Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I met a woman online about 2 years ago, she is 35, I am 38. She is divorced, has a son. They live with me.
She divorced when she was 23, only about a year and a half after having the kid.
She has gone through bad relationship after bad relationship, including a pretty brutally mentally abusive one that ended about 3 years ago. Inbetween that abusive relationship and me, she did not have any partners, not really looking either.
We both signed up for OKCupid about the same time, we met online, and hit it off pretty well. After about 2 weeks of messaging and skyping, we met in person. We hit it off pretty well, and have been together ever since. The only thing, when we first met, she was totally closed off emotionally in certain aspects. Specifically communications and affection. She is very introverted. VERY introverted. She is an INFP, I am an ISTJ. So I can relate to a lot of the introversion stuff.
But, as we have grown as a couple, I have sensed so much emotional and pschological baggage from previous relationships that I think she is seriously depressed. And she takes it out of me sometimes.
She is not the neatest person. She is ALWAYS on her cell phone or computer doing something. Being it reading, or facebook, or twitter. Always as a consumer. She has a hard time sleeping, and is always tired.
She would rather do these things than clean up, or do laundry, or other things.
A couple of weeks ago, I confronted her about this, and she blew up. I pointed out point by point why I think she should be doing things, and why she is choosing not to. Bottom line, she would rather be online than be an adult about what I will call "life responsibilities".
I think deep down, she realizes this, but is trying to repress the responsiblities, like she is the bad memories.
Our relationship, outside of this, is excellent. I truly love her, she truly loves me, we are great together as a couple. But it's obvious she does not pull her weight on matters of housekeeping and personal upkeep (late on bills, never does laundry until she is completely out, etc). The kid is another story. He is obviously longing for more attention from his mom, he has picked up all her bad habits, but he's also a teenager, so I know that goes with the territory.
I have suggested she get counselling, but she will have none of it. Does anyone have any suggestions?
We visited her brother who lives out of state (as do her parents) and it was apparent to me that some of these issues are from her family surroundings growing up. Something to the effect of that this was not emphasized by either parent.
I have been depressed most of my life. I can tell you until she wants to help herself there is not much anyone can do for her to help but so much.
What you can do is be as supportive as possible. Perhaps with housekeeping, sit down with her and her son and tell them both that you cannot continue to handle all of the responsibilities yourself. Have a To Do list which has the chores/responsibilities that need to be done and decide who takes on what. You could all make it fun...like play cards or a board game and winner gets to choose what chore(s) he/she wants to do and go from there.
Another thing that may help is have a family night. Although the two of you are not married you are like a family--right? So decide on t.v. shows/movie(s), pop some popcorn, get candy bars (, ice cream, or sugar free snacks, ice tea, pizza, whatever your favorite foods are. It is fun just planning what foods/snacks you can have. Change it up a bit and it is great to do this at least once a week.
The reason for this is to break the monotony. I know for me, my depression worsens when things get too routine. It sounds like she is isolating with the computer/phone and if you can steer her away from those things for a while at a time, it will help lessen her dependency on them as well as serve to help her and her son spend some time together and with you.
Plan get togethers out of the home as much as possible. It is very important for depressed people (as well as everyone--but especially for those who have depression) to get outside in the sun --Vitamin D helps depression.
Remember if she is a drinker, alcohol will make her depression worse.
Those are things you may be able to do which can help restore some balance in her life as well as help you as well. Besides that, she would really benefit with a good therapist to help her face and deal with the past abusive/poor relationship issues she has had in the past.
You sound like a very nice, caring and understanding person. I hope that things work out for the best for all of you.
Tell them to take medications to help cope with depression. You don't deal with it, they do so tell them to take preventive measures to make their life easier.
I have been depressed most of my life. I can tell you until she wants to help herself there is not much anyone can do for her to help but so much.
What you can do is be as supportive as possible. Perhaps with housekeeping, sit down with her and her son and tell them both that you cannot continue to handle all of the responsibilities yourself. Have a To Do list which has the chores/responsibilities that need to be done and decide who takes on what. You could all make it fun...like play cards or a board game and winner gets to choose what chore(s) he/she wants to do and go from there.
Another thing that may help is have a family night. Although the two of you are not married you are like a family--right? So decide on t.v. shows/movie(s), pop some popcorn, get candy bars (, ice cream, or sugar free snacks, ice tea, pizza, whatever your favorite foods are. It is fun just planning what foods/snacks you can have. Change it up a bit and it is great to do this at least once a week.
