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I have been thinking about this question for some time.
About a year ago my birth Mother did something to me that made me completely cut her out of my life. It was literally outrageous and beyond my experience that someone could be that nasty and out of control.
My birth Mother had spoken with my adopted sister and said there was no point in apologizing because I wouldn't accept it.
Is that why we apologize?? To hear something back from the other person, to get some kind of satisfaction and acceptance from that person??
I have to say that is not why I apologize. For me there are times when I KNOW I have done wrong and I have to voice it to the person I have wronged. Of course its better and nicer if that person accepts my apology and we can mend the relationship but I don't apologize hoping to get something from it. If I have done wrong then I must acknowledge that fact FULL STOP.
It just seems if you are going to apologize to someone, you shouldn't have the nerve to EXPECT something back from the other person. What if what you have done is too terrible, why expect that from them.
I am now 42, when I was 21 I got married to a man 7 years my senior. Of course it didn't work out. Of course my immaturity placed all the blame on him. Now that I am older, I feel the need to acknowledge I was wrong, that I had unrealistic expectations, that no matter who it was, that person could not have made a relationship work with me. I feel the need to SAY this too him. Of course it would be wonderful for him to appreciate what I had to say, it would be the cherry on top of the apology however if I hear nothing back from him, it wasn't all for naught. Maybe its about Karma, but I feel like it needs to be said. I said some horrible things to him, for my own good conscience I feel like I need to point out that I was wrong.
Just for a bit of context, my religion does not dictate that I apologize. My conscience tells me its the right thing to do. I was raised in a family where there were never apologies to me. After my beloved Father doubled up his fists and hit me multiple times in the face, there was no apology only outrage that I ran away that night and stayed gone a couple days, which I did out of fear. There were many incidents along these lines, when I was either verbally abused or physically abused and never to this day have there been any apologies. Its like their memory of what happened was erased.
I can't be that way. I want to be a big enough person to acknowledge what I did wrong.
I think most people tend to apologise for the wrong reasons, rather than to accept full responsibility and instead focus on more selfish purposes like retaining a relationship or getting closure for example.
I do believe we should apologise as a way to make amends with someone, to heal the hurt and pain we might have caused and to accept "publicly " that we were at fault. We should really not expect anything in return. Apologies should be offered freely and without any hidden agendas.
Like you my Mother did something so terrible 2 years ago , even for the witch with a capital B that she is last year that I could never forgive her. Ever. Some things are not meant to be healed in my opinion.
I do find apologising very hard because my stupid pride gets in the way but I do often apologise when I feel I was wrong and might have hurt someone . That is what being grown up is about.
Very few people have ever apologised to me for anything and most have often resorted to those fake apologies where they actually made you feel bad about it which is quite an extraordinary talent !
I cut myself off completely with my Mother because there was no apologies on Earth which would ever heal the rift she had so neatly carved for the last 41 years. She could crawl on her belly, in tears and I would know it was an act. If she truly ever apologised to me, I would say "thank you- much appreciated but I still want you out of my life".
Apologies are important in life for both sides of an argument I feel. Anger and resentment can really simmer when we are used, manipulated or badly treated and the perpetrator does nothing to accept fault. It can eat you up and I appreciate people who are adult enough to take responsibility for their actions and own up to their mistakes. From the "apologee's" point of view I think it does help foster a feeling of release too and of doing the right thing. Guilt is not a pleasant feeling.
It has to be genuine though and I suspect most of us do know when someone means it or not. For some people apologising is just a way to keep the peace in a relationship and that is just plain wrong.
People make mistakes. They do and say the wrong things in a fit of pique, because they weren't feeling well, or were under a lot of stress. That, of course, does not make it right, but it happens even to the best of us.
When it does, a sincere apology is the way to reestablish trust. By acknowledging that you were wrong (Without caveats), it wipes the slate clean for the most part. It's also what mature adults do.
I have to agree that if you are apologizing then let it be because you are sorry and you want to the other person to know that you are sorry. But you shouldn't expect to be forgiven just because you apologized.
I don't mind apologizing. But I find that there are two types of apologies for me. The first, would be if I later on realized that I was in the wrong in my opinion. Secondly, if what I did upset or hurt someone, when that was not my intention. In the second case, I could still feel my opinion or action for me was right (at the time).
But I suppose, the only type of apology the other person would really want is the first kind. I don't have a problem admitting when I was in the wrong.
