U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-18-2009, 08:37 AM
 
237 posts, read 998,934 times
Reputation: 160

Advertisements

My husband's parents are getting up there in age and are probably on the verge of needing to live with some assistance. We live 3 hrs away and have been the ones they call for stuff. They are quite dependent because they have not mastered the English language and can not drive. I've considered having them move in with us, but our current house really works with just a "single" family.

So now, we're considering a move to the Orlando area and have the opportunity to start over and purchase a house that would better suit a family plus in-laws(has extra kitchen and living area).

Here's my problem, I'm not entirely sure I'm up for living with my in-laws. I can barely communicate with them. They would totally be dependent on me to take them around. They don't have any hobbies. I will no longer be able to walk around the house half dressed, stuff like that.

I think I would like to be able to wake up in the morning and not have anyone to answer to. I enjoy being by myself, doing my own thing. I have 2 kids and I just want to raise them with out a back seat driver.

I've been going through in my head all the life changing scenarios and have figured, the right thing to do should be to take them in as they are getting old. It's a tough pill to swallow. To have to take them everywhere we go...dinner, vacations, etc. because we can't just leave them at home...they can't get anywhere on their own.

On top of that, we'll most likely end up with a load of relatives staying with us in Orlando while visiting my in-laws...I'll be the one picking them up and playing tour guide. I wouldn't mind if I could just pick them up from the airport and drop them off, but I/we would be the ones who have to entertain.

So if I buy a house that can accommodate my in-laws, it seems it might be too comfortable. So maybe I should buy a house that is a bit tight, only accommodating my nuclear family. But would I end up in a worse situation when the parents get too old and need to live with us? I wouldn't want to move again. My husband has 2 other siblings, but they live further and have never really stepped up to the plate as far as taking care of the parent's day to day stuff. I sense the ultimate burden is ours as I ended up with the mama's boy.

I don't want my husband to resent me for not taking in his parents, but if I do, I may end up resenting him. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that this may lead to a divorce or at least a loveless marriage. He understand it's quite a package we would be taking on. There are no compromises with his parents as anything short of an open arm welcome is an insult. If we don't have enough space in the house and we say nothing about them living with us, there is a possibility that the other siblings will have to step in when things get bad, but it's kind of sad for the parents to not feel welcome and worse for my husband who would feel like a bad son.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. I'm just venting. I welcome any advice or stories of your experience with living with in laws...Good idea? Bad idea? Suck it up?

Thanks
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-18-2009, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
403 posts, read 1,485,234 times
Reputation: 235
It's a tough situation, but I would have to vote with no. There has to be other options other than putting your life on hold to take care of them. You have your own family to take care of.

All the resentment you are worried about will happen. I can see it now.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 08:56 AM
 
5,929 posts, read 14,032,556 times
Reputation: 6522
Default Are there no other relatives?

Is there anyone else who can take turns hosting them, or at least contribute equally for the support in terms of dollars?

It is going to be tough, and you will be mother to everyone; it will test your marriage, that is for sure. This is a tough one. On one hand you do not want to seem uncaring, on the other hand, your responsibility, your number one concern is for your own family.

No easy solution, I wish you well.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 09:05 AM
 
Location: in purgurtory in London
3,721 posts, read 3,904,720 times
Reputation: 1292
You could always buy a home that includes a small guest house. Can you fit one of those into your budget?
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 09:06 AM
 
47,528 posts, read 65,364,112 times
Reputation: 22380
I would go with no. There are good reasons for assisted living and retirement homes. You'll end up with no time ever to take a vacation, no one will relieve you of your duties, and as they decline, you'll be the 24-7 nurse for them but unpaid and no one will thank you. Unless you are a true saint it would be a mistake to let the other siblings think that you see this as your duty, especially if you aren't from a culture that believes a daughter's or daughter-in-law's duty is to be the full time, unpaid babysitter and nurse.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 09:11 AM
 
47,528 posts, read 65,364,112 times
Reputation: 22380
And most likely your wedding vows included something about "Leave father and mother to start a new family" and that's in the Bible -- and would you wish to become a burden on your children? It's wrong for your husband and his siblings to dump this on you, they should know better.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 3,809,770 times
Reputation: 829
Talk to your husband open and honestly about how you feel. You and him are of primary importance, his parents secondary. He may be willing to work towards a situation, especially when he has other siblings around.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 09:44 AM
 
2,833 posts, read 10,238,845 times
Reputation: 1677
I'm astounded at the selfishness here. That's it...SELFISHNESS. I hope when all these people get older, their kids turn their backs on them also.

That said...Cigarboo.....It will be the toughest job you'll ever love. You will not regret it for a minute in the end. I too am embarking on the same journey...I had planned on both my parent's living with me but my Dad passed away this year so it will be just my Mom. I could NEVER desert her!!!!!! We will be building an apartment in our walk-out basement for her. Yes...it scares me to death how it will all work out, but what are my choices?? She is lonely and needs help with some things. It's the RIGHT thing to do. Pitting siblings against each other on the "Whose turn is it anyway?" concept would be awful for the parents. Put yourself in their situation....would you want to be an older person in need of care and know your kids are 'fighting' over who should be the one to step up to the plate?

I konw it is going to be hard...lots of times....but it is the only decision that I can LIVE with.

Assisted living would be about $5,000. a month for a couple by the way.

My Mom and I will respect each other's space...I'll be able to visit with her every day, but she will still have her own kitchen and living room to do as she pleases. She can have her own guests, we can have ours. I know that it won't be prefect, but we will work it out for whatevr time she has left here on this earth, and I can live with myself after she is gone and then take a vacation.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:04 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
10,794 posts, read 22,364,582 times
Reputation: 15510
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann View Post
You could always buy a home that includes a small guest house. Can you fit one of those into your budget?
Quote:
Originally Posted by I LOVE PA! View Post
I'm astounded at the selfishness here. That's it...SELFISHNESS. I hope when all these people get older, their kids turn their backs on them also.
I agree that you should work with your husband and his family to help his parents. NO- it won't be easy. But I like Raggy's suggestion and have a variation to offer: if not a guest house, why not a home for yourself in the same neighborhood?
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
403 posts, read 1,485,234 times
Reputation: 235
I wouldn't call it selfishness to take care of your own family first.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:49 AM.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top