Dating someone with unruly children (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, how to)
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I had a boyfriend of 4 years a while back. His daughter was 4 when we started, my son was 13. There were a several factors in us breaking up, and his daughter wasn't one of them. But I remember thinking that not having to deal with her anymore was going to be a plus when I left him.
We didn't have her much over that 4 year period, but when we did it was disastrous. She never disrespected me, but she was a terror with her father. I found myself biting my tongue for the most part because he would not enforce the rules we BOTH agreed on or follow through on a consequence for breaking them, and I can't enforce what he keeps undoing. It was bad enough that she slapped and kicked her dad and never got punished for it, but she started doing it to my son, who just stood there and took it because she was just a little girl. I put a stop to that really quick, but the rest continued. The only good thing about it was that she didn't live with us. I just hoped she'd grow out of it or something, and if she didn't we'd cross that bridge if and when we got to it. We never got to it. I do wonder how she is now.
My question, would that type of child be a reason for you to walk away from a relationship? How would you have handled it?
Some kids do get under their parents skin. It all depends I guess on how you raise them. My daughter for instance, will not listen to me when we're at home. I would tell her do pick up this, don't do that and she'll gave me a look like if saying 'dad, shut the hell up, I'm busy doing and undoing the house'. But when we're visiting my wife's cousing or a friend of my wife's she totally changes 100% and listens to what I tell her. Like I saud, it's all how you raise them and the results show in the end.
Did you ever stop to think about the stress the little girl was probably going through? She came from a broken family being passed between parents and now daddy has a new girlfriend. Her mom was probably dating as well. You do not know what she was going through at her moms house. Was the mom stable? Did she parade guys in and out? Was she fed and going to bed at regular times? Did her mother drag her around with her everywhere? Did daddy ever give her the attention she needed or did the girlfriend (you) hog up all the attention he should have been giving to the child?
Did you ever stop to think about the stress the little girl was probably going through? She came from a broken family being passed between parents and now daddy has a new girlfriend. Her mom was probably dating as well. You do not know what she was going through at her moms house. Was the mom stable? Did she parade guys in and out? Was she fed and going to bed at regular times? Did her mother drag her around with her everywhere? Did daddy ever give her the attention she needed or did the girlfriend (you) hog up all the attention he should have been giving to the child?
Good points but not answering the thread question. For whatever the reason for the child's misbehaviour, my date had poorly behaved children, that would be a big dealbreaker for me. Single parents are entitled to date, but they have to fix their bad parenting skills and sort out their unhappy family situation first. Even if it was their ex being the cause of the child's unruly behaviour, it's just a bad situation all around for the outside adult in this sort of situation because we have no rights in trying to help the child out in terms of disciplining the child or trying to reason with them. And we would always be having to worry if the child's best interests were being met as we dated. Who wants potential drama with his child's mother?
Probably like smokers should stick with dating other smokers, single parents would probably do best with dating other single parents or someone who really enjoys the company of children like a grade school teacher. And I don't think that it's wrong for a single person without kids to not want to deal with a date's kid situation.
Yeah,I walked away from someone who had a child who was a terror...
I felt bad but lifes too short to put up with that.
I love kids and im ok with kids normal behavior but this was extreme.
My question, would that type of child be a reason for you to walk away from a relationship?
I probably wouldn't even enter a relationship involving young children if they are in town and custody is shared. Of course, it depends somewhat on how things are being handled, how big the involvement is, and how much the ex is in the picture, but it's pretty unlikely to be a satisfying for me situation.
You know, different parenting styles are the source of a great deal of stress in marriage. If you don't see eye-to-eye on how to deal with the kids, then your life is going to be misery. A bratty four-year-old doesn't need excuses. She needs firm and loving discipline from both parties in the relationship. Anything less will be an exercise in futility. If the BF wasn't able to provide a sense of partnership, then you were right to walk away.
Personally I think alot of parents with unruly kids go out of thier way to attach some diagnosis to thier kids behavior. This allows them to feel less guilty for the poor parenting job they've done. Sometimes kids are just bad kids and sometimes parents are just bad parents. Call your kids behavior whatever you want to. But in my opinion a good spanking will cure alot of these "diagnosed behavior problems." Let the crucifixtion of Capt. Dan begin!!!
Personally I think alot of parents with unruly kids go out of thier way to attach some diagnosis to thier kids behavior. This allows them to feel less guilty for the poor parenting job they've done. Sometimes kids are just bad kids and sometimes parents are just bad parents. Call your kids behavior whatever you want to. But in my opinion a good spanking will cure alot of these "diagnosed behavior problems." Let the crucifixtion of Capt. Dan begin!!!
It probably will, but not from me. What's with that ADD today?! Every brat has ADD... And that Ritalin! Kids are kids and supposed to behave as such; only that somebody has to take responsibility and raise them right instead of stuffing them with pills. And even though many parents are lazy and prefer being "friends" instead of parents and take the path of least resistance, it's not only their fault. Their hands are tied unless they want to end up in jail for instilling some discipline. Too bad that law in NE (I think) is over with because if society's gonna tell you how to raise your children then you should be able to deliver the results at the society's door (I'm referring to the alarming number of teens parents were leaving).
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And that Ritalin!
