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My youngest son is like this in every aspect of his life. I have told him he makes his own bad luck more than anybody I have ever seen. He makes the worst choices and decisions than anybody I have ever seen then calls crying when it blows up in his face! One day he is ready to end his life because the love of his life has dumped him, the next day is is madly in love with someone else. The drama in his life gets to be to much for me because he only calls me where there is another disaster in his life..."POOR ME! LOOK what has happened NOW!"
Is there a clinical name for the phenomenon where a person sabotages their own relationships, either on purpose or without realizing it? I'm not talking about the person who just loses interest and starts neglecting the relationship. I mean the person who, perhaps cause they're afraid of getting too close, does or says something to push the other person away. They then walk away from the relationship feeling like they did nothing wrong and that it was the other person's fault. I have a friend who I suspect is like this. She claims to have had nothing but bad luck in her relationships. Whenever someone makes this claim, I always think to myself that maybe the problem is them. After all, if you have a series of bad relationships, what's the common element? It's you. In my friend's case, I know the history pretty well. There's a very clear pattern of behavior where she's said or done something to push her partners away. But rarely will she say it was her fault. Instead, she'll pin the blame on them.
How do you deal with such a person? How do you even convince them that they're the ones sabotaging their own relationships? And what do you think this says about the person? Does it stem from a troubled relationship with a parent, is it fear of losing independence, where does it come from?
Sometimes bad stuff happens to good people...and for many different reasons, isn't always b/c they are deficient...
as to those who sabatoges relationship...again, it is surely not one reason, but many...people don't do things for ONE Reason. So it could involve all of your suggestions....
well, i don't blame her for being in the closet per se about being commitmentphobic. We live in a society where we are heavily marriage and family oriented. So a female saying she doesn't want to get married or have kids isn't as socially acceptable as we would like to have. You get labeled as being selfish with no foundations or morals in your life.
I know i sure as hell don't go telling people i don't want to get married or have kids. For those exact reasons. Not to mention everyone treats you like a dumb ass if you say it, "oh, you just don't know what you want in life." "once you get older, you'll want kids etc." on and on and on. So much easier to lie about it lol (or preferably, not talk about it).
You friend is unaware she is subconsciously self sabotaging her relationships. There is a good chance that she has been through some issues in her childhood or early relationships. In which she possibly experienced a traumatic loss or was hurt or rejected. With time and exp. she will recognize that she is the problem. Many times we blame the other person and conjure up reasons why they are not suitable for us. Really what happens is subconsciously we are sabotaging the relationship. It's almost to painful for us to see that we are the problem. So it is hidden deep with in ...only with the realization of wanting to become healthy we began to uncover the underlying issues and began to heal.
You friend is unaware she is subconsciously self sabotaging her relationships. There is a good chance that she has been through some issues in her childhood or early relationships. In which she possibly experienced a traumatic loss or was hurt or rejected. With time and exp. she will recognize that she is the problem. Many times we blame the other person and conjure up reasons why they are not suitable for us. Really what happens is subconsciously we are sabotaging the relationship. It's almost to painful for us to see that we are the problem. So it is hidden deep with in ...only with the realization of wanting to become healthy we began to uncover the underlying issues and began to heal.
It's very difficult to take an honest look at oneself and admit that you're even partially at fault. It's a lot easier to point the finger at everyone else. That's certainly true with failed relationships. I know that when I look at my past relationships, I'm more likely to say it was the other person's fault. As I've gotten older and as the relationship fell farther into the past, I've found it easier to own up to my mistakes. But when it's fresh in your mind, that's a lot harder to do.
i will agree with the OP- if someone says they have bad luck in relationships there is one common denominator, and that's the person saying it. that isn't saying, however, that the person is the problem- its just that often people have blind spots about people they are in love with, or something that they consider normal behavior because of their dysfunctional upbringing is actually abusive yet they do notice until they are already mired in it. generally my girlfriends who say they have bad luck in relationships have this problem- the blind spot.
i have also found that many men don't like a woman who is too independent- who can change their own tires and such. i have had otherwise lovely men friends who find that alienating about me, because their attitude is "what does she need me for?" men may have that unconsciously in the back of their minds and then it becomes a problem later on- leading the woman to muse that she has bad luck in relationships.
i have also found that many men don't like a woman who is too independent- who can change their own tires and such. i have had otherwise lovely men friends who find that alienating about me, because their attitude is "what does she need me for?" men may have that unconsciously in the back of their minds and then it becomes a problem later on- leading the woman to muse that she has bad luck in relationships.
If a woman meets such a man and then concludes she has bad luck, she's guilty of drawing the wrong conclusion. People need to accept responsibility for picking the wrong partners, not dismissing it as just bad luck. In this case, if you pick a man who thinks you're too independent because you can change a tire on your own, then that should be a red flag that this man isn't right for you. Going forward, you should apply that lesson and tell yourself that the next guy you get involved with should not feel threatened by your independence. I personally would not want to be with someone because they "needed" me. I'd rather they were with me simply because they wanted to be.
While it's great to be independent, I think some people take it too far to the point where they're actually afraid of feeling dependent on anyone. And so they go out of their way to assert that independence and react negatively to anyone trying to help them. But healthy relationships require occasionally letting your partner be there for you. Doing so doesn't make you weak, but unfortunately, that's exactly how some people interpret it.
Is there a clinical name for the phenomenon where a person sabotages their own relationships, either on purpose or without realizing it? I'm not talking about the person who just loses interest and starts neglecting the relationship. I mean the person who, perhaps cause they're afraid of getting too close, does or says something to push the other person away. They then walk away from the relationship feeling like they did nothing wrong and that it was the other person's fault. I have a friend who I suspect is like this. She claims to have had nothing but bad luck in her relationships. Whenever someone makes this claim, I always think to myself that maybe the problem is them. After all, if you have a series of bad relationships, what's the common element? It's you. In my friend's case, I know the history pretty well. There's a very clear pattern of behavior where she's said or done something to push her partners away. But rarely will she say it was her fault. Instead, she'll pin the blame on them.
How do you deal with such a person? How do you even convince them that they're the ones sabotaging their own relationships? And what do you think this says about the person? Does it stem from a troubled relationship with a parent, is it fear of losing independence, where does it come from?
Sounds more like someone who has very low self esteem. People who think little of themselves tend to attract losers and abusers like magnets.
Sounds more like someone who has very low self esteem. People who think little of themselves tend to attract losers and abusers like magnets.
Low self-esteem is one potential explanation, but I also think there could be other issues at work. Fear of loss of independence could be part of the problem. When you're single and on your own, it feels great. But when you're in a relationship, you could start to feel suffocated even if the other person is giving you plenty of space. Or the pressure to keep the relationship going starts to get to you so you derail the train rather than wait for it to crash. And maybe part of why someone ends up with losers and jerks is because precisely because they know it won't work out. The relationship can fall apart and they've got a built-in excuse for why.
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Self professed Committment Phobic