The reason for this is to break the monotony. I know for me, my depression worsens when things get too routine. It sounds like she is isolating with the computer/phone and if you can steer her away from those things for a while at a time, it will help lessen her dependency on them as well as serve to help her and her son spend some time together and with you.
Plan get togethers out of the home as much as possible. It is very important for depressed people (as well as everyone--but especially for those who have depression) to get outside in the sun --Vitamin D helps depression.
Remember if she is a drinker, alcohol will make her depression worse.
Those are things you may be able to do which can help restore some balance in her life as well as help you as well. Besides that, she would really benefit with a good therapist to help her face and deal with the past abusive/poor relationship issues she has had in the past.
You sound like a very nice, caring and understanding person. I hope that things work out for the best for all of you.
This all sounds like pretty good advice for someone who hopes to care for a depressed person, but as far as a relationship is concerned, I don't like it at all.
OP, just as rosebyanothername wrote in the opening statement, it's really this other woman's responsibility to get over her depression. You can try to care for her for as long as you'd like, but based on my experience, you'll just tax yourself until you're spent. It sounds harsh (and particularly so for the teenager), but since you're not married, I'd jump ship if I were you. None of this is your doing.
I've been dealing with depression most of my life as well.. my demeanor can swing between anger and depression. I did go see a therapist years ago but for some reason I stopped going. I have this hesitation to seek help.... even now. Maybe because I don't want to be pushed medications.. not really sure. I highly recommend seeking professional help despite my avoidance. Try to avoid self diagnosing.... it can lead you down the wrong path.
I've managed my anger and depression fairly well over the years. Much of it I attribute to my handful of closest friends, one of which became my wife. In order to start learning to dealing with my issues, I had to first accept it as a part of who I am and simply learn what works best for me. When I stumble, I rely on my friends and wife to help me along.
Everyone is different. I journal a lot. When I have thoughts that I obsess over, writing about it and revisiting my entries has helped make sense of it all. I learn about my limits and work within them. My wife especially is good about taking me out of such situations. I am an introvert yet I am not shy. My wife is an extrovert yet she has issues that come off as being shy/awkward when meeting new people. In social situations, I sometimes can get myself into situations that easily overwhelms me. So I retreat sooner than my wife and she doesn't take it in anyway except that that is who I am and what I need. Most importantly, I rely on people that I can confide my deepest thoughts to... Get it out so that I can address them. Keep in mind, what we (my wife and I) learned about ourselves to leverage our strengths and help our weaknesses is was a process that spans two decades. It wasn't easy.
I reduced alcohol (2 beers is my max) however I admit elimination is best. Its easy to abuse substances when you are in pain... I am aware that I do walk a fine line with that.. I take supplements (Magnesium, B complex, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Flaxseed Oil, and regular daily) to help take the edge off. If I have trouble getting to sleep, I use Melatonin. I rare get enough sleep and the worst nights usually follow the worst days.
Much of what works for me is exactly the opposite of what works for "rosebyanothername". I find comfort in routine. I find comfort in distraction of the mind cycled in periods of solitude with my thoughts. I need that isolation to re-energize. Mental and emotional illness/issues is that complex.... there is no one size fit all solution (even if one exists). When I lost one of my supportive friends, I turned to this forum as a way to communicate with others and bounce ideas.... it was probably my worst events of depression.. for which I am still recovering.
I can say one thing is for sure.... I realize that I was embarrassed and ashamed of who I was. My anger represented the lack of control. My depression was a sign of weakness. I ignored it in hopes it would simply get better on its own.. I hide it as much as possible. Neither of these actions helped me get better. I was afraid to loose friendships and relationships if I showed my true feelings. As a person helping, you have to understand that it is that person's inner struggles and there is really only so much one can help..... they have to help themselves. You can only be supportive and re-assuring that you accept that person for who they are.. Listen.. and learn with them. Show them that you care and won't simply disappear the moment things get tough... Try to get them to get professional help.. offer to go with them. Remind them of the progress they have made when they make it. Recognize when they are struggling and work with them to develop techniques to help get to a better place. But none of this matters if they don't take the first step.. acknowledgment of the issues.
Last edited by usayit; 08-24-2015 at 08:03 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
