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To me, it's kind of like a glass vase. You can drop it and put it back together, but it will never be the same. Once, I've lost trust it's really hard to get it back, and it just doesn't work out.
It would take time to build the trust again. And it depends on the circumstances that led up to the cheating, why he was attracted to her, how long the affair lasted and I would have to feel for certain that he wouldn't be tempted to stray again... ever.
It would take time to build the trust again. And it depends on the circumstances that led up to the cheating, why he was attracted to her, how long the affair lasted and I would have to feel for certain that he wouldn't be tempted to stray again... ever.
I think the person who has broken the trust must accept that they will be under question for a long time and be willing to put up with suspicion without getting angry or upset about it. It takes a great deal of understanding and talking to get any semblance of trust back, there are no quick fixes and more often than not it will never come back completely.
So what did he lie to you about? And why did he lie to you? Then did he own up to his lie or did you find him out? Every breach of trust issue is different...
I caught my wife in a lie early in our relationship. It was just something she mentioned that I knew wasn't true. I let it slide for awhile but tried to get her to fess-up later. When she stuck with the story, I told her I knew it was a lie. She stuck with the lie -- said that was her story and she was sticking to it.
It wasn't a huge lie, but it was blatant, and the fact she lied bothered me a great deal. If she'd have admitted it when I questioned her on it, I'd have asked her to marry me right then, but because she stuck with it I waited two more years before I asked.
I haven't forgotten it, and I feel like if I had to ask her a tough question, I wouldn't be able to put much stock in her answer. As a result, I don't ask tough questions.
I don't dwell on it, and I forgive her for it, but it did result in less trust from me. That was nine years ago. We'd have a stronger marriage had it never happened, but we still have a good marriage.
It's not uncommon at all for people to lie, especially to those we love. We want them to be happy and love us, so it's very tempting to give the answer we know they want to hear instead of being truthful and hurting them -- and possibly us. That's not all bad, but when they get caught with that first lie, it's harder to believe anything that's said. Is she telling me she loves me because she really means it or because she knows it's what I want to hear?
My late wife would tell me little fibs too. I caught her in lots of them -- usually about former friends and lovers. She'd blush a little and compliment me on remembering everything she ever said to me -- so I'd catch the fibbing. They never bothered me. We'd both laugh about it. Lots of couples refuse to discuss former lovers at all, so the fact that she would share most of it with me was a bonus. She was very open with me, but she'd just say, for example, that so-and-so in her past (nobody I knew) was strictly a friend, and then a year later let it slip that they'd had sex a time or two.
I think because my late wife was so open with me, because she never denied the lie when I'd catch her, and because she was so loving, trust was never an issue whatsoever.
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