Building a house: detriment to dating/relationship? (girlfriend, women, love)

[Nepenthe]

I broke up with my girlfriend of three years a few months ago. I'm getting out there a little, joining a few clubs and activities, going on a few dates here and there (online dating mostly so far).

I'm 34 and live in an apartment, which means I've been reasonably mobile and not tied down. But I'm very close to starting to build a new house. So my question is about how building a house and being single and dating go together. Do you think this can be a detriment? What's the consensus?

Examples: As a new homeowner, I probably wouldn't be looking to relocate any time soon. So if something progressed to the point of wanting to live together, she'd have to move in with me (unless we BOTH have houses, in which case there'll be trouble). And even if that were okay, if it progresses to, say, marriage, it seems choosing a house together is a rite of passage for a couple. If it's my house then 100% of the decisions were mine, which doesn't seem fair to her.

Of course, if it's getting to that point I'd probably be fine taking the financial hit and getting out of the house (also having to repay the $8000) so we could get one together (or remodeling the heck out of this one) -- but my question is really about the early dating situation and how this is perceived by potential mates. Is this a deal-breaker?

Back in the old days owning a house was probably a sign of stability and responsibility (aka a "plus") but we all know that's not true anymore.

Thanks for any opinions!

[DFWgal]

What about renting your house if you and your partner would want to live somewhere else? Or if the other person has a house and you too, choose one to live and another one to rent?

Or if you really think it's going to become such a problem, maybe the apartment is right for you.

Bottom line, IMHO if two people really want a relationship, they'll find a way to solve issues like this one anyway. Good luck

[luv_it_here]

Nepenthe - your profile doesn't say how old you are - but I would definitely say that a man who owns his own home is still a plus, especially if you are looking into a home that you can actually afford, and not getting ready to join the millions of others who are waiting at the footsteps of foreclosure.

Plenty of DINKS meet each other, fall in love, and then go through the process of figuring out whose house to sell based on which is most convenient to both jobs, which is better for kids if they choose to have them, which is most affordable, etc.

I'd say that as an adult, people expect you to have a house, and to have outgrown the apartment phase. I'm in an apartment myself right now, but that is definitely a negative, not a positive. Unfortunately, my house is not in the same state as my job, so it'll take me another year or so to come up with a decent down payment for a 2nd home.

Go for the house, enjoy it, and don't worry about how it will affect a relationship - it's way too early for that.

[Nepenthe]

Originally Posted by DFWgal

What about renting your house if you and your partner would want to live somewhere else? Or if the other person has a house and you too, choose one to live and another one to rent?

Or if you really think it's going to become such a problem, maybe the apartment is right for you.

Bottom line, IMHO if two people really want a relationship, they'll find a way to solve issues like this one anyway. Good luck

Renting it out is one possibility I suppose. Thanks!

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by luv_it_here

Go for the house, enjoy it, and don't worry about how it will affect a relationship - it's way too early for that.

I second that! I was going to say that you are putting the cart waaaay before the horse.

[Nepenthe]

Originally Posted by luv_it_here

Nepenthe - your profile doesn't say how old you are - but I would definitely say that a man who owns his own home is still a plus, especially if you are looking into a home that you can actually afford, and not getting ready to join the millions of others who are waiting at the footsteps of foreclosure.

Plenty of DINKS meet each other, fall in love, and then go through the process of figuring out whose house to sell based on which is most convenient to both jobs, which is better for kids if they choose to have them, which is most affordable, etc.

I'd say that as an adult, people expect you to have a house, and to have outgrown the apartment phase. I'm in an apartment myself right now, but that is definitely a negative, not a positive. Unfortunately, my house is not in the same state as my job, so it'll take me another year or so to come up with a decent down payment for a 2nd home.

Go for the house, enjoy it, and don't worry about how it will affect a relationship - it's way too early for that.

Thanks! I'm 34 years old -- wish I were 24, but I can easily pass for 27 or even younger so it's okay (actually the calendar age is a detriment already even though I identify more with mid to late 20s).

Definitely looking to buy a house I can afford, the loan will be less than twice my annual income and I've got a good amount saved. I've researched the dickens out of the area, land, homebuilder, floorplans, options, mortgages. Financially I'm definitely not going to be "house poor" provided catastrophe doesn't strike.

It's reassuring to hear we wouldn't be alone in the whole house selling/moving decision.

The apartment isn't bad. I mean, I've never been embarrassed by it and I keep it immaculate and nicely furnished. But the house will have some nice advantages for sure.

