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Even if they say they are going to quit? I believe in giving people chances (maybe), but I am just curious how others feel.
When I met my wife, she told me that she occasionally smokes pot. I told her that if she wants to be with me, then she's going to have to give that up. She did too. Had she not done so, I would've moved on.
I've never done any drugs and don't prefer people who do.
Yes, he is saying I am not interested in you, your support or stopping using at this time. Thanks for pointing out the obvious and very important point.
Meanwhile, in my goofy head I am saying - maybe he can't answer it, maybe he's in the hospital, in jail, etc. I think I need to go to codependents anonymous.
And it's perhaps not that he's not interested in you. It's just that he's far more interested in his best friend/worst enemy, his drug of choice.
Which is what would land him in a jail or a hospital. And if you spend time with him, you could land there too.
Group meetings can be great places to work on issues. There is much grace and healing to be gotten from the zillions of groups out there, whether 12-step or church or professionally-led.
Please remember, not everyone in every group is completely healthy and has your well-being foremost in their mind. Critical judgement, skepticism, and your gut should accompany you to all groups.
There are lots of good books out there too. One of my first was Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Woititz. It was rough, but it was a blessing.
There are many seminars and workshops, too. Many universities run summer seminars on addictions and related disorders.
You sound like a kind person who wants to give someone a chance.
What I think you're hearing here is, find someone who's not bundled in pathology, give him a chance.
God bless you, and good luck in your search.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drover
You've just described my mom. And people like that often take drugs as a form of self-medication. My mom's self-administered medicine of choice is alcohol. And to be honest, it works better than any prescribed medication she's ever been on.
Normally I'm not a big fan of self-medication because it usually complicates the situation more than it helps it. My mom, on the other hand, is the only person whose alcohol habit I actually approve of, because it just plain makes her tolerable. And thankfully it doesn't take that much to do the job so her liver is only taking a mild beating rather than a huge beating.
She starts at about 4pm, has about 3 or 4 scotches a night, goes to bed at a normal hour, gets up at a normal hour, and is a productive and completely functional person. Unfortunately, she also happens to be a raging basketcase most of the time. That is, until the buzz starts to come on. Then she's just as mellow as a coffeehouse beatnik. There isn't anyone in my family who has ever tried to get her to cut back on her drinking.
Ouch! Life must have been rough.
The woman I refer to had a son, during rational times she said she feared she was raising the next Charlie Manson. I feel for the child, he was seriously disturbed at age 10.
Different strokes for different folks. I'm glad your mom's self-med program is working, at least some of the time.
Progress, not perfection.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
I'll provide another word for you. I still remember my uncle, holding a knife, threatening everyone in the house if we did not tell him what we did with his booze. I will never, ever forget that as long as I live. And that is not the worst thing he did...by far. The man was a walking train wreck. He caused immeasurable pain to everyone around him, his entire life.
Drugs or booze....an addict is an addict.
Indeed. Just because the news is full of the evil deeds of meth and crack heads, it doesn't mean there aren't plenty of seriously crazy alcohol addicts still running around making life miserable for everyone in range.
I remember some of my mother's stories about various cousins and uncles who had bad booze problems. These people lived in the teens and '20s, and believe me you don't need crack, crank, or anything more potent than ETOH to get you seriously out of your mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I understand that smoking or excessive drinking isn't good for you, however how does science explain people who smoke and drink for 50 yrs and eat more read meat then they should, how they live well into their 70's.
Is it luck, good genes. What??
Fate? The exception that proves the rule? Favored by God? Hated by God?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann
Anything other than pot, NEVER. Besides pot is a herb. Same goes for an alcoholic - Never. A drinker yes, as I love my tipple just like everyone else but not one that depends on alcohol to see him through.
Poppies are just flowers. Alcohol comes from grains.
Today's pot is genetically modified, just like much of the Monsanto-chow we are fed. It's far more potent than the reefer madness that brought the 60s on, and consequently IMO the decline of our nation. But that's another discussion thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by deerislesmile
There's this line from the movie "Pretty Woman" you should consider.... "Never fall in love with Potential."
Having watched someone I used to love very much ruin his life, body, mind, and spirit with illegal (and legal) drugs, I would say listen to that "run" instinct. Though I don't hang out with a lot of drug abusers, every single one of them that I do know, when they were in the active cycle of their addiction were "about to quit", "going to quit", "able to quit", or some other lie that they have to tell themselves in order to mask the truth that they can't quit at all. IF this person were to be able to stop his drug use, he should be focused on getting/staying sober for at least a year before he tries to focus on something like a romantic relationship. I dunno- if he's a really great guy, I would say wait until he's sober a whole year and then date him. However... you might be waiting a VERY long time for that year of sobriety. AND HEAVEN FORBID- do NOT become the reason/inspiration for him to quit doing drugs, because pretty soon, you'll become the reason he relapses. Not trying to preach at you... I've just been there, done that, and (hopefully) learned something from my experience.
