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Old 03-19-2009, 02:16 AM
 
Location: The O.C.--Soon, ATL
666 posts, read 1,970,621 times
Reputation: 647

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I've been reading some relationship type self help books lately. My girlfriend (who is married) keeps giving them to me or suggesting them...she must think I need an extraordinary amount of help in navigating the dating/relationship dance, lol. Most of them (written by men, I might add) seem to advise that women kill any chance at having a meaningful long term relationship with a man if they respond to his sexual advances too soon. Most books say wait until you are in an exclusive relationship (which usually takes 3-4 months or more) or even wait until engaged. (Personally, I think a month seems like a long time, but obviously this is why I'm still single, lol.)

First of all, do most of you (women and men) agree with this? The theory is that if you have sex with a guy too soon, he won't try to develop an emotional friendship or intellectual relationship with you, but will be stuck in the physical attraction stage. Or that guys only keep what they compete/work for and will just take the woman for granted if she sleeps with him too easily. So based on that theory, if a woman acts on her physical desires on, say, the 4th date, she's destroyed all chance of a LTR with this man. In fact, these relationship theorists advise that women shouldn't act on their natural sexual impulses at all until the time is right. (Women are evidently not allowed to be passionate creatures.) So I'm curious, for those of you who are married or in a relationship now, did you or your SO delay sex for 4-6 months? Or did you have sex early on and still stay together?

Second of all, if this is true, I'm a little perplexed how to avoid getting myself in a situation where I and a guy I really like/care about both want to connect sexually. I find, that even when kissing a guy goodnight on a second date, the kiss may quickly turn into a passionate one, instincts take over, and things can develop. Based on that observation, does that mean I have to stop kissing guys good night until I've been dating them for 3-4 months? I'm obviously being facetious, but I'm not sure how to extricate myself from the situation without causing any hard feelings or frustration. (And I too would be very frustrated also).

And lastly, do these socalled dating rules/tips apply even when you and the person you are dating are in their late forties? These books seem to be written more for people who are in their late twenties/early thirties to me. Don't people who are older know more what they want/need and are mature enough to assess another person's value as a potential mate regardless of whether they've had sex on the second date, 10th date, or the 30th? I obviously am not completely understanding these concepts.
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Old 03-19-2009, 02:30 AM
 
11,510 posts, read 12,086,057 times
Reputation: 8685
Dont beleive everything you read. Just have sex when you think is the right time.
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:07 AM
 
5,823 posts, read 10,722,593 times
Reputation: 4613
Absolutely false .
I had sex the very 1st night I met her with my so, and we've been 17 years together!
On the other hand, I did find myself in situations where I could have had sex with a gal, I was too shy or didn't do the right things at the right moment, and then I was "pigeonholed" (yeah, that's why I'm Pigeonhole) into the "friend" category, and that was it.
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Old 03-19-2009, 08:39 PM
 
25,163 posts, read 50,168,938 times
Reputation: 6987
Sex of any kind will ruin any and all relationships.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,387 posts, read 32,374,823 times
Reputation: 14639
Sex too soon makes a relationship physical and takes away from the developing other aspects of the relationship. The one thing the marriage counselor really emphasized when my husband and I reconciled was that we should not have sex. I don't think you can work on a relationship well if you're sexually involved.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:34 PM
 
25,163 posts, read 50,168,938 times
Reputation: 6987
Is this your marriage counselor: http://www.jeffshinabarger.com/wp-co...therteresa.jpg

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Sex too soon makes a relationship physical and takes away from the developing other aspects of the relationship. The one thing the marriage counselor really emphasized when my husband and I reconciled was that we should not have sex. I don't think you can work on a relationship well if you're sexually involved.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Lost in Montana *recalculating*...
15,314 posts, read 17,627,593 times
Reputation: 16333
Okay- wtf does LTR stand for?
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:38 PM
 
1,645 posts, read 4,134,807 times
Reputation: 1699
If I was a chick there is no way I'd spread my legs for some dude the first, second, or even tenth date. That is the #1 test to determine if a guy is really into you or just playing a game. If he really likes you he will wait. It's a shame most females don't get that concept.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:44 PM
 
Location: NY metro area
7,787 posts, read 15,102,367 times
Reputation: 10760
I slept with my husband on the first date. There was a sexual attraction and it just happened. I didn't expect anything thereafter. I enjoyed my time with him and if he called me again, then great. If not...next!

To this day I don't know why he called me the next day...either I was really good in the sack or he enjoyed spending time with me too.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,728 posts, read 18,794,477 times
Reputation: 14691
I can only speak for myself, but when I was dating women in their 40s a decade or more ago, if we didn't have sex by day two they went into the "friendship" category, never to resurface beyond that. I spent 27 years with a woman who didn't like sex, and the last thing I wanted was another one like her. I'm not suggesting you should have sex on the first date or two, but with me, if you didn't there would be no romance from there on out.
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