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I was told over Christmas that I really hurt her feelings over all these years because I didn't send her a mothers day card.
Am I being insensitive to my father's wife?
No. If there are no feelings or genuine symbolism behind the paper, what is the use of sending it? To put on a show and be fake? You are technically supposed to feel as good about sending it as the person receiving it. Her whining about not receiving a Mothers Day card is about as ridiculous as someone placing another on a guilt trip to buy a Christmas gift for them.
Do you think it is appropriate to send a mothers day card to your fathers wife?
History: Dad had an affair back when I was 11. He left my mom for this woman and they ended up getting married a few years later. They are still together (30 years). My dad was not very involved in our lives after he left and we did not spend very much time with him at all. He didn't have joint custody and it was a very bad divorce between my parents.
I tried over the years to have a good relationship with my father and his wife but he really hasn't been a great dad and remained just as uninvolved as I grew up/got married, etc.
I was told over Christmas that I really hurt her feelings over all these years because I didn't send her a mothers day card.
I don't feel it's appropriate in this situation and if my mother ever found out she would be enormously hurt.
Am I being insensitive to my father's wife?
No. She's not your mother and you should not risk hurting your mother in a situation like this.
I used to send Mother's day cards to my step mother but I didn't start doing that until years after my mom died and then only as a kindness because she was my dads wife but there was no risk of hurting my mom in the process.
Maybe you can find a step mother card that's appropriate and strike a balance. Unless you think that might hurt your mom too. Your obligation is to your mom not your father's wife.
"Let's see. You started an affair with my father, fully knowing he was married with kids.
"You encouraged my father to leave his family to marry you.
"Your mutual actions caused a great deal of sorrow, anguish, and insecurity.
"I'm pretty much over all that now, for I'm an adult. But given the fact that you helped destroy the family I grew up in, the last thing I'm going to do is send you a Mother's Day card. My mother is the woman who dealt with betrayal and rejection and kept this family going. My mother has remained true to her children the way my father never has been.
"I'm past all that. But no, you are not my mother. You will never be my mother, even with the word 'step' tacked onto the front. You are the woman who sleeps with my father. And, yes, while I've grown to deal with your presence and even be cordial to you when decorum allows, a Mother's Day card is completely and utterly out of the question. You simply have no right to demand this of me, and any hurt feelings you may have over this matter do not begin to compare to the hurt that your actions inflicted on others.
"Let's see. You started an affair with my father, fully knowing he was married with kids.
"You encouraged my father to leave his family to marry you.
"Your mutual actions caused a great deal of sorrow, anguish, and insecurity.
"I'm pretty much over all that now, for I'm an adult. But given the fact that you helped destroy the family I grew up in, the last thing I'm going to do is send you a Mother's Day card. My mother is the woman who dealt with betrayal and rejection and kept this family going. My mother has remained true to her children the way my father never has been.
"I'm past all that. But no, you are not my mother. You will never be my mother, even with the word 'step' tacked onto the front. You are the woman who sleeps with my father. And, yes, while I've grown to deal with your presence and even be cordial to you when decorum allows, a Mother's Day card is completely and utterly out of the question. You simply have no right to demand this of me, and any hurt feelings you may have over this matter do not begin to compare to the hurt that your actions inflicted on others.
"Thanks for allowing me to clear this matter up."
I like this. It's concise, well thought out and to the point.
This is exactly how my mother feels about the situation.
I don't blame this woman 100% for the divorce but I also don't blame my mom AT ALL! There were steps that could have/should have been taken if my dad was so unhappy to save the marriage and they were not. My mom was blind sided by the whole affair.
Thank you everyone for really good advice. This was an upsetting thing to have happen over the holidays!
This is exactly how my mother feels about the situation.
I don't blame this woman 100% for the divorce but I also don't blame my mom AT ALL! There were steps that could have/should have been taken if my dad was so unhappy to save the marriage and they were not. My mom was blind sided by the whole affair.