I do want to say that if the person that needs to be apologized to has an annoying attitude, it does make making that concession more difficult to do. So for anyone hoping for an apology from someone else, remember not to create a difficult situation for them to come back to you and apologize... lol
I do and do not agree with you. I agree that apologizing isn't just about being forgiven, it should be about genuine regret in your heart and acknowledgement to yourself that you did something wrong. But if you know the person won't accept your apology and won't forgive you, then I can kind of understand not bothering to express your regret to the person. Not apologizing because you know the person won't accept it doesn't mean that you don't feel sorry or regretful in your heart or that you don't acknowledge to yourself that you did something wrong, it just means you see no point in expressing all that to the other person because you know it won't accomplish anything.
In a way, thinking that the other person could never forgive you can actually be a sign that you DO acknowledge just how terrible of a thing you did. Only someone who recognizes how terrible they behaved can think "how could someone ever forgive me for something so terrible? It'll never happen, an apology isn't enough".
That said, I don't think anyone should just assume that the other person would never accept the apology and forgive. People can surprise you sometimes and for that reason, it is always worth a try.
I do and do not agree with you. I agree that apologizing isn't just about being forgiven, it should be about genuine regret in your heart and acknowledgement to yourself that you did something wrong. But if you know the person won't accept your apology and won't forgive you, then I can kind of understand not bothering to express your regret to the person. Not apologizing because you know the person won't accept it doesn't mean that you don't feel sorry or regretful in your heart or that you don't acknowledge to yourself that you did something wrong, it just means you see no point in expressing all that to the other person because you know it won't accomplish anything.
In a way, thinking that the other person could never forgive you can actually be a sign that you DO acknowledge just how terrible of a thing you did. Only someone who recognizes how terrible they behaved can think "how could someone ever forgive me for something so terrible? It'll never happen, an apology isn't enough".
That said, I don't think anyone should just assume that the other person would never accept the apology and forgive. People can surprise you sometimes and for that reason, it is always worth a try.
I have to agree with this. but then again it sounds like the person would only be apologizing because they want to be forgiven instead of because they are in fact sorry for their actions or whatever. So if you ARE in fact sorry I think that you should let the person know regardless of what you THINK the other person's reaction may be. All you can do is try!! If you don't make an attempt how will they know you are in fact sorry? How can you two move past this issue?? unless of course you don't want to.
I have been thinking about this question for some time.
About a year ago my birth Mother did something to me that made me completely cut her out of my life. It was literally outrageous and beyond my experience that someone could be that nasty and out of control.
My birth Mother had spoken with my adopted sister and said there was no point in apologizing because I wouldn't accept it.
Is that why we apologize?? To hear something back from the other person, to get some kind of satisfaction and acceptance from that person??
I have to say that is not why I apologize. For me there are times when I KNOW I have done wrong and I have to voice it to the person I have wronged. Of course its better and nicer if that person accepts my apology and we can mend the relationship but I don't apologize hoping to get something from it. If I have done wrong then I must acknowledge that fact FULL STOP.
It just seems if you are going to apologize to someone, you shouldn't have the nerve to EXPECT something back from the other person. What if what you have done is too terrible, why expect that from them.
I am now 42, when I was 21 I got married to a man 7 years my senior. Of course it didn't work out. Of course my immaturity placed all the blame on him. Now that I am older, I feel the need to acknowledge I was wrong, that I had unrealistic expectations, that no matter who it was, that person could not have made a relationship work with me. I feel the need to SAY this too him. Of course it would be wonderful for him to appreciate what I had to say, it would be the cherry on top of the apology however if I hear nothing back from him, it wasn't all for naught. Maybe its about Karma, but I feel like it needs to be said. I said some horrible things to him, for my own good conscience I feel like I need to point out that I was wrong.
Just for a bit of context, my religion does not dictate that I apologize. My conscience tells me its the right thing to do. I was raised in a family where there were never apologies to me. After my beloved Father doubled up his fists and hit me multiple times in the face, there was no apology only outrage that I ran away that night and stayed gone a couple days, which I did out of fear. There were many incidents along these lines, when I was either verbally abused or physically abused and never to this day have there been any apologies. Its like their memory of what happened was erased.
I can't be that way. I want to be a big enough person to acknowledge what I did wrong.
I'm a firm believer in following one's consciense. If you feel the need to apologize, then do so.
However, when I apologize, I do not want nor solicit a response. I make my apologies and go so it's understood there are no strings attached or other motives.
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