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Be prepared to lose your marriage or put an enormous strain on it if you do it. And I don't even care whose parents they are. I grew up witnessing this. It was HELL! At first my mother's MIL was living with us and her brother was living with their father. When my Mom was complaining to my uncle about her he was trying to tactfully tell her their father wasn't a piece of cake, either, as we found out when we inherited him as well after my uncles' death. At this time grandma had already passed away, so at least there was no overlap. Grandma made my Mom's life miserable all these years (and mine in a way) and it's a miracle my parents didn't divorce, which they probably should have. Of course, she wouldn't be able to do that had my father stood up by Mom as he should've, but he didn't and most men don't. He was just staying in the middle leaving them to solve "their" problems and eventually siding with his mother.
All relatives are best loved from a distance.
I Wish your childhood was Happier Darlin'.................
The OP mentioned they don't speak English which tells me they are of a different culture and unlike western culture, there are a lot of others who depend on their children when they become old. It's accepted. If they don't speak English I can't imagine they had the sort of job that provided a comfortable retirement.
I am surprised it took till post #24 for this to come up.
If the inlaws don't speak English, they obviously are not from around here. Therefore, they are going to expect something much different from their son than the OP has probably ever experienced. And even the son will expect something different from his parents and wife.
My DH is from another country, and his father and step mother come to US for extended visits. I mean when they come on vacation, it may be 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 months. They come and go between my DH, brother in law, and sister in law's houses. They arrange with us when they will come and how long they will stay. THEY do NOT wait to be invited. Our home is open to them whenever they want to be here. If they had to move in tomorrow, well, that is what they would do. I married the guy, he's a package deal, no matter if he has been in the US for 22 of his 38 years, he carries cultural baggage with him, in one sense in the form of parents. I mean my MIL showed up here when I was 5 months pregnant, stayed for 6 months, and this was after not seeing her son for 16 years. When they come to visit, they come to VISIT.
To the OP, I understand that you are concerned that your marriage may suffer if you don't take them in. I'd like to present the flip side of that. Your marriage may suffer if you DON'T take them in. There is a good chance that he may resent you for preventing him from providing his parents the care he feels obligated to provide. And his feelings of obligations to provide care for his parents may be just as strong as his feelings to provide for his own children.
I am curious to know where his parents are from. This will allow insight on their particular culture.
Someone said the OP's DH has three siblings? I must have missed that. If that is the case, then all the children have to sit down and decide where the parents are going to go, and the three that are not taking the parents have to commit to certain responsibilities. There is no reason the OP should have to cart them around all the time. If the other siblings are local, then the parents need to be with their other children on a regular, constant, consistent basis. This will relieve the pressure off the OP if they come to live w/her and maintain the pressure on the other siblings so they don't get too lazy when it comes to their share of the responsibility towards the parents. Because it is so easy for the other kids to bail. If one of the other kids is good with finances, put that kid in charge of assisting them with their finances. If one of them is in the medical field, that one should take them to all dr appointments and keep up with their prescriptions and refills, etc. If another shops all the time, they should have to take the parents shopping. All children should have a place where the parents can spend a night or two.
Vacations needn't be dictated by the parents nor should the parents attend all vacations.
I have to say, we have a friend that is Greek, married to an american. Well, I should say he is American too, as he was born here, and his mother is from Greece. His mother had to move in with them. She had nowhere else to go. The wife is kind of spiteful and mean about it. It comes off as kind of selfish. I know it is a huge inconvenience but sometimes life is like that. Nursing homes are for people with money. The rest of the old people either live on their own or live with relatives.
If you happen to be the relative, you just have to suck it up and try to protect yourself from becoming the family doormat. Force every child to participate in care.
And the OP needs to understand the cultural perspective. Our American parents may think they get to come along everytime we leave the house, but someone from somewhere else may not expect to go all the time. It depends.
And the OP also needs to lay the groundwork if they move in. DON'T take them out all the time, or that is what they will expect you to do, then you're stuck. Sometimes just say you are leaving and go. Sometimes just go out to dinner with your DH. Just tell them you are going out to dinner.
As for all the relatives visiting, that does kind of suck. Don't know what to tell you about that other than try to put a murphy bed in the in law suite.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
I can see that excuse if the OP moved to some country with that kind of culture, but she's living in the USA with our American culture and most likely was not brought up to be a doormat for some family.
