Keeping/not keeping maiden name after marriage (divorce, daughter, different)

[Violett]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

Just wondering what the general trend is nowadays....

I don't know what the trend is, but I will take my husband's name so that when we have children, we will feel unified as a family. My grandmother on my mom's side raised me and we never had the same last name. I can't tell you what a difference it makes in the way it makes the child feel - it's huge. I have other friends who have had similar experiences. imo, children feel the happiest and relaxed when their family is secure, parents that have different names create a division between themselves and it matters, even if the division is relatively minor.

[Violett]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

Exactly, this is the type of situation I was thinking of when I posted my comment earlier about name situations after remarriage.

So in your case it went something like this:

Your maiden name was Mary Doe.

You married John Smith and changed your name to Mary Smith.

You and John had a daughter whose name is Tiffany Smith.

You and John divorced and you chose not to revert back to your maiden name of Mary Doe, and instead stayed as Mary Smith.

Eventually you married Tom Jones (sorry, couldn't resist, LOL!) but because you wanted to retain the surname connection with daughter Tiffany, you kept your ex's surname and stayed Mary Smith instead of becoming Mary Jones.

Over time you had three sons with Tom. Their names are Athos Jones, Porthos Jones, and Aramis Jones (okay, so I'm really silly today... too much chocolate!). So although they're just as much your biological children as daughter Tiffany is, you don't have the surname connection with them that you do with Tiffany.

Just curious, does it matter to or bother any of the Jones kids that you and their half-sister Tiffany have the same surname but you and they do not? I bet they probably don't care either way but am curious.

If you did hyphenate the hypothetical boys' surnames would they then become, for example, Athos Smith-Jones? or Athos Jones-Smith? or would you utilize your original maiden name and create Athos Jones-Doe?

I would first discuss the issue with my new husband and brainstorm different ways we could deal with the issue. Then, he and I would present our ideas to the family, and we would decide together. It's probably a topic that people would need time to think over, so I don't think the answer would be decided within a day. It may take several months before a consensus is reached.

[totallyfrazzled]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

Who cares about trends? Make your own path.

I was using the word "trend" in the sense of "current cultural mores considered acceptable", rather than in the sense of "fashionable".

For instance, in my parents' generation (they were born between 1900 and 1920) it was pretty much unthinkable for a woman to keep her maiden name after marriage. And of course divorce was less common then as well, because of the social stigma attached to it. What the stats were for women of my parents' generation reverting to their maiden name after divorce, I honestly don't know.

It was in my (Baby Boomer) generation that the cultural shift toward women retaining their maiden name after marriage began to appear in enough numbers to be noticeable. But there was still criticism (even if just poking fun) of that, even among those of our own generation, during the 1960s and 1970s.

Obviously the more people who choose to do a thing, the more culturally acceptable it becomes, and vice versa. Hence my very informal (and IMO very informative!) poll on the subject.

[totallyfrazzled]

For those who enjoy such things, there's an interesting summary of a 1999 court case whereby after a divorce the mother petitioned the Court to have their child's surname hyphenated. The exhusband/father objected, hence the case. The ruling of the first court was appealed, and the summary describes both the arguments of the original case and that of the appeal/decision.

FindLaw | Cases and Codes

Two excerpts from the summary I find particularly relevant. One is

"An old Roman maxim runs, 'Sine nomine homo non est' (without a name a person is nothing). One's name is a signboard to the world. It is one of the most permanent of possessions; it remains when everything else is lost; it is owned by those who possess nothing else.... When one dies it is the only part that lives on in the world. "

Something I did not know until reading this summary was that it was Henry VIII (of all people!) who first required the recording of legitimate births under the surname of the father: "Thus, the naming of children after the father became the custom in England and the tradition continued into the colonies."

The other comment that I find very relevant and logical (italics are mine) is:

"A combined surname is a solution that recognizes each parent's legitimate claims and threatens neither parent's rights. The name merely represents the truth that both parents created the child and that both parents have responsibility for that child."

[MMichelle]

I've never considered changing my name. Nor would I expect any one to change his name to mine.

Names are very important. Women loose a great deal my changing their name. It's difficult to stay in contact with people - very hard to find people years later. Professionally it's a mess and lessens your standing.

Maybe never is a big word. For example, if I wanted to completely leave my family .. get them out of my life forever... I'd change my name. Short of that, I an who I am.

[PeachyMJ]

I did take my husbands' last names (both of them). But used my maiden name rather than my middle name. My daughter did the same thing when she got married, her husband was not happy but he got over it.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by PeachyMJ

I did take my husbands' last names (both of them). But used my maiden name rather than my middle name. My daughter did the same thing when she got married, her husband was not happy but he got over it.

I'm puzzled. I think what you're saying is that your daughter, "Jane Marie Smith," married "John Doe" and became "Jane Smith Doe." Right? Why would that bother her husband? Did he want to eradicate all vestiges of her maiden name?

[PeachyMJ]

JustJane, his mother did not use her maiden name and I suppose it was just foreign to him. But, she prevailed and is AGS, instead of ABS. He did not understand that she had her mother and 4 aunts who had all done the same thing.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by PeachyMJ

JustJane, his mother did not use her maiden name and I suppose it was just foreign to him. But, she prevailed and is AGS, instead of ABS. He did not understand that she had her mother and 4 aunts who had all done the same thing.

Ah. My mother-in-law did that too, and I work with several women who did that as well. I think it's fairly common. In fact, after thinking about it more, that may have been typical in America in the past. I'd have to dig out my old etiquette books to check, though.

[rameshraju]

Tradition and customs are ingredients of Culture. In many cultures of the world, women are treated as embodiments of honor and pride of a family in the society. Many cultures affirm that women are the conservers and carriers of culture for generations together. When a woman replaces her maiden name with her husband's family name, symbolically it means that she has taken the responsibility of conserving honor and pride of her family in the society. It also means that she has established new family after getting married. The sacrifice, loving nature, sanctity, and adaptability of a woman in her family are revealed by this tradition. The tradition of woman replacing maiden name with her husband's last name mainly creates a strong feeling of unity and oneness among the family members. This tradition also helps a person to be identified in the society by family name. Since husband is elder to his wife, most commonly all the members of a family including wife and children appends his last name to the original names. However, owing to women's empowerment and growth of feminism few women of today are trying to break this culture by keeping their maiden names even after marriage.