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Old 02-02-2009, 06:06 PM
 
25,161 posts, read 50,958,200 times
Reputation: 7001

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That is very rare that people talk that way Dimsum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
Public here makes a great point: and that is safety needs to be present. Here are some basics for safety in communication:

no yelling
no hitting
no sarcasm
no name-calling
no out-of-control anger
no loud voices (use calm voices, or take a break until you can)
no threats
no insults
no hostility
no attacks

if you can stick to "I" statements that is generally much easier for the person to hear, "I think ____ " "I feel_____" "I'm confused about ____" whatever.

and try to stay away from "you" statements

also it really, really, really helps if you can share honestly about what you are feeling "I'm scared" "I'm frustrated" "I feel upset about" This shows some vulnerability and opens the door to building or re-building trust and communication. You'll be surprised how often you hear, and say, "I never knew you felt that way...."
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Old 02-03-2009, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Westchester County
1,103 posts, read 1,490,531 times
Reputation: 994
I think everyone at one time or another has been given the "rules to good communication", but in reality there may only be one or two rules that anyone can actually follow. Often due to the way we process info differently I know for a fact I get into trouble. For example I tend to be logic based in my thought process and my wife tends to base her thoughts on emotion. I often don't understand what I'm doing wrong since in my logical thought process step 2 comes after step 1. My wife however has a lot of emotional baggage tied to step 2 and therefore must go to step 3 and I'm a jerk because I don't understand this.
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Old 02-04-2009, 11:33 AM
 
17,329 posts, read 15,899,343 times
Reputation: 13123
Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
I think everyone at one time or another has been given the "rules to good communication", but in reality there may only be one or two rules that anyone can actually follow.
if a person says "i can't do that" to basic respectful communication, then it is NOT about a person's inability to do it, but because they are unwilling to do it. For whatever reason.

How someone "thinks" or processes information, whether someone is more logical or more emotional, whether someone is male or female, has nothing to do with whether they are able to learn and practice good communication.

so don't say you CAN'T do it. just say you WON'T do it.
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Old 02-04-2009, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 3,794,324 times
Reputation: 829
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
if a person says "i can't do that" to basic respectful communication, then it is NOT about a person's inability to do it, but because they are unwilling to do it. For whatever reason.

How someone "thinks" or processes information, whether someone is more logical or more emotional, whether someone is male or female, has nothing to do with whether they are able to learn and practice good communication.

so don't say you CAN'T do it. just say you WON'T do it.

Good point. Sometimes we have to take a step back and consider where a person's coming from. It's easier said than done, I know, but if you make it a practice, things are much easier.
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Old 02-04-2009, 11:42 AM
 
Location: Fiji
647 posts, read 1,964,917 times
Reputation: 424
Being willing to listen and understand each others needs, wants, and what makes each other "tick".....and then acting on this and treating each other based on this rather than just going by individual or selfish motives. In a way, good communication, like love, requires action.
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Old 02-04-2009, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Texas
525 posts, read 891,054 times
Reputation: 325
Quote:
Originally Posted by DFOR View Post
I know that communication in my marriage is not good. But what do you all consider good communciation?

What would you consider, "if a couple can't talk about this, that and that" then communication in their relationship is in trouble?


My definition of communication is:

When everything anybody says is naturally misunderstood by everybody..
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Old 02-04-2009, 11:15 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,529,758 times
Reputation: 4337
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Hearing something won't make you agree with it.
Who ever said it would?!?

But I noticed you didn't quote the second part of my statment.. which goes with my first part.

LISTEN... instead of trying so hard to form your rebuttal.

Take some time to breathe and think about what the other person said, before being so quick to respond. When you're busy forming a comeback in your head.. you're missing what the other person is saying. Everyone wants to be heard... but few actually listen.

Take time to listen. It's a sign of respect.

No one said that by listening you're going to agree. But by listening you might actually understand where the other person's coming from and the situation might be worked out faster than if you're only half mentally there.

I'm sure you, or anyone else, wouldn't be happy to know the person you're talking to has tuned you out in order to work on their comeback.


Admittedly, I did laugh at you quoting only half me. It's like you didn't listen to everything I said before you hit the quote button and posted up a rebuttal!
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Old 02-05-2009, 04:16 AM
 
Location: New England
1,169 posts, read 2,290,863 times
Reputation: 2181
OP here.

canibeyou,

I wish my wife was more like this. I may not be the best communicator, but I stop communicating when it gets thrown back in my face like this.

Like you said, LISTEN. Nobody in her family is a good listener. They all like to hear themselves talk.

We have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canibeyou View Post

LISTEN... instead of trying so hard to form your rebuttal.

Take some time to breathe and think about what the other person said, before being so quick to respond. When you're busy forming a comeback in your head.. you're missing what the other person is saying. Everyone wants to be heard... but few actually listen.

Take time to listen. It's a sign of respect.

No one said that by listening you're going to agree. But by listening you might actually understand where the other person's coming from and the situation might be worked out faster than if you're only half mentally there.

I'm sure you, or anyone else, wouldn't be happy to know the person you're talking to has tuned you out in order to work on their comeback.
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Old 02-05-2009, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Westchester County
1,103 posts, read 1,490,531 times
Reputation: 994
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
if a person says "i can't do that" to basic respectful communication, then it is NOT about a person's inability to do it, but because they are unwilling to do it. For whatever reason.

How someone "thinks" or processes information, whether someone is more logical or more emotional, whether someone is male or female, has nothing to do with whether they are able to learn and practice good communication.

so don't say you CAN'T do it. just say you WON'T do it.

I don't recall saying I CAN'T do it. I also don't recall saying I WON'T do it either. I just made the point that although we are given these tools, and often people when asked, or when they honestly think about it will admit that during the conversation (especially a heated conversation) these "rules" become very difficult to live by. For whatever reason. As far as gender it is a fact that men and women process information differently,(Men from Mars and Women from Venus) therefore communication becomes that much more difficult than it sometimes needs to be. It is not always due to the other person's lack of respect, but sometimes the lack of understanding comes into play in these cases. This lack of understanding then gets turned into "unwillingness" to either compromise, or "get" where the other person is coming from.
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Old 02-05-2009, 06:47 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 7,916,312 times
Reputation: 2961
Speaking in a manner that does not put the other person in a defensive position.

Honestly wanting a positive outcome.
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