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I'll try to keep this looong story short. My husband and I have been married for 8 years (married young) and have had a very turbulent marriage. We have seperated several times - we were apart during the summers of 2005 and 2006. It was him that would say he "wasn't happy" and then he would leave.. Both times, he moved in with a friend in the same apartment complex as I was in. They were horrible summers - I would see him around with girls, who he said were just friends, of course. Both times, we decided to work things out and eventually got back together. After 2005, I was stupid and believed that he hadn't cheated.
After the 2006 seperation, he confessed that he had cheated, but just that summer. Later it came out that he had cheated both summers (duh!) - he told me when we were arguing one day, almost as if he wanted to hurt me. I decided to "forgive" him since it was so far in the past at that point, but I can't really forget it.
Since then, I found out I have HPV - I have only slept with him, so I know he picked it up from one of his nasty girls while we were seperated. I carry so much anger about that. I have severe hypochondria and the last thing I need is a health concern, one that he gave me because he was selfish.
We have been together now since 2006 and I know he hasn't cheated again since 2006, but I don't think I can get over this. Last year, we had a fight and he left for the weekend. I looked at the phone bill and saw that he had called a certain number a lot - I texted the number and it was a girl, who said she had met my husband at a bar and he had tried to "get with her," but she told him to stop calling her. She says nothing happened, and he confirms the story. So,I guess he almost cheated again...
When we are together he is the perfect husband, a great friend. He says he only got with the other girls because we were seperated and he thought we were heading for divorce. The thing is, papers hadn't even been filed and although we were living apart, he was still coming over regularly, saying he still loved me and crap...while he was with the others!!!
So, we are doing well now but all of this is sabotaging my feelings for him. I have NO sex drive at all and he is so upset and even said the other day that "it was sad that he got more action when we weren't together." UGH! I admit that I never want to sleep with him, but I think it is just because I don't have a sex drive, period. I always chalk it up to anxiety and stress.
So, I guess this wasn't so short! I just don't know what to do. We just moved back to L.A. and things are going well for us - I don't have any complaints other than I can't get over what happened, and can't help but think it could happen again someday ...we are only in our early 30s (no kids yet) and I can't really imagine that he will be faithful from now until we are 80...
I should also mention that I caught him perusing the "casual encounters" section on craigslist about a month ago - he said he was just "bored" and he would never meet or respond to anyone. I'm not sure I believe it!
Right now, he is being a great husband and says he really want to make this work. Do I throw away almost 9 years because of the past? He is unemployed now and I work from home, so we are together 24/7 so it is easy for me to trust him now, since I see him all the time. I also hate that I have turned into a posessive, almost controlling wife because of this...I am terrifed for him to go out with friends, even go to the gym alone. I am resentful of every girl that talks to my husband - I am scared that he sees a potential sex partner in everyone. Ahhhh, I think I am losing my mind over this. THoughts?
This seems to be a continuing ordeal for him. He should be on his knees thanking you, for being able to find it in your heart, to "forgive him' the first time around.
Its tough to do that though, when it keeps happening over and again.
He needs to take a good, hard look in the mirror at himself, and realize what he has got at home, instead of spending his energy on other women/girls. It sounds like he feels that he has got by with these shananigans in the past, so he can continue this pattern.
Maybe the two of you could try marriage counseling?
I'm where you are. I have a husband who cheated when we were separated too then came back. It's a tough spot to be in.
My advice is to run. He's demonstrated he can't be trusted. He's not going to change. If you stay, you will get more of the same.
Good luck.
spot on. Women think they can change a man, they can't. This guy likes going with multiple women (nothing wrong with that) but to go and vow monogamy to someone is entirely wrong. Get a divorce for your own sake.
Why guys get married and still insist on banging every chick on the block is beyond me. Probably all these retarded marriage fevered women constantly pushing it into oblivion is my guess. Marriage these days is so overrated. If they want to do that STAY SINGLE!!!!!
I'm sorry this has happened. It's very hurtful. But let's look at the facts;
He's cheated or has tried to several times. Clearly, you don't trust him. The relationship is on again / off again and that keeps repeating.
Do you have any reason to think that the behavior will change? Do you have any reason to feel that you can trust him never to cheat again? Do you have any reason to think the relationship will become more solid and will last forever?
Nothing that you posted seemed to indicate that there is or will be a huge change.
I've been in relationships like this. He may say he's sorry and that he loves you. It may be true .. at least it's true when he said it. But you can't expect different results from repeating the same behavior. You can't change someone else's behavior.
In my view your choice is simple - stay in this relationship and accept the cheating, lack of stability and distrust. Accept that this will be your life. Or leave the relationship forever. Either way it's going to be hard. Perhaps the most difficult thing you will ever do. Again, you can't control his behavior but you don't have to accept it ... unless you choose to.
Take care of yourself!
So he's cheated on you several times, you've got evidence from a girl he met in a bar, he's been perusing the CL personals and he passed on an STD to you...and you're question is, can you trust him?
Read your entire post out loud, as though someone esle wrote it, and then pretend as though you are offering advice to that person. Everyone knows what is best for themselves, and they should not compromise that for anyone. You know the answer to this question, but your fear and insecurity is paralyzing you. You need to end this toxic relationship and find someone who will respect you.
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