The begining of the end! (wife, marriage, woman, love)

[msta999]

Our marriage has been over for almost 10 years now, and although I feel she has try'd to get rid of me on many occasions, I stay'd because I wanted to watch my kids grow upl I went with out for this reason both with her excessive spending and in other departments. We are both in our mid 40's and really haven't had anything to do with the other for well over 3 years now.....I think this was the hardest on me, she has said she hasn't had those types of feelings for many years and doesn't see that changing any time soon. Both kids were born with a C-section.......I'm only guessing, but that may have something to do with it........I just may have watched to many documentaries.........

Well, we finally started talking about how the divorce is going to go and that it needs to be sooner than later so maybe we can both get some real relax time. Sounds like I'll be looking for my own place real soon. The talk went so smooth, I almost feel like I'm going to get the short end of the deal somehow. She agreed and even brought it up first, about not using lawyers, since we don't have huge amounts of equities to worry about. She wants to live in the house with the kids, until our youngest has graduated which is in 4 years. Our oldest graduates next year. I hate the thought of not having my boy in the same house with me, we are kind of close, not sure if I'll make things worse by trying for full custody instead of joint, with the kids staying at the wifes house and I can get them when ever.....how ever with club soccer, school and scouts, I live in the same house and haven't been able to do much camping in the last 3 years...... Any thoughts..........

[Rance]

As long as you two get along like you are...do you see any issue with getting the kids when you want? It's a bonus if you can work things out between yourselves rather tha getting lawyers involved and end up fighting over trivial material things...which end up getting sold to pay for lawyers anyway. it will be much less painfull if you can "do it yourself" divorce. Hope it works out. And trust me...your kids are old enough at this point...when one parent goes berserk over custody...as what I went through with my ex...all it did was drive the kids closer to me. Mine lost all respect for their mother and they ended up with me anyway. Kids are not dumb and blind as to what goes on.

[yankeegirl313]

Yes...its tough, no matter how you try to analyze it!
Truth is...Mom and Dad is divorcing and I will only be able to see you this time period. Go with it, stick with it it, and don`t be late, picking them up...because they really look forward for time with their Dad!
Happens everyday, unfortunetly. It will be ok.

[Connecticut Pam]

It is very sad that your marriage is not working out, but unfortunately sometimes people do grow apart. I don't think it had much to do with her C-sections unless she had some emotional issues over them, they hurt, but they are not that bad. I had a similar operation years ago and it did nothing to my "libido".

Your children are old enough for you to sit down and explain to them what is going on. You don't have to go into any detail with them other than things have changed between you and their Mom but it doesn't mean that it had anything to do with them and it doesn't mean that you are not going to see them as much as you can. The biggest mistake parents can make is to promise to spend time with the kids after a divorce and then not follow through. My sons Dad and I have been divorced for almost 30 years now and he stopped calling my son and visiting with my son 5 years after the divorce. My son is now 40 and wants nothing more to do with his Father. He acknowledges that this person is his Father but calls him "the sperm donor". All this happened because my ex didn't follow through with promises to visit, promises to call and promises of summer vacations together. The ex was so involved with the woman he ran off with that he dumped his son to spend 100% of his time with her. Whether or not she instigated this I will never know and at this point in life don't care. What is done is done and cannot be undone..too late.

Find a good life for yourself and PLEASE if you promise to include your boys in that life, follow through or you too will end up with a couple of 40 year olds who consider you a mere sperm donor. Hang tough...divorces are the pits but all will work out I am sure.

[Ivorytickler]

First, do not ask the kids to choose. While they probably do have preferences for living arrangements, picking one will feel like choosing between their parents. Second, as a child of divorce myself, I value that I had one place to call home. I valued just having time to hang around the neighborhood. I have fond memories of home, friends and just being a kid. Split arrangements take all that away.

By far, the best time I remember as a kid was when my father was working on the main road just down our street. In the summer, we'd walk to our side of the road and he'd cross and we'd sit on the curb and have lunch with him. So my vote is, the kids live in the marital home with one parent, who is the parent who sets the rules, and the other is around a lot.

[Laura707]

When my ex and I decided to get a divorce, I told him it would be a "friendly" divorce where we remained friends for the kids sake and he agreed. I told him my kids were NOT pawns that either of us would use to get revenge and he agreed. We also agreed on a open door policy for the kids. Neither had custody and the kids would be free to come and go at either house. If they wanted to stay at his house one night and mine the next, that is what would happen and what did happen. We both lived in the same school district so that was no problem. Where I lived, they walked to and from school, where he lived, they rode the school bus. They kids HAVE to know you will be in constant touch with each other and can talk without bitterness or they will use the situation to their advantage.

This arrangement worked out wonderfully for us and most importantly, for the kids. We have been divorced now for over 20 years and we are still friends and our children know they can invite us both to a family function and we will sit and talk like the old friends we are.

To me, the MOST important thing in a divorce are the children and they should be FIRST over any grudge, hard feeling, anger.. All that has to be put aside for the good of the kids. It worked well for me and my ex and most importantly, for the children! Never forget, they are BOTH of your children and always will be.

[older fella]

I guess I'm unique. I hung on until the last of my four children was set for her college ed and then I split. It was more like 15 years of non-relationship for me. I was depressed...diagnosed and in treatment. I finally left and my kids - aged 29, 27, 21, 19 at the time - ALL shunned me. I was devastated but knew that I'd done the only thing I could do to heal myself. It is almost three years now and I have practically no contact with any kid other than the occasional $$ request.

My opinion: do what you need to do for yourself, as soon as you can. You need to heal. They need to take care of themselves.

[Pikantari]

I think that if you can do it in a civil manner, that is wonderful. I only wish my situation could be that way.

I actually tried to have it be that way, and my husband tore that situation all to hell. He still treats me badly, even though I now live nearly four hours away from him. Every little thing ends up in court and it is a wreck.

I cannot afford a lawyer and he is going into debt over his.

I have nothing, so it is not like he can get anything from me. He kept everything we owned. He sure is trying, though. We are still in the throws of custody, and it is a most painful situation. If I am hurting this badly, I cannot even begin to imagine what my kids are feeling.

I would have loved for my situation to have been a civil one, but I suppose having hopes like that was very far fetched for me, and I still try to hold onto those hopes! I still try to talk to him like he may just get it one day, and I get torn down and thrown on the floor every time.

I will learn one day, I guess...

If you know your wife well enough and think she can stay civil, by all means, I would take that route.

I knew my husband was a jerk and tried to take that route and should have known better.

[Twinkle Toes]

When you move out, why not move close to where the kids go to school. Don't force the kids to choose a parent. Just allow the kids to stay at whoever's house they feel like staying at that night. Sometimes they might want to be at mom's, but maybe on a Tuesday (for example) they want to stay at your place. Let the kids be wherever they want to be.

[PassTheChocolate]

I'm all for equal time with the parents, as long as both parents are healthy contributors to their children's lives.

I know a couple here where dad has the kids Sun-Tues, mom has them Wed-Fri and they alternate Saturdays.