If someone living in the USA raised in the USA culture wishes to become like some submissive caretaker for her in-laws, then she wouldn't be posting the question.
It's also not the daughter-in-law's fault that these people apparently came to this country and made no effort to learn English and so now expect her to cart them around.
When you marry someone from another culture, don't expect the American way. People that cannot deal w/some level of cultural baggage need to not marry someone that is that FOTB.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
Starting with the idea that you intend to plan for your own "golden-age" and don't plan to become a burden to them?
These people that don't speak English might have come here for a better life for their child, the OP's DH. They might have given up a good life to come here, and give him opportunities.
That Greek lady I mentioned above, she came here and worked in a lollipop factory 10 hours a day to provide for her kids and give them a better life. So what happens to her when she gets old and sick? She let them live with her till they were ready to move out (she'd have let THEM stay and take care of them till they were 33 years old, if necessary!!) So she let's them live w/her for 33 YEARS and they cannot take care of her for her last 15?
I am sorry , yes there have been a lot of selfish comments here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
Hey, life isn't easy. Doing the right thing is rarely convenient. But it just has to be done if you want to have the respect of your husband and yourself later on in life.
You hit the nail on the head.
Life is tough. Roll with it. There is one challenge after another. If you can't roll with it, you're going to get rolled over by it. We are not all going to be lucky enough to have 80 year old parents like malamute. Some of us may lose our parents early and wish there had been more time. Some of our parents are even going to be pains in the ass. Hell, due to divorce, some of us are looking at a combined figure of EIGHT parents (mother, step father, father, step mother, mother in law & husband and father in law & wife) Now THAT is when we are going to be screwed. How the hell do you deal w/4 sets of parents / parents in law??? You can't throw them out on the street!!
Life is inconvenient. But we all have to have standards as human beings and we all have to be able to look ourselves in the face and have respect for what is looking back at us.
I wonder if the op would feel the same way if it were her parents?
I definitely agree that all the sibs should share in taking care of the parents. Maybe some with time, maybe some with money. It should be an honor.
I realize what a burden it would be to do this, but I'd really have to wonder about what kind of person I married...you marry each other, you join families.
Why hasn't this op tried harder to form a relationship with her in-laws? Especially since she says that they are the nearby ones who help them anyway?
The husband should make more of an effort since they are his parents. I wonder what kind of expectations he has of his wife.
My husband's parents are getting up there in age and are probably on the verge of needing to live with some assistance. We live 3 hrs away and have been the ones they call for stuff. They are quite dependent because they have not mastered the English language and can not drive. I've considered having them move in with us, but our current house really works with just a "single" family.
So now, we're considering a move to the Orlando area and have the opportunity to start over and purchase a house that would better suit a family plus in-laws(has extra kitchen and living area).
Here's my problem, I'm not entirely sure I'm up for living with my in-laws. I can barely communicate with them. They would totally be dependent on me to take them around. They don't have any hobbies. I will no longer be able to walk around the house half dressed, stuff like that.
I think I would like to be able to wake up in the morning and not have anyone to answer to. I enjoy being by myself, doing my own thing. I have 2 kids and I just want to raise them with out a back seat driver.
I've been going through in my head all the life changing scenarios and have figured, the right thing to do should be to take them in as they are getting old. It's a tough pill to swallow. To have to take them everywhere we go...dinner, vacations, etc. because we can't just leave them at home...they can't get anywhere on their own.
On top of that, we'll most likely end up with a load of relatives staying with us in Orlando while visiting my in-laws...I'll be the one picking them up and playing tour guide. I wouldn't mind if I could just pick them up from the airport and drop them off, but I/we would be the ones who have to entertain.
So if I buy a house that can accommodate my in-laws, it seems it might be too comfortable. So maybe I should buy a house that is a bit tight, only accommodating my nuclear family. But would I end up in a worse situation when the parents get too old and need to live with us? I wouldn't want to move again. My husband has 2 other siblings, but they live further and have never really stepped up to the plate as far as taking care of the parent's day to day stuff. I sense the ultimate burden is ours as I ended up with the mama's boy.
