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Old 04-08-2009, 02:51 PM
 
18 posts, read 61,800 times
Reputation: 17

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Hi Folks,

This forum always seems full of good advice, so I thought I would see what you all thought. Here's the situation in a nutshell:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and he moved to Louisville about a year ago for a job offer that he felt he had to take at the time (he was probably right). In the meantime, I stayed in Chicago.

The past year has been difficult for him. He hasn't really made any friends down there, and he comes up here to visit a lot. He puts in lots of effort to make sure that the relationship works. Unfortunately, he is really depressed right now. I think it's a combination of circumstance and chemical depression. He is treating the problem with medication and therapy, which is great.

He's going to be offered a position with his company in Miami tomorrow, and I am concerned that he sees moving to Miami as a fix to his problems. I have serious reservations about moving down there when the economy is so bad, but primarily I am concerned about not having a support system down there. I am afraid it would be very bad for our relationship.

I think our relationship would be much better if he moved back to Chicago, a city he and I both love, where we have friends and things to do that we enjoy. The problem is that he thinks I am unwilling to do anything to take the relationship to the next level. His attitude is that I am willing to move forward with him but only if he moves back to Chicago. My contention is that I am willing to move forward, but I want us to be in a situation that is sure to be good for us. Clearly, the last move he made didn't work out all that well.

Do you think it's possible that his depression is interfering with his ability to think clearly about this decision? Am I wrong when I tell him that his unhappiness would follow him from Louisville to Miami?

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.
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Old 04-08-2009, 02:59 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 3,349,547 times
Reputation: 585
"Do you think it's possible that his depression is interfering with his ability to think clearly about this decision?"

Um yes!!!!!!!!! OK Ive been sorta in your shoes....what I can tell you is this he needs to handle himself and do what ever he needs to do to be well. If he is in therapy than his therapist most likely talking to him about this. And if he moves then he feels like he is doing what is best for him. All you can do is support him and hope for the best. If this all becomes too much then you guys need to take a break until you can come together and sort things out. Long distance relationships are hard and can be a pain at times but hopefully you guys are working it out for you to be together soon. But dont move to Miami for him you have to want to live there as well after all this is your life as well as his and if you both are not happy neither of you will be. Good luck!!
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:00 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,697,515 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giddified View Post
Hi Folks,

This forum always seems full of good advice, so I thought I would see what you all thought. Here's the situation in a nutshell:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and he moved to Louisville about a year ago for a job offer that he felt he had to take at the time (he was probably right). In the meantime, I stayed in Chicago.

The past year has been difficult for him. He hasn't really made any friends down there, and he comes up here to visit a lot. He puts in lots of effort to make sure that the relationship works. Unfortunately, he is really depressed right now. I think it's a combination of circumstance and chemical depression. He is treating the problem with medication and therapy, which is great.

He's going to be offered a position with his company in Miami tomorrow, and I am concerned that he sees moving to Miami as a fix to his problems. I have serious reservations about moving down there when the economy is so bad, but primarily I am concerned about not having a support system down there. I am afraid it would be very bad for our relationship.

I think our relationship would be much better if he moved back to Chicago, a city he and I both love, where we have friends and things to do that we enjoy. The problem is that he thinks I am unwilling to do anything to take the relationship to the next level. His attitude is that I am willing to move forward with him but only if he moves back to Chicago. My contention is that I am willing to move forward, but I want us to be in a situation that is sure to be good for us. Clearly, the last move he made didn't work out all that well.

Do you think it's possible that his depression is interfering with his ability to think clearly about this decision? Am I wrong when I tell him that his unhappiness would follow him from Louisville to Miami?

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.
Your statement is very reasonable -- why move if your job prospect gets worse? Sure, we all do everything "in the name of love", but let's be realistic here -- we're not living in a fantasy world, so we must do whatever it takes to survive in reality. In this economy, it's not a good move to risk a job that you currently have just to live under the same roof as he does.

I had the same contention when my future husband was offered a job in another area, where his tribe is headquartered. Trust me, I've been to that area 5 times already to see his relatives and for certain tribal events, and I've come to conclusion that it would NOT be a good move for the BOTH of us - we'd be losing our close contact w/ good friends, and also both sides of our families are here, not over there. After further research on his part, he then realized the same.

