good as long as our friendship was good. She told me that "it was very nice to hear from you, even if *that* (still friends?) is what you chose to say"

I am confused?

I mean I think like a guy...what does this woman want? and should i go on this trip?

[DeanACM]

Originally Posted by boldy_57

we hung out and when i was leaving she asked me "Are you good"? I told her yeah and she said "Are you really good" (I now think she wanted to talk) I said yes as best as I could be and that theyd be good as long as our friendship was good. She told me that "it was very nice to hear from you, even if *that* (still friends?) is what you chose to say"

I am confused?

I mean I think like a guy...what does this woman want? and should i go on this trip?

It sounds to me like you're obviously 'into' her but she is not really 'into' you.

I don't think you are going to get the 'more than just friends' relationship you are seeking with her. Usually infatuations pass.. Good luck

[CESpeed]

Unreturned love totally sucks. It's hard being friends with someone that you are in love with, but you have to decide: do you love this person enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you and continue to be friends or go your separate ways and tell her that you just can't handle being in her life without there being a romantic relationship. There's nothing wrong with either option. You have to take care of your heart and emotional well being.