Married men: did you lose your manhood after marriage? (dating, wives, women)
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Ok, sarcasm aside. If you're married - male or female - your input is welcome.
My best friend "Benjamin" got married a bit over 2 years ago. Throughout 2010, as his dating relationship with his now wife, "Eve," developed into an engagement and ultimately into a marriage, I saw less and less of him. I understood this. He was in love, had found the one at last, and was investing much of him into Eve, as he was very much into her and vice-versa.
Today, Benjamin and Eve are proud parents of a baby, and they're very happy.
Now, Benjamin is a good guy, but he was always a bit lazy, and lacked proactivity. Not assertive. Two long-distance road trips we took in the final 1.5 years before his wedding were my initiative. In fact, on the last road trip, which happened 3 months before his wedding, Eve called him out on his passivity in an email, as they were having arguments about getting wedding stuff done (in the email, she said, "look at this very road trip. Sprawling did all the work: itinerary, hotel, research. You took a passive role and are simply tagging along.").
With this in mind, and how much he loved and loves Eve, it did not surprise me at all that after his wedding, I barely saw him. I saw him 5 times in 2011 and in 2012, so far, twice - he took me out for my birthday and I took him out to his. I will see him a final time in 2012 soon, as his baby has her first birthday party.
But what struck me was that it was as if he became a virtual recluse. I accept the fact Eve is a lot prettier than I am, and I know newlyweds spend tons of time together at first. But no happy hours, ever? No invitations for dinner once in a while? Nope. Nothing.
I admit it would help if Benjamin and I had more common interests. I like to work out. He doesn't. He likes watching sports. I do not.
I asked him flat out, once, if Eve keeps him at home. He said no, but knowing Benjamin, I believe he is too proud to ever admit that he's whipped by his wife and that she doesn't like him going out.
The reason all this struck me as strange is that years before Benjamin even met Eve, I used to socialize with a few married men. One of them has an oldest child who is now 12, so he's no newbie to marriage. His wife let him go out with me on occasion, freely, without any problems.
Other married men whom I've socialized with... surely they weren't as free as single guys, but none of them was as "homebound" as Benjamin has been. If they were, it happened before I met them.
And in fact, nearly 1 year ago, another friend of mine got married. But Ron goes out with me and his other guy friends freely. Not that Ron wants to or cares to go out and get plastered every night. But he's free to do as he wishes. His wife is understanding and flexible. They strike me more as a team.
With Benjamin and Eve, I can't help but think that she bosses him around - and I think this is in large part to the fact that Benjamin brought a measure of laziness and a lack of proactivity to the marriage. Eve however works in finance, is uptight, and gets things done. Benjamin himself admitted to me that he is now no longer a slob because Eve won't tolerate it. He has also admitted that he cannot ignore his wife if she tells him to be responsible/proactive, although he freely ignored my suggestions that he be more proactive when he was single, before Eve showed up.
So, my questions are:...
MARRIED MEN:
1. Did your wives try to keep you at home? If so, why? Were they jealous? Did they think you were going to go out and get wasted at strip parlors? Were they insecure?
2. If your wives did this but changed, what made them change?
3. If your wives did this, how did you react? Did you comply, rebel, or try to seek a common ground which would allow you a measure of "guy time" with the guys every month?
MARRIED WOMEN:
1. Did you ever try to keep your husbands at home early in your marriage? If so, why?
2. Did they listen?
3. If they "obeyed" you, did you then think your "authority" was extendable to other areas?
4. If they "obeyed" you, did you feel pride in domineering your husbands? Or did you lose respect for them as they became submissive to a woman (you)?
5. If you were domineering early on but later let him have more social time/etc., what happened that made you change?
Oh wake up. Your friend is married with a kid. His priorities have changed. You are no longer his best friend, his wife is. When I got married, a few of my "friends" disappeared. I could not nor did I want to do the same things that I did when I was single. You are assuming a great deal about your buddy's wife. He may be and probably is exactly where he wants to be.
In regards to your questions
MARRIED MEN:
1. Did your wives try to keep you at home? If so, why? Were they jealous? Did they think you were going to go out and get wasted at strip parlors? Were they insecure?
No. No and No.
2. If your wives did this but changed, what made them change?
Again, no. I always put her first.
3. If your wives did this, how did you react? Did you comply, rebel, or try to seek a common ground which would allow you a measure of "guy time" with the guys every month?
Nothing to react to. If I wanted to go see my buddies once in a while, she had no problem. One of the best nights of my life came when I returned early from a boys night out. She asked why I was home so early, I told her, "They wanted to go to a strip joint, so I came home".
It is called mutual respect. Don't give your spouse something to be worry about your intentions or actions, and your life will be much easier.
Oh wake up. Your friend is married with a kid. His priorities have changed. You are no longer his best friend, his wife is. When I got married, a few of my "friends" disappeared. I could not nor did I want to do the same things that I did when I was single. You are assuming a great deal about your buddy's wife. He may be and probably is exactly where he wants to be.
In regards to your questions
MARRIED MEN:
1. Did your wives try to keep you at home? If so, why? Were they jealous? Did they think you were going to go out and get wasted at strip parlors? Were they insecure?
