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Hello everyone,
I think some of you have had a situation similar to what I'm going to write. I would like your sincere honesty and I appreciate your time. Thanks in advance.
I am a college senior in a reputable university and going on to dental school.
I have a dilemma that I've been contemplating throughout the night, and sometimes I lose sleep due to the issue. I want to ask my "future-fiance" to marry me, however there will be a negative package that is included to this possible marriage. If I ask her to marry me, she would have to deal with my family, who do not support me psychologically nor financially, however they are family and thus I try to maintain connections with them as a good son and brother, even though they do not give the same love as I give them. My family stresses me out, they come from a lower socioeconomic class and talk about the hardships they're dealing with, mostly financial complaints. This stresses me out because I don't like hearing complaints especially about money. I have a full-ride scholarships due to my merits and I don't ask my parents for anything. So, I normally don't have to deal with financial problems. My girlfriend comes from a upper-middle class and she is new to this situation. She doesn't like the idea that my parents call me to complaint about their finances, as if I were capable to change their financial problems. To be honest, I don't think I will be helping them for a very long time, dental school tuition is very expensive and most students take out loans which need to be payed back after graduating.
I don't want my girlfriend to deal with my parent's problems, because she has her own problems to deal with in her life. Also, she isn't fond on the idea that my parents (specifically my mother) rant about that they have helped so much, when really they haven't all.
I remember learning in a philosophy class, that when a couple to decide to have a baby, they need to take into consideration that they will have to financially and psychologically support that baby for 21 years or until they are capable to be financially stable, if they don't then the have failed to provide adequate opportunities for the child to live freely and thus it is immoral. (I do strongly agree on this idea)
Since my parents do not financially help me, my girlfriend has helped me financially within the areas that scholarships can not pay for, e.g. DAT exam, dental applications, groceries. Furthermore, I do have a job, however the check doesn't suffice for groceries and paying the apartment utilities.
We've been together for 3 years, and lived them wonderfully. Her parents love me! They have told me that I'm the son they never had, my girlfriend is the only child. My parents approve of my girlfriend.
I want to take the next big step, but I'm hesitant and I need your input here. I think my issue is the socioeconomical status, her family go out to cruise ship vacations or vacations in general (my parents do not), different personalities (care more about the child, financial expenses is the least on the list unlike my parents) and attitudes (my parents are uptight people and dislike sarcasm and irony, unlike her parents who love sarcasm and irony and utilize it as jokes). I want these families to intermingle, however it seems that it is too much to ask. Furthermore, my gf future fiance wants me to live far away from my family, where our future children do not pick up bad habits or attitudes that my family contains.
I think your obvious concerns are valid and my suggestion is to hold off for now and concentrate on achieving your educational goals and establishing yourself professionally before getting married. If your relationship is strong it'll make it through a few more years as is. Marriage itself is difficult enough and until you can support yourself, a wife and a family without stressing over other family issues, I'd keep the status quo. Good luck!
I do think you need to relax here a little and only worry about what makes you and your girlfriend happy. It is time for you to live YOUR life and if you are contemplating marrying this girl, then she is priority now. I had the exact same situation with my son, only I have handled it much different than your parents. My son was raised by just me...his Dad was in Maine and could have cared less. I had to work extremely hard to put him through grade 7 through High School and then college. No help from his Dad at all. I always worked, and at time worked two jobs when he was in college. He didn't do well away from home at college and did finally end up working a full time job and going to school part time nights and did get his degree. His gf at that time, who is now his wife, came from a home with money...both parents...beautiful home...no worries. We were so totally opposite as families go. My son was obviously going to marry this girl, so we had several talks about how he was marrying someone who came from comfort, privilige, etc. and I was the single Mom figure here who had busted her butt to make sure he had what he needed.
So, do I socialize with this family now...not really. I adore my daughter in law although at times she crosses the line of what is appropriate to say and not say....I have no issues telling her to back off. Her Mom is ok but does think more of herself than she really is as she does tend to tip the jug too much...her Dad is great...kind of an intellect type but very interesting to talk to. We simply don't socialize.
Bottom line, her parents did tell my son that they don't kinow what they would have done with his wife had he not come into her life and how wonderful they think he is....I was happy about that because truth be told...their relationship has nothing to do with me or my present husband it is all about them as it should be with you and your girlfriend.
Carry on with your plans and don't worry about what your family thinks. Your friends you get to pick and choose, your family you are stuck with so, just learn to be a little more tolerant of both families and start your life the way you want to....good luck.
It really sounds like you need to start putting some distance between you and your parents.
It will be hard but you have to quit giving your parents permission to make you feel bad. Tell them that you understand that they are under a strain but since there's nothing YOU can do about it, you'd rather talk about something else.
