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You sound like a guy who's got his sh*t together. It'll never work being with such an irresponsible flake. Granted, cute looks and sex will do for a while, but I can't see it being a long while... You're already annoyed!
You obviously have some serious doubts or you would not be pouring your heart out to a passel of strangers on a forum. You know in your heart of hearts that this will not work out no matter how much you would like it to. If you follow your "heart" instead of your head you are going to have a world of troubles, problems and heartache.
If you truly love this person then you will be together when the time is RIGHT and you will know when that happens. When everything FEELS RIGHT *NOT* when it feels wrong, and you know it.
It is a proven fact that you can "love" many people in a lifetime. Honestly, wouldn't you rather love someone who is strong, mature, responsible and can CONTRIBUTE to the happiness of your life instead of creating drama and problems? Are you attracted to this woman because you want to be her Prince Charming? Rescue her from something? Look at your own motives for sticking this relationship out these 9 months (and $1100 dollars later).What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Is it good and healthy or are you trying to perform miracles? Did your mother suffer when you were a child? Did no one help her? Are you trying to rescue your mother by continuing to support this woman?
Look at your motives? If you WANT a relationship like the one you describe, that is your choice, you are an adult. Maybe it is what you NEED. But if it were me I would not make the commitment.
Thank you everyone for the input. Thanks for the laughs, and the advice.
I would say that there are some pros to her being here. Thats why I keep asking myself, am I just focusing on the negative factors?
That being said, I know what I have to do. I know it. All of my friends, save one (who actually has met her many times) says that it is not the best idea. Everyone tells me to go live my life, being reletively young (29) and in a new city.
I try not to let the money stuff bother me, but, the more I try to hide it, the more ticked I become. I have my own debt, and it bother me because I am paying hers! She has made no attempt to give me any of that back. The only reason I got the 100 was that I told her she had to give me something before we left on the trip. Then, a day before we left, calls me with a Sob story about how she had been trying to sell her furniture, but it didn't work out, blah blah blah.
It really hit me when I was out shopping for a Valentines Day Gift today. Try as hard as I may, I kept getting more irritated when I thought about the money, the no birthday gift, the no Xmas gift, etc. Here I am buying someone this cool gift, and I am going to get something pretty crappy, when they owe me all of this money. I lent the first chunk at the end of May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I brought it up to her last, she went on and on about how it weighs on her mind, and she is trying to get it together. That was 2 months ago. I know she has some money, because every time I talk to her shes out with one of her gf's having a beer, or out to lunch, at a concert, party, etc.
GRRRRRRR!!!! I am getting irritated thinking about it!
You obviously have some serious doubts or you would not be pouring your heart out to a passel of strangers on a forum. You know in your heart of hearts that this will not work out no matter how much you would like it to. If you follow your "heart" instead of your head you are going to have a world of troubles, problems and heartache.
If you truly love this person then you will be together when the time is RIGHT and you will know when that happens. When everything FEELS RIGHT *NOT* when it feels wrong, and you know it.
It is a proven fact that you can "love" many people in a lifetime. Honestly, wouldn't you rather love someone who is strong, mature, responsible and can CONTRIBUTE to the happiness of your life instead of creating drama and problems? Are you attracted to this woman because you want to be her Prince Charming? Rescue her from something? Look at your own motives for sticking this relationship out these 9 months (and $1100 dollars later).What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Is it good and healthy or are you trying to perform miracles? Did your mother suffer when you were a child? Did no one help her? Are you trying to rescue your mother by continuing to support this woman?
Look at your motives? If you WANT a relationship like the one you describe, that is your choice, you are an adult. Maybe it is what you NEED. But if it were me I would not make the commitment.
20yrsinBranson
This post is awesome.
Funny thing is, I hate my parents, and do not even talk to them. Yet, I keep ending up in relationships with girls, that, while nice, always have some kind of "saving" needed. I don't (usually) know that going in, but it seems once I am in, I try to help.
I just want someone on my level. With a decent job, aspirations, their own stuff.
I just want someone on my level. With a decent job, aspirations, their own stuff.
In just that one sentence, I think you have just answered your own question. Unfortunately, you may have to think of the money you lent as a "lesson learned". I just don't see her paying it back.
The one thing I have learned over the years, do not settle for second best, the right girl is out there - somewhere.
No girlfriend gifts for her until she becomes fiscally responsible. At least you can see that you'd like a girlfriend that could give you as cool a present as you want to give her.