No. No and No.
2. If your wives did this but changed, what made them change?
Again, no. I always put her first.
3. If your wives did this, how did you react? Did you comply, rebel, or try to seek a common ground which would allow you a measure of "guy time" with the guys every month?
Nothing to react to. If I wanted to go see my buddies once in a while, she had no problem. One of the best nights of my life came when I returned early from a boys night out. She asked why I was home so early, I told her, "They wanted to go to a strip joint, so I came home".
It is called mutual respect. Don't give your spouse something to be worry about your intentions or actions, and your life will be much easier.
Great. You're a good husband, and you have been so. All married men should prioritize their wives as you have, because that way, divorce rates would be lower. (not being sarcastic - I know a man whose marriage lasted a short time and a major reason was that he was a bad husband.)
I know his priorities have changed. But as I said, he was like this from the moment he got married. The baby was born in December 2011. He got married in the autumn of 2010. The baby isn't what made him stop coming out. And once the baby was born I myself withdrew from him even FURTHER out of respect for his job as a dad.
1 month ago, Benjamin and I had dinner. As I said, it was for my birthday. He was drinking a bit and venting about how his wife was stressing him out regarding the baby's caretaking. He admitted that coming out for a few beers & food was a "luxury."
I couldn't help but sense the irony. He didn't give me much time earlier on in his marriage. Now that his daughter keeps him at home no matter what, a mere 2 hours to get away with me, with a couple of cold ones, was a "luxury."
Friends/family were going to a neighbor island for a beer festival and we were invited. I didn't feel like going but actively and sincerely encouraged my husband to go. He said he "wouldn't have any fun if I didn't go." He never went. /lol
On the other hand he would go riding motorcycle with the boys on the weekends. If he was gone for 8 hours or more, I would call getting pretty pissy. We had a house we were renovating. So THOSE friends thought I was a fun-killing nag.
In my current marriage I try very hard to plan events/outings/parties to keep us in contact with friends.
With your friend though (and more to the point).... did he ever initiate get togethers (ie: happy hour) before marriage? Have you asked him and he said no?
I think it's important in marriage for both parties to maintain friendships whether alone or as a couple.
With your friend though (and more to the point).... did he ever initiate get togethers (ie: happy hour) before marriage? Have you asked him and he said no?
For the most part, no. From the early/mid-2000s until 2009, when he first met Eve, 9 out of 10 get-togethers we had were my idea. My initiative. Whether it was watching a movie or trying a great new restaurant, it was always me calling him. This is why I highlighted his laziness and lack of proactivity. He has openly admitted to being lazy - and to this day I laugh when I think of what Eve is like, because during their dating, Eve told him she "hates lazy people."
The two road trips were my idea, with me doing all the work (research, hotels, itinerary, etc) and him simply paying for half of all expenses later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
I think it's important in marriage for both parties to maintain friendships whether alone or as a couple.
Yep. I've grown used to it now and in the past 2 years since Benjamin got married, my social circle has evolved. I no longer miss him as I once did.
I mentioned Ron, who is also married (but has no kids) and other married friends to provide a contrast.
Oh wake up. Your friend is married with a kid. His priorities have changed. You are no longer his best friend, his wife is. When I got married, a few of my "friends" disappeared. I could not nor did I want to do the same things that I did when I was single. You are assuming a great deal about your buddy's wife. He may be and probably is exactly where he wants to be.
Pretty much. A man isn't going to do anything he doesn't want to do. If he's staying home, it's because he wants to.
MARRIED WOMEN:
1. Did you ever try to keep your husbands at home early in your marriage? If so, why?
Not sure what you mean. I expected my husband to act like a husband and father as he expected me to act like a wife and mother. But not his mother.
2. Did they listen? Listen to what?
3. If they "obeyed" you, did you then think your "authority" was extendable to other areas? Marriage is a partnership. There was no obeying.
4. If they "obeyed" you, did you feel pride in domineering your husbands? Or did you lose respect for them as they became submissive to a woman (you)?
See above
5. If you were domineering early on but later let him have more social time/etc., what happened that made you change?
Marriage is an equal partnership. I was not my husbands parent, nor he mine.
Accept the fact that your friend dosnt care much about hanging out with you. He is now a husband and father and acts as such.
For the most part, no. From the early/mid-2000s until 2009, when he first met Eve, 9 out of 10 get-togethers we had were my idea. My initiative. Whether it was watching a movie or trying a great new restaurant, it was always me calling him. This is why I highlighted his laziness and lack of proactivity. He has openly admitted to being lazy - and to this day I laugh when I think of what Eve is like, because during their dating, Eve told him she "hates lazy people."
The two road trips were my idea, with me doing all the work (research, hotels, itinerary, etc) and him simply paying for half of all expenses later.
Yep. I've grown used to it now and in the past 2 years since Benjamin got married, my social circle has evolved. I no longer miss him as I once did.
I mentioned Ron, who is also married (but has no kids) and other married friends to provide a contrast.
Sounds like your friend has always been a homebody at best, unambitious at worst. Not sure why you keep trying to insinuate that his wife has anything to do with it.
Married men: did you lose your manhood after marriage?
No. Did you? Or was it beforehand?
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