If they insist on continuing the conversation then you have to say I'll talk to you later when we can change the subject.
Never ever indicate to them that you will help them out financially when you get on your feet.
Sounds harsh? Sure! But as you get older you have your own life to live. And until you get away from their emotional baggage you'll never be free.
Instead of being happy that you have a better future, they seem to resent it or at least want to take advantage of it. We ALL have the same chances in our lives to live a better life than our parents.. That is called PROGRESS! I did better than my own parents and my kids have done better than me and I am proud of how well they have done. They know I had to struggle to get by as they grew up.. there was no need for me to tell them. I wonder WHY the feel they need to tell you?
I think the best way to shut them up is to tell them what a rough time YOU are having making ends meet, what all you have to pay etc and let them know that EVERYBODY has financial problems.. "Yea, I know Mom, my light bill is due and I don't have the money to pay it, things are so tight for me too.. Then I have all this money I have to pay back and that is going to take YEARS!"..
I would suggest that once you are done with school, to MOVE far AWAY from them and keep contact at a minimum. They sound toxic to me.
I see no need for the two families to even have contact other than at the wedding. One of my son's in-laws we never associated with, we were just in different circles.
DON'T buy into their guilt tripping you, their life was THEIR choice, your life is yours!
Hello everyone,
I think some of you have had a situation similar to what I'm going to write. I would like your sincere honesty and I appreciate your time. Thanks in advance.
I am a college senior in a reputable university and going on to dental school.
I have a dilemma that I've been contemplating throughout the night, and sometimes I lose sleep due to the issue. I want to ask my "future-fiance" to marry me, however there will be a negative package that is included to this possible marriage. If I ask her to marry me, she would have to deal with my family, who do not support me psychologically nor financially, however they are family and thus I try to maintain connections with them as a good son and brother, even though they do not give the same love as I give them. My family stresses me out, they come from a lower socioeconomic class and talk about the hardships they're dealing with, mostly financial complaints. This stresses me out because I don't like hearing complaints especially about money. I have a full-ride scholarships due to my merits and I don't ask my parents for anything. So, I normally don't have to deal with financial problems. My girlfriend comes from a upper-middle class and she is new to this situation. She doesn't like the idea that my parents call me to complaint about their finances, as if I were capable to change their financial problems. To be honest, I don't think I will be helping them for a very long time, dental school tuition is very expensive and most students take out loans which need to be payed back after graduating.
I don't want my girlfriend to deal with my parent's problems, because she has her own problems to deal with in her life. Also, she isn't fond on the idea that my parents (specifically my mother) rant about that they have helped so much, when really they haven't all.
I remember learning in a philosophy class, that when a couple to decide to have a baby, they need to take into consideration that they will have to financially and psychologically support that baby for 21 years or until they are capable to be financially stable, if they don't then the have failed to provide adequate opportunities for the child to live freely and thus it is immoral. (I do strongly agree on this idea)
Since my parents do not financially help me, my girlfriend has helped me financially within the areas that scholarships can not pay for, e.g. DAT exam, dental applications, groceries. Furthermore, I do have a job, however the check doesn't suffice for groceries and paying the apartment utilities.
We've been together for 3 years, and lived them wonderfully. Her parents love me! They have told me that I'm the son they never had, my girlfriend is the only child. My parents approve of my girlfriend.
I want to take the next big step, but I'm hesitant and I need your input here. I think my issue is the socioeconomical status, her family go out to cruise ship vacations or vacations in general (my parents do not), different personalities (care more about the child, financial expenses is the least on the list unlike my parents) and attitudes (my parents are uptight people and dislike sarcasm and irony, unlike her parents who love sarcasm and irony and utilize it as jokes). I want these families to intermingle, however it seems that it is too much to ask. Furthermore, my gf future fiance wants me to live far away from my family, where our future children do not pick up bad habits or attitudes that my family contains.
What should I do?
At first I thought you were over analyzing the situation but based on the bolded, you are better off to avoid this woman. If your relationship with your parents is already strained, you don't need a woman who comes in & divides you further. I have issues with my mom sometimes but my SO brigdes that gap sometimes. To have a spouse who puts fuel in the fire...oh well!!
Well, we are all just looking at the picture you paint for us, but my instinct is exactly the opposite of thebanker. I would take your GF's advise and move away. People are either a positive influence in your life or a negative influence. It sounds like your family is negative. It is your parents' job to raise you and support you. You don't owe them anything.
Things that are irritating now will only multiply when you have a wife and (maybe) kids. Surround yourself with people that will be a good influence on your kids (if you decided to have them).
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Serious Dilemma - overanalyzing the situation.