My suggestion is still be nice to her as a friend. It's okay to tell her you miss her. However, steer the conversations so that you can steer her into a better direction in life. Selling her furniture is not the answer to her money woes. Find out how much she makes a week. If she can send you $25 a week, that's a $100 a month back to you. It's small, but a start. If she has a good work week, then she ought to send you $50. At the same time, encourage her to find better work, the kind that might lead to a career.
You say that she's pretty and great company. She probably thought that her looks and charm was enough to get her a good husband that would take care of her. And being a waitress and being a scatterbrain with her money was fine when she was 20, but it's not fine now. She's got to grow up and become an adult.
You're 29, and how old is she? What else do you think she'd be good at doing? What kind of waitress is she? If her tips are cash, then that's a big part of her problem. Not enough of her cash wages is making it into her bank account. Have you ever sat down with her to figure out where her money goes? Is she drinking it away? Is she addicting to shopping?
You're 29, and how old is she? What else do you think she'd be good at doing? What kind of waitress is she? If her tips are cash, then that's a big part of her problem. Not enough of her cash wages is making it into her bank account. Have you ever sat down with her to figure out where her money goes? Is she drinking it away? Is she addicting to shopping?
She is 25. And yeah, her tips are cash, she works at a Tavern/Restaurant type place. She actually has the highest sales of all the wait staff month after month.
The thing is, I am not sure where it is going. She doesn't really drink, and if she does it is at her bar so it is super cheap. She really doesn't shop, I have way more clothes and stuff than she does. It is odd, to be honest. I know she was living in a SUPER expensive apartment with her friend 2 girls that combined made about 45K were paying about 1400+ a month for an apt) but she moved out recently into somewhere a LOT more affordable, so she should have quite a bit extra. She has no credit card debt, no car payment, nothing. All she has is a student loan that she defaulted on, but even that is small.
We talked a bit the other day, and are probably going to talk about it today.
The other day, she said she was trying to get her loan paid off. I didn't question how much she paid off, but I really doubt it was a lot. She kept saying that she is trying and she is so sorry. I told her that all I had to go on was our 9 month history, and that what I had seen was scaring me and making me want to run away. I told her that I did not want to be taking care of her, and that I can't afford/don't want for her to move here and to be responsible for her and me. That I needed someone that could pull their own weight. She was at work (she called me) so I did not want to get into too much as she was at work.
I am taking back her V-Day gift though, for sure, and told her as much. That is about $100 right there. I let her know that I was very hurt that I never got any kind of birthday gift, especially after all I did for her. She said she just hadn't sent it yet. I was like "THAT WAS OVER TWO MONTHS AGO!!!"
I am going to talk to her probably today. We shall see
If you break up with her right now, you can kiss that $1100 goodbye. I feel that since it's become a long distance relationship/friendship now, it's safe for you to not break up with her right now and try to steer her into a more mature lifestyle. 25 years of age is where many people set themselves up a mini goal of getting more serious with life. I think that she frittered away her tips on an expensive lifestyle. Why was she fired from her last job?
Anyway, as her friend, try to nudge her to grow up and be more responsible. And you don't want to marry anyone that's going to bring your credit rating down and make all the loans while you are married more expensive with a higher interest rate. Give her a few months to see if she can start paying you back $25 or $50 at a time. Maybe she could PayPal you those payments.
Now, this girl knocked me for a loop. Very pretty. We get along smashingly. I would say she is one of my very best friends. She is a great lover, a blast to hang with, and we have a lot in common. We really did fall in love right away. ?
BTW, this is why I think that you shouldn't break things off cold turkey with your GF. If she is really also a best friend, and not just a lover to you, you should try to make her see that she needs to approach life more responsibly. Being pretty and great company is not enough to outweigh her negative traits such as being a spendthrift and not honoring her debts. If she can't keep her promises, then how can her friends trust her? And she needs to think very hard before making any new promises. Also tell her that you need to hear the honest trust from her, not just anything that comes to her mind that she thinks will keep you happy with her, like saying that she bought a present for you but hasn't mailed it yet. Instead, she needs to tell you she forgot or didn't have the money to get one. And you have to promise not to get mad at her when she tells you these things... as a friend.
At 25, it's a great time for her to turn around her life. When she is 30, 35 or older, life is going to treat her much more harshly as she won't have the innocence of youth or her good looks to protect her.
IMO, don't throw away your hard work and good credit standing for a piece of ass. You need someone that is on YOUR level. Love is great but money woes will wreak that in about a month. You are too young to be tied down to this chick anyways. She sounds like alot of baggage you don't need. She could end up a huge burden and you will spend even more money sending her ass back home when it doesn't work out.
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