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If you're worried about paying as in money, make sure she's a career type that isn't just looking for a supplement to her child support or welfare check. As far as the "you're not my daddy", just accept that you're going to hear that and know how you'll handle it.
Imagine when that kid becomes a teenager and wants a car just like his friends and asks you to buy her/him one. That's when "You are not my kid" can be useful .
Imagine when that kid becomes a teenager and wants a car just like his friends and asks you to buy her/him one. That's when "You are not my kid" can be useful .
Ha. You beat me to it.
Make that face like the kid does, and whine "But I'm not your REAL Dad!"
Buying a kid a car as a gift is, in my experience, always a mistake. Best way is have the kid save up at least most of the money, working. I saved up for my 1973 Kawasaki 350 triple, (that's a motorcycle if you don't recognize it) worked with my Dad's construction company, digging ditches in the Atlanta summer heat. Know what? I still have that bike, and ride it occasionally.
Boys in particular will wreck a gift car, acting an ass as they tend to do. To Hell with their little buddies who whined till Dad caved and bought them a car. You want a car? - Then get a job!
Or, make a father-son project out of a car with good "bones" but needs some work. Maybe needs brakes, most will need a tune-up anyway. Get the car when the kid is about 14, work on it together. Well, this assumes that there is a Dad figure in the picture, perhaps even the kid's real Dad - they don't all leave - but a step-Dad can do this too. It also assumes that dear old Dad has some mechanical ability. Or in today's world, you could do this with a daughter as well, although most girls are not as eager to get all greasy working on an old car. But, some of them will, and even the prissy ones can at least hand tools, push brake pedals, stuff like that.
Thanks WildOnions. But what about the large age gap?
Coming from being in the exact opposite position, a 40 year old single guy, I don't know how much I'd have in common with someone that is 20 years older (or even worse, 20 years younger). Plus, and I'm just shooting straight here, I'd be very worried about being single again upon your potential passing away when I was in my late '50s or '60s myself and also potentially needing to be your caregiver in your declining years. So, if I were to put myself in your shoes, I'd be pretty insecure all the time thinking she's thinking exactly what I am and always considering an exit from the relationship. Not saying you would be insecure, but it would bug me a lot.
Also, and I'm really not trying to be mean here, I'd be really self conscious about people thinking I was her Dad and the kid is my grandchild. That's the math I'd run if I saw you in out at a restaurant or something. It would just make it incredibly uncomfortable for me.
BUT... I'm not you. Those are just the feelings I would have in that situation.
if you're "dating," you should make it clear that you're dating the woman- not her kids.
not only is there no reason for the kids to be included in casual dating, it's a bad idea.
if you're in the "relationship" stage, the same is still true-- you're building a relationship with her.
if it gets to the point that you decide you want permanency with the person, & that decision is mutual, it's a good idea for you & her both to discuss and agree on what "role" you will have in the family. it's better yet to make this decision before you even meet the kids.
This is a great answer. I'll add: if she wants to include her kids in the early stages of dating beware. That's not appropriate.
You might as well understand right off the bat that if you date/marry a woman with kids you will NEVER be a priority in her life. Everything will be children first and you second, or LAST even. Many men cannot handle this truth and it causes constant problems.
I would not recommend it.
20yrsinBranson
And if you are her priority, that's really bad too because her #1 priority SHOULD be her kids.
The situations that has the greatest chances of success IMO is if both parties are single parents. Still though, I seen this situation turn out poorly more often than not. its a good idea to find out the exact status of the father, also understanding that situation can change. Many men don't take kindly to someone moving in on his ex and messing with his kids, regardless of lack of contact or poor relationship with them. Many of them may be paying child support, and further disgruntled. Many might be druggies, criminals, or other low lifes.
The woman herself might be a basketcase, and mainly looking for handouts from you to support herself and the kids. Best case scenario is that she legitimately wants a relationship, while supporting the kids herself, with the ex completely out of the picture. Chances of that being the case is probably pretty slim. Unless she's a widow, she was already in a bad situation, possibly made some pretty poor choices that led to her current circumstances. Can she turn a new leaf? Maybe.
This is so important. I hate when I see girls bring guys around their kids after 2 or 3 casual dates. A lot of women have that whole "date me, date my kids" mindset and I think that's probably one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. You wait months to introduce them to mom but you introduce them to the kids after drinks and a movie?
It is potentially DANGEROUS for the kids as well, since she doesn't really know who she's bringing into her house and her life. Bringing a rando possible child molester tinder date into the house with your kids isn't the smartest move. At least in my opinion.
Imagine when that kid becomes a teenager and wants a car just like his friends and asks you to buy her/him one. That's when "You are not my kid" can be useful .
That's not really the case. If you marry this girl she can just buy her kid a car and you end up paying for it. I have seen it as fact.
That is one of the issues of taking up with a girl/woman with kids. You end up paying for her kids and her grandkids. You really want to see money blow out, just wait for the grandkids. And they don't want to move out of the area. They want to be near the grandkids. You want to move out west or down south, forget it. I have seen it as fact.
I dated a really nice girl a number of years back. She has a very intelligent daughter who lives in DC. When the holidays came around she would leave me and visit her daughter and husband. I understand and respect that. But she would come back happy and relaxed but I would just feel empty after spending the days alone. I did not want to continue like this and I broke up with her.
There are plenty of single girls/women out there without kids. I know it as a fact.
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