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Old 02-02-2009, 02:14 PM
 
Location: New England
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I know that communication in my marriage is not good. But what do you all consider good communciation?

What would you consider, "if a couple can't talk about this, that and that" then communication in their relationship is in trouble?
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:18 PM
 
17,735 posts, read 16,097,767 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DFOR View Post
I know that communication in my marriage is not good. But what do you all consider good communciation?

What would you consider, "if a couple can't talk about this, that and that" then communication in their relationship is in trouble?
Good communication has two parts:

being able to say clearly and directly and plainly what you are thinking or feeling

and being able to really listen and really hear what the other person is saying to you

if a couple wants to improve their communication, it is good to get outside help like a counselor. it can be very helpful in just giving some basic "ground rules" in a neutral setting. even just a few sessions can be very helpful. best wishes to you.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Wishing It Was Wisconsin
534 posts, read 1,512,931 times
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Personally, my husband and I never lack in communication. We never did, even while dating. We talk all the time, share our work day stories. Even if we just chat about a show we like or recite lines from a show we like once in awhile, communication is always there.

We do talk about important things. We both know our money situation even though he does the bills. He always fills me in on bills and what we have to spend for the month. We don't have any secrets. I'm not sure about the bolded part in your statement. That could be any number of subjects. If something is bothering either one of us that the other person did, we have no problem discussing it.

Our communication with each other is one of the many things we have that keeps our marriage strong.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,551,308 times
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Learning to really listen is way important, DimSum!

And that's especially hard during a "heated" conversation. Too many times we hear something and then are so wrapped up in forming our own rebuttal that we tune out of what's said after that.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:48 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 18,928,870 times
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Yes. You should be able to discuss anything with each other and feel safe doing so. You can't get angry at your wife or husband and when they ask what's wrong, say, "Nothing!" That's one example of bad communication.

"I don't like that White couple down the street; they let their kids run wild" was misinterpreted as, "I don't like White people or their kids". That's poor listening, another aspect of bad communication, maybe also poor comprehension skills which also brings about bad communication. When you're not really listening but instead, silently working on your next 'defensive come back' it leads to bad communication.

The problem with communication in a relationship is both have to want it. When only one does, it doesn't work very well.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:59 PM
 
809 posts, read 2,733,725 times
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not beating around the bush. Get straight to the point. Find the right words to say so that they are respectful to the other person and to yourself.

If you are having doubts express doubts. If you are elated express that you are elated (ie happy.... sorry, some ppl don't know what elated means :P)

DO this..... I read this in a book about relationships once........

Say "I feel" and then state how you REALLY feel.... and then say "when you"..... and state what you feel when your spouse does this particular thing.......

like "I feel very sad when you don't talk to me"

or "I feel like I'm on cloud nine when you look at me with goo goo eyes" :P

If you state sentences like that to your significant other then they get a sense of WHAT you feel from their behavior. Instead of screaming "YOU NEVER TALK TO ME" or "YOU'RE SUCH A JERK FOR IGNORING ME!" they don't understand why you're upset, they just see you coming at them and they get defensive. But if you state it as "I feel.... when you" then they GET it........ you just have to keep name calling out of it and you can't get to a point where you list of all their faults. You have to state "I feel" in the beginning of each sentence so they know........
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Old 02-02-2009, 03:13 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 15,482,313 times
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I think it's important to be able to see past your own experiences. We sometimes forget that others don't always process info the way we do. Sometimes you have to use vocabulary that they will understand. But it's ultimately important to talk and not leave it to the other to guess what you're thinking.

Unfortunately, some people are just thick; you can't get them to absorb anything.
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Old 02-02-2009, 03:18 PM
 
17,735 posts, read 16,097,767 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Public_Newsense View Post
You should be able to discuss anything with each other and feel safe doing so.
Public here makes a great point: and that is safety needs to be present. Here are some basics for safety in communication:

no yelling
no hitting
no sarcasm
no name-calling
no out-of-control anger
no loud voices (use calm voices, or take a break until you can)
no threats
no insults
no hostility
no attacks

if you can stick to "I" statements that is generally much easier for the person to hear, "I think ____ " "I feel_____" "I'm confused about ____" whatever.

and try to stay away from "you" statements

also it really, really, really helps if you can share honestly about what you are feeling "I'm scared" "I'm frustrated" "I feel upset about" This shows some vulnerability and opens the door to building or re-building trust and communication. You'll be surprised how often you hear, and say, "I never knew you felt that way...."
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Old 02-02-2009, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 3,806,508 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Public_Newsense View Post
Yes. You should be able to discuss anything with each other and feel safe doing so. You can't get angry at your wife or husband and when they ask what's wrong, say, "Nothing!" That's one example of bad communication.
That's what I try to do, if something is bothering me, I'll let her know I'll talk to her about it once I get my thoughts together, and then follow through on it. The last thing I want to do is to say the wrong thing or come to some half-baked conclusion. That's part of good communication.
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Old 02-02-2009, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 83,749,986 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canibeyou View Post
Learning to really listen is way important, DimSum!
Hearing something won't make you agree with it.
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