I don't want my husband to resent me for not taking in his parents, but if I do, I may end up resenting him. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that this may lead to a divorce or at least a loveless marriage. He understand it's quite a package we would be taking on. There are no compromises with his parents as anything short of an open arm welcome is an insult. If we don't have enough space in the house and we say nothing about them living with us, there is a possibility that the other siblings will have to step in when things get bad, but it's kind of sad for the parents to not feel welcome and worse for my husband who would feel like a bad son.
Anyways, sorry this is so long. I'm just venting. I welcome any advice or stories of your experience with living with in laws...Good idea? Bad idea? Suck it up?
Thanks
I can't give you advice...this is something you and your husband need to discuss very seriously before you do it. He has to know your true feelings, all of them, and if he rejects your feelings over his parents, then I think you both need to see someone professional to work it out.
This whole situation depends soulely on you.
I stayed with my foster mom for 12 years, taking care of her, and it was rewarding while in the same time, very very difficult. Meaning, the older we grow, the more difficult we become, we are not able to adapt to the real world around us. We don't have the same ideas as our younger caretakers and we become quit demanding and argumentative. I remember driving to work on several occassions crying or worrying about what was going to happen next. And my sibblings didn't have a clue, they didn't care, as long as SOMEONE was there to take care of her. They left it all up to me.
It isn't like raising your own child, but it is like having a child around 24/7.
I'm telling you like it is...you have to have pretty tough skin to be able to do it.
She was the woman who raised me, and I don't resent it, but these people are your inlaws, so there are a lot of unforeseen things that you have no idea will happen. They could become very demanding, or, they could be very easy to take care of. It depends on your personality and theirs. But it is, what seems to be a life time job...so you have to make certain, you can do it. You give up a lot...
On the other hand, if your the type of person who is able to put her own life on hold, then it may be very rewarding for you.
I am not sorry I stayed and took care of her....I felt it was the least I could do.
I know of one neighbor friend with three boys. Well mannered and adjusted boys.....charmers.
She took care of her Mom and Grandmother, both were together in one room. She introduced them to me. I called her an Angel now.........all these years later..........She is still an Angel.
She once told me " there was no other choice".......She kept her sense of humor, her kids had a great sense of humor. The boys still attended all their sports, and activities.
She was fine with the responsibility, they were her family.
I don't hope to have anyone care for me.........But, the Angel above is worth mentioning.
I know of one neighbor friend with three boys. Well mannered and adjusted boys.....charmers.
She took care of her Mom and Grandmother, both were together in one room. She introduced them to me. I called her an Angel now.........all these years later..........She is still an Angel.
She once told me " there was no other choice".......She kept her sense of humor, her kids had a great sense of humor. The boys still attended all their sports, and activities.
She was fine with the responsibility, they were her family.
I don't hope to have anyone care for me.........But, the Angel above is worth mentioning.
There is so much good that can come out of it...I know a woman whose grandmother lived with them...she talks about her a lot and was so greatful for not only the influence of her grandmother, but also, being able to know her.
I think the more influences kids have in their lives can be so beneficial....and they get to choose their own values from all those people.
The thing is - there are always choices. everyone has to make the one that's right for them, their spouses, their children. Not everyone views themselves as an "Angel" and not everyone is an "Angel". Elderly abuse and neglect are big problems because sometimes someone takes on more than they can handle. Are you prepared only for running to the doctor and stores, or are you ready for the bigger health and physical needs.
Elderly aren't like children if they are failing in health and mind. They are on the decline where as children gain independence, these people are often becoming more dependent. Obviously not all, many elderly never become dependent at all but you have to be prepared for any eventuality.
If one decides to take on this responsibility, especially for inlaws whose other children don't want it, you need to work out every detail. To what point will you be the 24-7 caretaker? Is there a point that you would have to decide on nursing home care? When spoon feedings, or chronic health conditions should change the picture?
Many people do this because they can benefit from the social security check of the dependent -- make sure that's all worked out ahead of time or the accusations from the other family members may tear your family apart. And what happens when the expenses are bigger than whatever social security payments they bring in?
No decision is right or wrong, it's all on your own individual and family situation. You can't base your decision on guilt, especially if the others who don't want to be involved are trying to put that on you -- that's is for certain.
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