Thank you everyone for really good advice. This was an upsetting thing to have happen over the holidays!
Lynne, just as an aside - you really are better off trying to remember that your parent's were the only two in the marriage. You can't really know what went on between them, only what each person has said from their viewpoint went on. Not trying to defend your dad - just saying there are always two sides to every story. Holding your mom up as blameless isn't really good for her or you. Every person in a marriage has some responsibility for how that marriage succeeds or fails. Try to just love them both, they are the only parents you'll ever have (even though your dad has certainly made it difficult, I know).
From what you've said, I don't think there's any reason you should feel compelled to send a card.
That said, my wife always sends cards and gifts to her step-mother and calls her on holidays and Mothers Day, and she never knew her until long after she'd left home. And she had no real relationship with her late father. (He had abused her as a child.)
And my step-daughter likes to call me "Dad" and always wishes me "Happy Fathers Day, Dad," even though she never lived with me. I think it's sweet and see it as a confirmation that she approves of me as a husband to her mother.
However, neither my adult son nor daughter send their step-mother cards on Mothers Day, and I don't think it's expected. When we send them cards or gifts, my wife insists that I sign them from "Dad and (her name)."
As has been previously stated, if your step-mother never played the role of "Mother" to you, you needn't place her in that role now.
I'm guessing, but if it bothers her that she's never gotten a Mothers Day card from you, it's probably because she's always wished she could have been more of a mother to you.
A card would be nice if you feel comfortable sending one.
NOTE: She did not cause the break-up between your mother and father. Your mother and father are solely responsible for that. Outsiders don't/can't break-up happy marriages.
Do you think it is appropriate to send a mothers day card to your fathers wife?
History: Dad had an affair back when I was 11. He left my mom for this woman and they ended up getting married a few years later. They are still together (30 years). My dad was not very involved in our lives after he left and we did not spend very much time with him at all. He didn't have joint custody and it was a very bad divorce between my parents.
I tried over the years to have a good relationship with my father and his wife but he really hasn't been a great dad and remained just as uninvolved as I grew up/got married, etc.
I was told over Christmas that I really hurt her feelings over all these years because I didn't send her a mothers day card.
I don't feel it's appropriate in this situation and if my mother ever found out she would be enormously hurt.
Am I being insensitive to my father's wife?
Only if you feel that she is like a mother to you or you have a special bond with her. Do not send one out of obligation because that would be the same as if you didn't send one at all. You should have never been told that. Well on the other hand if you did have that special bond then this conversation would have never come up. Because it wouldn’t have been an issue.
Lynne, just as an aside - you really are better off trying to remember that your parent's were the only two in the marriage. You can't really know what went on between them, only what each person has said from their viewpoint went on. Not trying to defend your dad - just saying there are always two sides to every story. Holding your mom up as blameless isn't really good for her or you. Every person in a marriage has some responsibility for how that marriage succeeds or fails. Try to just love them both, they are the only parents you'll ever have (even though your dad has certainly made it difficult, I know).
I appreciate this however if my dad was unhappy he should have left first and filed for divorce before bringing the other woman into the picture. It would have made the situation better for everyone involved.
... I don't blame this woman 100% for the divorce but I also don't blame my mom AT ALL! There were steps that could have/should have been taken if my dad was so unhappy to save the marriage and they were not. My mom was blind sided by the whole affair....
My kids probably would say the same thing. When I left their mother she acted like it was a big shock. Trust me, it wasn't. I had been trying to get her (us) into counseling for years, gave her a full year to make some changes, see a doctor or counselor or give me an explanation for her behavior. When the year was up and I filed for divorce, it was all a big shock to her. I let her play that game too, even with our (grown) children, because I refuse to badmouth their mother to them. I'm sure to them, and to most people who knew us as a couple, the break-up was all my doing. Twasn't so.
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I let her play that game too, even with our (grown) children, because I refuse to badmouth their mother to them. I'm sure to them, and to most people who knew us as a couple, the break-up was all my doing. Twasn't so.
