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I've been dating a 58-year-old widower for 4 years. His wife died just about 5 months before I started seeing him. I'm 6 years younger than he is, and in addition to feeling a bit of a generation gap, I am wondering if he has some type of anxiety disorder. He looks at his watch constantly, he repeatedly smooths the hair on top of his head, he pulls out little chest hairs, bites his nails until the cuticles are almost bloody, etc. Even though some of his little habits are unpleasant, they're nothing compared with his inability to relax and spend a night with me. Every time I have asked him to stay with me, he starts to displaying symptoms such as getting up to go to the bathroom 4-5 times a night, burping uncontrollably and sounding like he's about to vomit, being unable to get to sleep, etc. This makes for a sleepless night for me. Or, he doesn't even try to stay over -- he just makes up excuses about how one of his grown children might be coming to town that night and they might worry about him if he's not at home, or he doesn't have his toothbrush or pajamas, etc. yet he doesn't ask me to stay at his house, either. So we haven't spent a night together in 10 months except for a few nights in motels when we went away for weekends. Before the time 10 months ago, it was another 6 months before that, with similar problems. He never asks me to stay at his house because he says it's getting late and he has to "get his sleep". So overall, we've probably spent about 12 nights together in 4 years -- 4 in my house and 6 in motels. This is all a major turnoff to me.
When I mentioned to him that some of this behavior was making it hard for me to feel comfortable with our relationship, and asked him if he would consider talking about it with his doctor or a counselor, he got defensive and said that there would be nothing to talk about.
This guy is very kind and stable, but his anxiety is a real challenge for me, especially since he doesn't recognize that it's a problem. I'm ready to tell him I'm not interested in seeing him any longer, but wonder if anybody has any advice about how to deal with somebody with anxiety disorders. Thanks and happy new year!
Well, it's a good question, but this is the first nice guy I've met in a long time, there are very slim pickings in this area, and he is always up for doing things with me... and I guess I'm insecure or something -- otherwise I would be less ambivalent. But it's really not a "romantic" relationship as much as a friendship.
Maybe it's that short time after his wife died that he started dating you. 5 months might have been long enough to grieve and get past that stage so maybe he feels guilty.
Well, it's a good question, but this is the first nice guy I've met in a long time, there are very slim pickings in this area, and he is always up for doing things with me... and I guess I'm insecure or something -- otherwise I would be less ambivalent. But it's really not a "romantic" relationship as much as a friendship.
I agree, it doesn't sound like much of a romantic relationship. But it is nice to have a friend to do things with, which I'm sure helps to outweigh the lack of real intimacy.
You could just stop whatever physical thing you have going on, keep the friendship part, and wait till you meet someone better. And if you don't meet anyone, then you still have a friend to do things with.
Maybe it's that short time after his wife died that he started dating you. 5 months might have been long enough to grieve and get past that stage so maybe he feels guilty.
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