Keeping/not keeping maiden name after marriage (family, kids, call)

[totallyfrazzled]

Originally Posted by jeninmt

I took my ex-husband's surname and kept it after we divorced. We had a child together, so I did it for her. I am remarried now with three children with my current husband and I did not take his name. I still wanted my oldest DD to have that connection with me, and until we had children together, I never thought of it. I may petition to have it hyphenated.

Exactly, this is the type of situation I was thinking of when I posted my comment earlier about name situations after remarriage.

So in your case it went something like this:

Your maiden name was Mary Doe.

You married John Smith and changed your name to Mary Smith.

You and John had a daughter whose name is Tiffany Smith.

You and John divorced and you chose not to revert back to your maiden name of Mary Doe, and instead stayed as Mary Smith.

Eventually you married Tom Jones (sorry, couldn't resist, LOL!) but because you wanted to retain the surname connection with daughter Tiffany, you kept your ex's surname and stayed Mary Smith instead of becoming Mary Jones.

Over time you had three sons with Tom. Their names are Athos Jones, Porthos Jones, and Aramis Jones (okay, so I'm really silly today... too much chocolate!). So although they're just as much your biological children as daughter Tiffany is, you don't have the surname connection with them that you do with Tiffany.

Just curious, does it matter to or bother any of the Jones kids that you and their half-sister Tiffany have the same surname but you and they do not? I bet they probably don't care either way but am curious.

If you did hyphenate the hypothetical boys' surnames would they then become, for example, Athos Smith-Jones? or Athos Jones-Smith? or would you utilize your original maiden name and create Athos Jones-Doe?

[TabulaRasa]

I've never been particularly attached to my last name; one one hand, it gives me some symmetry/assonance as my first and last name start with the same sound, but it's also one of the most common last names in the world, so not very interesting or distinctive. My boyfriend has a much more ethnic-sounding last name, and I'd gladly take it (and it also starts with the same sound as my first name, it's just not anywhere near as bland as my last name).

I used to be a print journalist. Were I still in that field, I'd probably have been more inclined to retain my maiden name, because my bylines are under that name, and the awards I received were for pieces written under that name. So I'd probably have kept my name, at least professionally if not legally. But I got out of the business, and I don't publish anything in my current job.

Were I to get married, change my name, and get divorced, I'd probably revert back to my own last name. A big part of taking a spouse's name is to illustrate the pledge of unity, and if we're not staying together, there's no unity to illustrate anymore.

No kids, so I can't really speak to how I would feel about having/not having the same last name as them. My mom was raised by a stepfather and used his last name, although legally, her surname remained the same as her birth father's. She took my dad's name when she married, so it never comes up.

[Pikantari]

I did hyphenated. My Dad passed a few months before I was married and I decided I wanted to hold onto his name.

I only use my Dads name these days, since I became separated almost 2 years ago.

If I get married again, I will take my husbands name.

I have people asking me about wanting to keep my ex husbands name because of my children. I cannot wait to be legally rid of it. He will always be their father no matter what, I do not feel the need to keep his name, just because my kids have his name.

[Glitterific]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

Regarding the idea of retaining a husband's name after divorce solely or mainly to avoid having a different name than your children's: Isn't it becoming quite common nowadays for mothers and children to have different surnames? IMHO nobody seems to think it's unusual anymore.

And if the divorced mom remarries, does she not then end up having a different surname than her children from the previous husband(s) anyway?

Get out of my head! Lol.

I wonder the same thing. I am not keeping my ex's last name after we divorce even if that means my child and I will have a different last name. Having different last names isn't as much of a big deal as people make it out to be. No one will slap a scarlet letter on your chest if you and your kids have different last names.

I think deep down most of those people don't want others thinking they had a divorce or had a child out of wedlock more than anything. That is just my opinion of course.

I wouldn't mind keeping my last name after marriage if my spouse doesn't mind. I know some guys who wouldn't go for that at all.

[CESpeed]

I took my ex's name because it's tradition and I hated my last name. I kept it just because I had been using it so long and it would just be a pain to convert back to my birth name or maiden name. (my name was changed when my stepfather adopted me - another story for another time).

[DubbleT]

I got married and took same last name as DH, had kids, got divorced, remarried and took new hubbies last name.
Kids were young, confused by it, hated it. Teachers, pediatricians, et al. seemed to be confused by it too, kept asking if I was their "real" mother. So I changed it legally, hyphenated it. Still seemed to confuse a lot of people, but at least the questions about being the real mom went away.

Originally Posted by nebulous1

What really is annoying are the ones who hyphenate ...
So how do you put their last name in alphabetical order? What is their true legal last name?

I think it just looks dumb, and it's my opinion.

Well, Mary Craven-Moore's legal last name would be Craven-Moore. Alphabetically it goes under the C's. Just pretend it's all one word.
Trust me, it's just as annoying to find that half the people I deal with can't figure that out, and I have to wait for them to find out under which name they have filed my "whatever".

[jeninmt]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

Just curious, does it matter to or bother any of the Jones kids that you and their half-sister Tiffany have the same surname but you and they do not? I bet they probably don't care either way but am curious.

I think our oldest son together (almost 10) notices the difference in names, but the other two are toddlers, so I won't know for awhile with them. He doesn't seem to mind that I am not a "Jones", but when he tells teachers and such our names, he calls me "Jane Jones". Now, if it were my daughter (the oldest from my first marriage), she would be concerned about it and INSIST I was a "Smith". I think that is a girl/boy difference.

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

If you did hyphenate the hypothetical boys' surnames would they then become, for example, Athos Smith-Jones? or Athos Jones-Smith? or would you utilize your original maiden name and create Athos Jones-Doe?

I would only hyphenate my name, not the names of my children, and I would only hyphenate my two married names, not incorporate my maiden name. So, I would be a Smith-Jones. I would have the last names of both "sets" of my children that way and my current husband would not have to explain why our children just aren't "Joneses".

[toosie]

I've been married almost 20 years. I kept my maiden name. It was a hassle when we lived in Va but not so much besides that. My husband suggested he take my last name but we decided just to keep our own.

[fjtee]

I changed my name when I married, largely because I really like my husband's last name. I like my maiden name, too, but not as much. We have young children, so I voted that if a divorce were to occur, I'd keep his last name. Now, if the kids were already off to college, I think I'd probably revert to my maiden name. It also would depend upon how nice of a divorce it was.

[totallyfrazzled]

Originally Posted by fjtee

It also would depend upon how nice of a divorce it was.

Which brings up another interesting point.

I wonder how many of those who voted "Would keep husband's surname after divorce" took into the consideration the effects that a nasty/ugly divorce are likely to have on their ultimate desire to keep that person's surname?

My ex turned into an alcoholic with violent tendencies who ended up throwing all vestiges of personal and professional ethics out the window. Even if I had given up my maiden name during the throes of wedded bliss, I would never in a million years have wanted to be associated with him namewise after things went sour. Even if we'd had children the first thing I'd have done would've been to go back to my maiden name.

Many (most?) divorces aren't exactly "civilized". I daresay that most women feel exactly like Pikantari described (can't wait to cut all socially visible ties to the ex).