Also, another reason for me, but you may or may not share this: I would never move for any guy unless he puts that ring on my finger. If a guy wants me to step up to the plate and commit to him by moving w/ him, then he should do the same and give me his last name. But that's just my personal opinion.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:02 PM
 
943 posts, read 2,274,328 times
Reputation: 526
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giddified View Post
Hi Folks,

This forum always seems full of good advice, so I thought I would see what you all thought. Here's the situation in a nutshell:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and he moved to Louisville about a year ago for a job offer that he felt he had to take at the time (he was probably right). In the meantime, I stayed in Chicago.

The past year has been difficult for him. He hasn't really made any friends down there, and he comes up here to visit a lot. He puts in lots of effort to make sure that the relationship works. Unfortunately, he is really depressed right now. I think it's a combination of circumstance and chemical depression. He is treating the problem with medication and therapy, which is great.

He's going to be offered a position with his company in Miami tomorrow, and I am concerned that he sees moving to Miami as a fix to his problems. I have serious reservations about moving down there when the economy is so bad, but primarily I am concerned about not having a support system down there. I am afraid it would be very bad for our relationship.

I think our relationship would be much better if he moved back to Chicago, a city he and I both love, where we have friends and things to do that we enjoy. The problem is that he thinks I am unwilling to do anything to take the relationship to the next level. His attitude is that I am willing to move forward with him but only if he moves back to Chicago. My contention is that I am willing to move forward, but I want us to be in a situation that is sure to be good for us. Clearly, the last move he made didn't work out all that well.

Do you think it's possible that his depression is interfering with his ability to think clearly about this decision? Am I wrong when I tell him that his unhappiness would follow him from Louisville to Miami?

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.
Be careful you do not sacrifice too much of your life for this relationship...

What if you move down there giving up friends and family and you end up breaking up?

It seems your relationship has already been long distance for an entire year and now he wants to move further away, to be honest I'd let him move on.

He may be doing the GEOGRAPHICAL cure, thinking place will fix everything,course some things are different but if he is depressed, he really probably is running away from himself.

I dont think this is a good situation for you to give up everything and move with him from what you have told us here.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:05 PM
 
18 posts, read 61,800 times
Reputation: 17
How common is this geographical cure? If I had to guess, I'd say it rarely works out. Do people think like this often?
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:12 PM
 
943 posts, read 2,274,328 times
Reputation: 526
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giddified View Post
How common is this geographical cure? If I had to guess, I'd say it rarely works out. Do people think like this often?
VERY COMMON.

I have a taint of it myself even {have moved way too much} though I am the kind personalitywise to stay put.

He is running from himself, but then he should be taking secure employment or more secure employment into consideration in this economy. I do think you should examine this relationship, since he is MOVING FURTHER away from you and what you could be giving up if you moved with him. Long distance relationships have their limits.

I am kind of warning you here, because I have friends or people I met online who MOVED giving up job, family, friends to move in with a guy LONG DISTANCE and it TURNED OUT BADLY especially as they were left with nothing after the realationship imploded!
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:13 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 3,349,547 times
Reputation: 585
People who arent happy with their lives or who are depressed often think that being in a different place will make there life better. When in reality it only changes their location not their life. I agree wit hthe other poster and let him go on with his life to find himself or whatever it is he is trying to do..Its not much you can do for him thousands of miles away.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:15 PM
 
3,852 posts, read 12,838,171 times
Reputation: 2529
well if he got a job offer in miami way to go for him. Real estate down there is plummeting fast so it is rather cheap to live there. He is going to move and there is not much you can do about it.

Chicago to louisville is about 300 miles so about a 4-5 hour drive. Chicago to Miami is 1,400 miles or about a 21 hour drive. If he moves to Miami chances are you'll never see him again.

Personally I think the relationship is on the way out. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls the, "we are better off as friends" thing.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:23 PM
 
18 posts, read 61,800 times
Reputation: 17
Well, I don't think he'll just do that. We've been together a long time and he has told me repeatedly that I am the love of his life and he wants to marry me. The only reason I don't have a ring is that the economy has affected his company's revenue and he hasn't gotten a bonus in several months. I think this is another factor that contributes to his depression.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:29 PM
 
25,157 posts, read 53,835,585 times
Reputation: 7058
Have you ever stopped to think "what would Jesus do" in this situation?
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