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Passthechocolate,
Would you have considered her your true friend before she started dating this guy? If she was a real friend, whether she's insecure or not, and you KNEW that it made her uncomfortable to talk with her man at length then you should have respected her feelings and backed off. you were the one that created this mess.
Now, If she was just an acquaintance you technically dont have any loyalty to her but as a woman you should know, that messing with another woman's man will always bring on the drama. If you made her upset of course she's gonna run and tell everybody else about it because she's hurt.
Look at it from her prospective, how would you feel if you are starting a relationship and everytime you get around a certain someone, that person tries to get too close to the man you're trying to get close to?
Have you ever talked to ol girl one-on-one? As in call her up and ask her if you two can get together for a cup of coffee, lunch, whatever then lay it on the table how you feel without coming off as accusing? Maybe that'll open a flood gate of communication...she might even surprise you with her confession. She might say, as Capt. Dan, that oh baby you so fine, my man likes you so i'm jealous of you ... lol. Ok joking...but hey it could be true!
And depending on how the meeting goes, you can base your actions whether you should hang around the group or not. I agree with you, peace of mind is more important to me than blindly feeding the need to belong by being in a group....
Have you ever talked to ol girl one-on-one? As in call her up and ask her if you two can get together for a cup of coffee, lunch, whatever then lay it on the table how you feel without coming off as accusing? Maybe that'll open a flood gate of communication...she might even surprise you with her confession. She might say, as Capt. Dan, that oh baby you so fine, my man likes you so i'm jealous of you ... lol. Ok joking...but hey it could be true!
And depending on how the meeting goes, you can base your actions whether you should hang around the group or not. I agree with you, peace of mind is more important to me than blindly feeding the need to belong by being in a group....
I agree, a one on one conversation might help as long as you dont come off as being confrontational. Woman tend to be confrontational or never adress the issue and it snowballs into this big deal when it could have been fixed from the beginning with a sincere chat. Women need to be more Pro-Women and not Anti-Women, that will help build better friendships and relationships with each other. Drop the ego!
Have a one on one with her over lunch. You don't want to call her out in front of a group. That's just not classy. Your goal would be to find out what's bothering her - by allowing her to keep her dignity. If you do it this way, you too will be maintaining your dignity and people will respect you for it. Anybody can cause a scene - it takes a person of good moral character to confront in such a way as not to embarrass someone in front of an audience.
Obviously these "friends" of yours are either too apathetic or too spineless to confront her and at the very least ask her why she's behaving in such a toxic manner - and so is the man in the story. So, I think that it may be helpful for you to sit down with both her AND him and to ask her WHY she has been behaving this way. Once faced with direct questioning, she'll have to defend her actions - or she'll go b/tchy on you.
If the latter happens, at the very least, it will be known you attempted to address this conflict in a diplomatic manner.
You need to let her know, to her face, that her rumormongering about you is unacceptable and that it will not be tolerated. Based on your story, this woman will not stop talking behind your back on her own.
Finally - a personal note. I have always questioned the "friendships" of those who always chose to remain silent in such situations. Such folks usually defend themselves in trying to maintain neutrality. But, is it too much to say, "hey Jim, why are you always saying trash about Bobby? Bobby seems like a nice enough guy and he never talks about you, and he never does anything to you. Do you have any issues with him? Cuz if you do, maybe you're better off talking to him one on one rather than badmouthing him to us every chance you get. It's not nice, and I'm getting tired of it."
I've become blunter and more direct with age, so when these things happen, I go to the rumormongerer directly and ask him to his face what's going on. I usually don't get straightforward answers - which is not surprising.
Here's the scenario. There's a group of us that will get together from time to time for drinks, a cookout, to watch football; things like that. There's a couple within the group. I knew the gal first, then she met her guy a few months later. She was a great gal until she met him. Then she became an insecure ninny.
He and I get along really well. We'd have great discussions. These discussions usually took place among the group, with her right there. She'd sometimes talk to other people, but the minute she saw US talking, she'd get testy. If it was about politics, she'd really go left.
It became awkward after a while and a few kanipshuns. He and I started walking on eggshells, purposely avoiding standing too close or being alone anywhere at any time. It got to the point where one of the bunch actually asked me to keep the discussions to an absolute minimum because it bothered her so much. This was the last straw. I had already danced around her long enough.
I decided to just make myself scarce for a few months. During this time, she'd plant ugly seeds about me here and there, including with my best friend who was not part of the group.
After a while, things seemed to be going better with them, and the others assured me it was "safe" to come around more often. Things were fine for a while...until the other day. She cornered my best friend again with some nonsense about me that never even happened. How friggin' old are we?
I'm going to have to hand that entire group a pink slip. I can see the few I like on my own. The rest seem to enable her. Instead of making sure they don't ***** her off, they should be telling her how ridiculous her behavior has been. It's easier for me to take off; I like my solitude and I'm happy with the few friends I do have. It's just not worth it to me, nor is it worth subjecting my best friend or anyone else to her nonsense.
I guess I'm just venting, but I'm open to suggestions.
I think that, of all people in that group, the jealous woman's BOYFRIEND should be the one handling her jealousy, but it seems that he's not even handling it at all.
What has the boyfriend been doing in order to solve her jealousy, anyways?
Passthechocolate,
Would you have considered her your true friend before she started dating this guy? If she was a real friend, whether she's insecure or not, and you KNEW that it made her uncomfortable to talk with her man at length then you should have respected her feelings and backed off. you were the one that created this mess.
Now, If she was just an acquaintance you technically dont have any loyalty to her but as a woman you should know, that messing with another woman's man will always bring on the drama. If you made her upset of course she's gonna run and tell everybody else about it because she's hurt.
Look at it from her prospective, how would you feel if you are starting a relationship and everytime you get around a certain someone, that person tries to get too close to the man you're trying to get close to?
We frequented the same place for a while. It wasn't like we called each other, but when we'd run into one another, we got along really well. The group basically started inviting me out and it flourished from there. This was two years ago.
I'm not (had to add that in editing) the only one she'd get jealous of, but I am the only one in the group. The others were strangers that she'd flip over if he was being kind to them in any way. That said, good friend or not, I am always aware of my behavior and would never "mess with" another woman's guy. As I stated in my original posting, this happened among other people, she was never excluded, I didn't monopolize his time or vice versa. And I did back off, as I stated, even though neither he nor I did anything wrong.
Mind you, she has oodles of male friends. They talk in length all the time. She talks to strangers, men and women, all the time. Heck, one of the guys in the group is her ex. So there is a double standard here.
From what I understand, she gets this way with all of her men. So I feel somewhat relieved that this is not an isolated incident.
Last edited by PassTheChocolate; 02-10-2009 at 12:25 PM..
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Drop the ego!
