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Old 05-15-2009, 09:18 AM
3 posts, read 5,907 times
Reputation: 10


(I apologize in advance for the length. Please read........need advice, thank you!)

My ex-boyfriend (32 years old) and I (27 years old) met online and were long distance. He was planning on moving to my area for graduate school and so he looked in that area on the dating site. That was back in August 08. We emailed back and forth religiously for a couple weeks before the phone calls began. We racked up many many hours having the greatest time learning about one another and realizing how perfect we seemed to be for each other. We instantly clicked and knew that it was something special. We talked about EVERYTHING, or so I thought. We talked about past relationships, I told him that I broke off an engagement in my past. He asked why, i said I was too young and i knew it was wrong and it was one of the most difficult things to do knowing I was hurting somebody I loved even though I knew it was right. He had mentioned seriously dating a girl for 4-5 years and admitted that they had a house together but that she started running around and so they 'broke up'. We spoke about how both of our parents were divorced and how it affected us and how we would never get a divorce in our marriages because most things can be worked through if the effort was put forth. After a couple months of talking about everything under the sun, we decided it was time to meet. He flew in to see me and the serious interest in one another was instantaneous and completely mutual. We saw each other at least once a month since then, him mostly coming to see me but I made a couple trips out to see him as well. We met family, we met friends, we were involved in every aspect of each other's lives, as much as we could be with the distance. In the meantime, he was accepted into a graduate school and we planned to start our lives geographically together next month when he'd be here for good. We talked marriage, kids, very serious aspects of our lives. We looked at engagement rings and agreed that we were going to live together for awhile before we proceeded with anything else but we knew that that's what we both wanted.

One of the issues he had to take care of with moving here was the house he owned that he had lived with the serious girlfriend (4-5 year relationship that broke up because she was running around on him). He rents it out but it is currently vacant and he realized that selling it may be the best route to take so he wasn't paying the $1,300 mortgage on it while he was in grad school. He mentioned on Tuesday that he was going to call the mortgage company to see what the payoff was on the house and if it was significantly less than what he knew a house just went for down the road, he'd put it on the market. With me being in real estate, I have access to online listings on comparables if given the address. I emailed him and asked what the address was of the house but he didn't respond so I texted him, no response either so I figured he was at lunch since. I searched with his name, city and state and it came up so I looked to see what the comps were in that area to make sure they were the amount of what he had heard, otherwise selling the house may not be the best route to go depending on what he still owed. I scrolled down and saw his ex girlfriend's first name, with his last name. I texted him and asked if he was married to her and he responded with "that's an odd question" I of course asked why and he said because it came out of nowhere. I told him to answer the question and he said unfortunately it wasn't that simple. I called him and he never once apologized for not ever telling me. All he really had to say was that it was a very difficult time in his life and it wasn't something that he felt he needed to discuss with me. It's one thing if we never talked about marriage ourselves or the fact that we would never get divorced. It's one thing if i never told him about my engagement or my financial situation that I told him about when we first started to discuss living with each other. There were so many opportunities that he had to tell me the truth and he lied. He knew right from the beginning because we talked about how I felt regarding withholding or omitting truths.....how that's still lying especially when you make a conscious effort to keep something from somebody.

I let him go on Tuesday and I can't tell if he's actually upset that we're not together or pissed that I found out. He keeps saying that i obviously wanted out otherwise i wouldn't have left so easily and that he would never have dumped me if the roles were reversed (which i find extremely hard to believe being the kind of person he is and the conversations we've had). He's also been a bit verbally abusive. Calling me a quitter, how I quit college, quit boyfriends, quit us, etc and that I have a lot of work to do on my own life before I start to give him advice on his.

It's very odd how three days ago I was good enough to marry and now i'm this loser that is evidently not good enough for him.

I'll answer any questions you have if you need more information or more details, but I'd really like to know if I did the right thing.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:23 AM
28,901 posts, read 53,322,320 times
Reputation: 46596
He's the loser. Not you.

When any relationship gets serious, you have the absolute right to know what baggage the other person has. Otherwise, your marriage will be endless succession of new revelations about his past, until you're finally wondering who the hell you married in the first place.

That being said, how you found out entailed snooping. 99% of the time, that wouldn't have been right either. Unfortunately, in this situation, your instincts proved correct and you have avoided a real mess.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:31 AM
Location: Pittsburgh's 'EAST SIDE'
2,043 posts, read 4,981,442 times
Reputation: 2673
Yes. You did the right thing. He's being too vague about this broad. You sure he isn't STILL married to her and running game on YOU? Because if he isn't still married to her, then what exactly is the big deal about him just telling you straight out how he's DIVORCED?
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:37 AM
Location: Henderson, NV Bound
8,772 posts, read 19,903,049 times
Reputation: 5563
All I can say is.........BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:43 AM
153 posts, read 513,678 times
Reputation: 180
You definitely did the right thing. With his reaction, I would not be surprised at all to find out that he is still married to her. Even if he is divorced, that was a trust-breaking lie of omission.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:45 AM
168 posts, read 526,556 times
Reputation: 235
Do you mean did you do the right thing in confronting him or did you do the right thing is checking out his housing situation? Checking out his housing situation was probably not the best thing to do considering you didn't have his permission, however, you did it with good intentions and not an intention to check up on him or snoop. The fact that you found out something he didn't want you to know about is, of course, going to infuriate him and he's going to try to deflect the focus off of his lies by accusing you of being a snoop, etc.

Did you do the wrong thing in confronting him? Not in my book. This is a HUGE red flag and who knows what else he's lied to you about. You haven't known him all that long. Also, there are two sides to every story. It would be very interesting to hear what the ex had to say about him. When I met my ex-husband I was only 16 years old and he was 27 and already divorced with two kids. Of course I was naive at 16, but the story he told me about his divorce made him out to look like 100% the victim. I felt so sorry for him and I totally despised his ex for what she'd done to him. Some years later, I was cleaning out a drawer in our house and came across his divorce papers. I read through them and was shocked to read all the things she had charged him with. Having already been involved with him for some time at that point, the honeymoon was definitely over for us and I had already become acquainted with his dark side. I knew that all the stuff she'd charged him with in their divorce was true. I eventually divorced him for the same reasons she did.

Taking everything into account in your situation, consider yourself blessed to have found out that this guy is not honest before you married him.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:49 AM
Location: Wyoming
9,725 posts, read 20,847,800 times
Reputation: 14817
Yeah, I think you did the right thing. It sounds like he's STILL married to her. Either way, he wasn't being honest about a very important aspect of his life.
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:00 AM
Location: Cumberland Co. TN
34,786 posts, read 29,536,713 times
Reputation: 31178
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Yes you have the right to know. He should have told you. It does seem he may still be married. I dont know why he would keep a previous marriage a secret. And I dont think you were wrong in finding the info. It dosent sound like snooping. I think you were just trying to help. If he werent doing something wrong, he wouldnt be so angry.
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:04 AM
Location: Apple Valley Calif
7,473 posts, read 22,613,720 times
Reputation: 5678
You met him online, nothing more to say... No matter how many hours you talked on the phone, you don't know him. Don't trust him, don't believe anything he says, and most of all, forget him as soon as you can.
He is 100% phony.. Don't meet anyone else on line...!
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:08 AM
23 posts, read 28,415 times
Reputation: 26
YES YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! He sounds like a snake who shouldn't be trusted.
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