I guess one of the issues on my mind is WHERE I'm building the house. It's a great area, but it's in more of a family-oriented location. The single people tend to be in Denton, Arlington, Grapevine, and Fort Worth (not to mention Dallas). I had actually thought about moving into an apartment further from work but closer to the single people, but the house situation has a lot of things going for it and is the right thing to do for several reasons.

[NotARedneck]

Originally Posted by Nepenthe

I'm 34 and live in an apartment, which means I've been reasonably mobile and not tied down. But I'm very close to starting to build a new house. So my question is about how building a house and being single and dating go together. Do you think this can be a detriment? What's the consensus?

Women seldom like the type of house that a single man builds or buys for himself. It will be too small, too practical and the kitchen will never please her.

This is actually quite funny since most of the women I've known "couldn't stand" my kitchen. Funny because I like to cook and have fed over 20 people, at times, out of its cramped quarters. The women......well most of them are the type who would much prefer to always eat in restaurants. Failing this, they'd cater. They need lots of counter space for the caterer to drop things off.

So my advice: find a woman who wants to build a life together and make your first project, a house.

[nuala]

Agree that any house you built will be small, maybe not right away, but eventually. You don't know how many kids you will have. Even if two, a boy and a girl, they will require separate bedrooms. If you have 4 kids, boys can live in one room and girls in another, but what happens when they hit teenage years?

The point is, you can't prepare right now for all possible future configurations of your life... And for now, it would be wasteful to be building a large house just for yourself.

Actually when I see the word "building", my first thought is of actually investing your own sweat, building slowly as you have the materials, the way they did it long ago... maybe because that's what we see in our rural area. Those types of homes can be "grown" at a later time as needed later (additions added). If you want to grow your house to your needs and can buy land in a semi-rural area (with less building restrictions) this could be an opportunity.

[allforcats]

You do like to drive yourself crazy, don't you?

Whose life are you living???

When we live our lives to satisfy what we think others think, we become shells, non-persons, and become slaves.

When we live our lives to satisfy what others say they want us to be, we surrender everything and become slaves.

When we live our lives to satisfy others whom we don't even know, and so we're attempting to satify something we don't have the slightest clue about, we chase mirages and become slaves.


"Detriment"?
"Trouble"?
"Fair"?
"Hit"?
"Deal breaker"?

Have you read your questions? Do you see how your questions express an assumption of, an expectation of: trouble, not being understood, not being enjoyed for who you are, not being loved, not being appreciated, not being agreed with, having to give up what you enjoy, having to become something you're not??

1. Why would you look for such a woman?
2. Why would you hitch your life journey to such a woman?
3. Why don't you expect joy, love, appreciation, agreement?

Life rule: YOU GET WHAT YOU EXPECT.
Repeat after me: I GET WHAT I EXPECT..
Don't edit your soul. You don't have to pay that price for happiness. In fact, if you do edit your soul in any relationship, you will never know happiness in that relationship.

So if you want joy, love, appreciation and agreement, you will go fotth expecting to meet a woman of joy, love, appreciateion and agreement. I get what I expect.

You are currently in a period of great freedom in your life, freedom to choose wisely and shape wisely the who you really want to be.

That great freedom can give you great joy in self-fulfillment, if that is the fabulous, enhancing choice you make for your current life.

If you live your own life according to fulfilling your own desires and enhancing your joy and delight, you will fulfill your desires, increase your joy, feel great about yourself and your life, and attract women who similarly feel great about themselves and their lives. You will attract joy, love, appreciation and agreement... Fancy that... And you, living in the vibration of joy, love, appreciation and agreement, will have all that to give. Wow! Go forth and grin!

[wanneroo]

I'm trying to get my house and land organized and when I do to me it will be a boon for my dating women. No more family or roommates to deal with or work around. Just me and my pad.

One thing I tried to do and failed in my 20's was to try to anticipate too many things down the road, especially in regards to relationships. What a waste. Now I live my life and enjoy it and if at some point you change course then so be it.

All I know is I need my own mancave and for the first time in my life I wont have to make concessions towards anyone else. I can bang nails in the wall and hang up whatever the hell I want. I can have whatever furniture I want. And if the women don't like my kitchen design and want to have a huff over it don't let the door hit you in the butt.

So maybe in 3-5 years I may even be living in another country. Who knows, but until then I have to do what I do and if things change I'll rent it out or sell it.