Been there, done that, and you got the hat. Many of us here have those hats.
You have my sympathy. With alcoholism thick in both branches of my family (hey, we're Irish!), I've seen my share of drawn-and-quartered potential.
I like the CC quote on persistence vs. potential, courtesy of my mother:
"Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." Calvin Coolidge
Unbeknown to me, I married a drug user. He kept it pretty much on the "down-low" but I found out soon enough. Unfortunately, I had already had a child so things got beyond complicated especially when he started to sell. So much went wrong with this marriage because of the drug and eventually alcohol that it is too lengthy to talk about all of it. Here is a partial list of what can happen:
Never any food in the house - Money went for drugs
STATE police always pounding on my door looking for him, bills never got paid, he refused to work, he refused to take care of himself, he stole checks from checkbook, he caused BIG overdrafts at local bank, he wrecked cars, cheated with the grossest women ever, he stole things and it goes on and on and on. It took me 11 years to get away from him and I don't regret one minute ofmy decision.
NO...don't date a known drug user and if you get into a relationship where someone is using, unless they go to rehab and swear they will never touch the stuff again, RUN LIKE HELL.
Unbeknown to me, I married a drug user. He kept it pretty much on the "down-low" but I found out soon enough. Unfortunately, I had already had a child so things got beyond complicated especially when he started to sell. So much went wrong with this marriage because of the drug and eventually alcohol that it is too lengthy to talk about all of it. Here is a partial list of what can happen:
Never any food in the house - Money went for drugs
STATE police always pounding on my door looking for him, bills never got paid, he refused to work, he refused to take care of himself, he stole checks from checkbook, he caused BIG overdrafts at local bank, he wrecked cars, cheated with the grossest women ever, he stole things and it goes on and on and on. It took me 11 years to get away from him and I don't regret one minute ofmy decision.
NO...don't date a known drug user and if you get into a relationship where someone is using, unless they go to rehab and swear they will never touch the stuff again, RUN LIKE HELL.
Wow, I am sorry to hear all of that happened to you. Eleven years is a LONG time to be with someone like that. Sounds like you went through a lot of pain. Glad you are out. I WILL heed your advice.
Critical judgment, skepticism, and your gut should accompany you to all groups...There are lots of good books out there too. One of my first was Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Woititz. It was rough, but it was a blessing...
Been there, done that, and you got the hat. Many of us here have those hats... With alcoholism thick in both branches of my family (hey, we're Irish!), I've seen my share of drawn-and-quartered potential.
A marriage councilor gave me the ACOA book. I read it cover to cover and thought the author must have been spying on me my whole life in order to write that book. I too come from an Irish heritage, as did my husband.
To movin' on: Look back through your family - is it possible there is more than just social drinking in your family network? I thought for a very long time that alkies were somehow "better" than druggies for the same reasons you do. Do yourself a favor & read the ACOA book Dwatted Wabbit () mentions. I think you'd be surprised at all the things substance abusers have in common; regardless of the substance at hand. Even more so; I think you'd see just how much those of us who have loved & lived with an addict...have in common with you.
A marriage councilor gave me the ACOA book. I read it cover to cover and thought the author must have been spying on me my whole life in order to write that book. I too come from an Irish heritage, as did my husband.
To movin' on: Look back through your family - is it possible there is more than just social drinking in your family network? I thought for a very long time that alkies were somehow "better" than druggies for the same reasons you do. Do yourself a favor & read the ACOA book Dwatted Wabbit () mentions. I think you'd be surprised at all the things substance abusers have in common; regardless of the substance at hand. Even more so; I think you'd see just how much those of us who have loved & lived with an addict...have in common with you.
Well, yes. My Uncle died of liver cirhossis (sp) and my other one (but they were both single and solitary drinkers who never had kids and minded their own business and lived on a farm). So it is in my history. My first cousin has a history of bipolar and alcoholism. Nonetheless, I still maintain that alcoholics are far less damaging than drug addicts, although I am welcome to debate.
Well, yes. My Uncle died of liver cirrhosis (sp) and my other one (but they were both single and solitary drinkers who never had kids and minded their own business and lived on a farm). So it is in my history. My first cousin has a history of bipolar and alcoholism. Nonetheless, I still maintain that alcoholics are far less damaging than drug addicts, although I am welcome to debate.
Well, I think you will get a lot of that here!
I posted on another thread many months back that alcoholism is like a snowball rolling down hill when it starts; and an avalanche by the time
it takes its toll. Maybe other vices take less time to do you in (like heroin, meth, crack)....but the end result is the same. I suppose it
is all in one's perception of how damaging one addiction is over another; I admit I did not always feel the way I do now.
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Would You Date a Drug User?
) mentions. I think you'd be surprised at all the things substance abusers have in common; regardless of the substance at hand. Even more so; I think you'd see just how much those of us who have loved & lived with an addict...have in common with you.
