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I seem to be the mother in the dynamic of that nasty mother/daughter relationship that can develop and I'm not sure how to get out of that equation.
I seem to be the one that gets lashed out at. Usually that kinda thing happens because mom is an old nosy, busy-body, minding her daughter's affairs. But all agree, that I do a stupendous job, of staying OUT of my daughter's life (she is an adult, she does not live with me, lives close-by, but not here).
How do you get *out* of that nasty dynamic? I don't try to mind her business, I don't call her too often with beggings/leanings of *how are you, haven't head from you*, all that nasty stuff that moms can do that is so annoying.
And it isn't just me saying that. All agree, her siblings, her father, that I do a stellar job of staying out of her hair. But she just seems to continaully lash out at me.
I try to confront finally, instead of just laying back and taking it, which is what I usually do, in the interest of peace and harmony (although I am torn up inside for how she tx's me, in particular). I try to confront *this time* and draw her attention to some things she's done of late that were not fair to me, and she hangs up on me. Doesn't apologize, doesn't offer any explanation, just flat out hangs up on me.
I seem to be caught in the middle of one of those nasty mother/daughter relationships. Never dreamed I'd be here, in this place. Especially being that I don't deserve it. If I was minding her business, trying to tell her what for, and where for, all the time, then I would be deserving of it. I don't.
How do you get out of that kind of dynamic? How do you remove yourself from it, and no longer be somebody's whipping post?
Get a hobby
I mean that with all respect. A little less availability means less crap. I did not catch an age on your daughter but you have to draw the line. No confrontation needed. She can come to you. It gets over your limit you suddenly need that sour cream from the store.
Good luck!
I can't really comment on this because I have an outstanding relationship with both of my kids, a daughter and a son. My daughter just turned 21 and we go out together sometimes. At home we make sure we spend time together and it's always a great time. My son and I just had lunch yesterday, always so nice spending time with my kids. Im very lucky.
Look...once you get to be an adult, you really do have permission to deal with only those you want to.
I'm not one of those that think you owe your parents for the rest of your life. If they treat you like crap then you truly and honestly don't have to put up with it.
Don't take the phone calls. Block her number.
Same for children...if they are grown and out of the house and they treat you like crap....guess what?? You don't have to put up with it.
My mom knows when she's gone too far. I don't call her. I send her calls to voice mail. I will not subject myself to it.
Something I don't understand in this situation is that if you are doing such a great job, what is she lashing out at you for? What is she accusing you of? In your effort to stay out of her hair have you gone too far and seemed distant? I'm only making guesses here because you have not given any real detail. There are two sides to every story, do you know what her side is? Can you see where she is coming from? Have you tried to discuss things with her in an adult way instead of telling her what she has done wrong?
These kind of relationship dynamics are never one sided and it takes two to keep it going. If you would like the situation to change, first ask yourself some of the above questions and see what you can do to change it instead of hoping that someone else will change, they never do because something you are doing is enabling this behaviour.
I agree with Granny Sue, people do treat you the way you let them and also sometimes we are blind to our own part in the relationship.
This sounds like my daughter in laws relationship with her daughter.. That girl has made up all sorts of stuff in her mind that her Mom did to her and constantly attacks her Mom for all these things she had made up... But yet expected to be able to show up and be welcomed with opened arm and sit at their table and eat their food while she called her Mom vile names..
I know these things are made up because her sister says she tells her the same stories and her favorite one was the one where she says their Mom abandoned them.. Her sister has asked her many times WHEN their Mom ever abandoned them and WHY...My daughter in law finally banned her daughter from the house and would not even talk to her on the phone anymore. She could pull up in front of the house but was not allowed to get out of the car and any messages had to go through a third party.
Things have greatly improved once the daughter understood the consequences of her actions and her Mom would not tolerate it anymore. She maybe has not learned to respect her Mother but she has learned her Mother will not tolerate the constant attacks in no way, shape nor form..
What got me was that daughter, after bashing her Mom as bad as she did, GUESS WHO she called first when she needed something? Guess WHO is now raising the daughters kids? I kept telling the Mom, the daughters actions did not back up any of the "Bad Mom" stories she was constantly telling.
I am telling you what I told my DIL.... YOU are allowing this to happen and only YOU can stop it! You have to shut her down, even if it means NO contact of any sort.. Why do you feel you have to put up with it? Why do you allow it to happen? Why are YOU giving her that POWER over you?
Well to elaborate and provide a little more input. She comes over here, not often, periodically, and no not necessarily *invited*. It isn't that kind of household.
One thing in particular that has been a bone of contention and I am telling the gospel, honest truth. She intends to get a tattoo shortly. I have said not one word. I don't care for tattoo's. They just are not appealing to me. I have not said a word. It's her body, she's an adult, she can do as she pleases. I don't like it, but it's not up to me to like it or lump it, and I realize that, thus I shut my mouth and provide no input on the discussion as she peruses choices for tats. But my lack of input, I guess is glaring enough. I don't add any input on the topic, either way. On purpose. She then goads me. With taunts, of why don't I like her idea for a tattoo. I say to her "well that's fine, if that's what you want". She then mocks, "she doesn't like it, she doesn't want me to get a tattoo, she doesn't like em". I answer "no I don't, you know that, but do what you want, your body". She then taunts more.
That's one instance, that has occured on more than one occasion. I stay out of it, on purpose. Because it's not my business. Not my money to pay for it, not my body, she's an adult, can make her own decisions. And so why I have to be provoked and goaded about it, I don't know.
Let's see. Another instance. She had stated that she'd be coming by here to drop something off, on a specific evening. She never did come. Never called. Couldn't reach her on her phone (which is nothing unusual, she despises the phone and rarely answers it, for ANYONE, not just me). Couldn't reach her all evening, she never came by, never called. I was worried about her, did she get mugged in a parking lot somewhere, what? I dunno. Her husband was out of town, so I had no way of knowing if she was accounted for. She just was absent, no phone call, nothing. Typically I could, if she pulled that, just check with her dh, but he was out of town.
Inconsiderate, and rude. I wouldn't do that to someone. I would at least phone and let the person who is expecting me know, that I've come across a problem of some sort and won't be coming by. She knows better, I raised her. She was taught better.
I talked to her the next a.m. briefly to let her know that some plan that had been in place for another item on the agenda had fallen thru. I called her specifically for that reason. To give her a heads up, (the item, not important). Suffice it to say there had been something on the agenda upcoming that had fallen thru, and I was giving her a heads up on it. She responded with a quick, snippy *okay bye*, and hung up. No questions as to whether the item in question has been rescheduled, or further dialogue, just a quick *okay bye*. And she was gone. I tried to call her back, and got no answer (see above, never answers her phone). Tried a few times during the day (there was further info on the issue, that I hadn't been given the lattitude to express by her kurt hang up). Never could reach her.
I finally left a message with her husband to have her call me. She did, finally.
Once I got her on the phone I querried her about the night before when she had said she'd be by here and never arrived, never called, was not accessible to be reached. I asked her about the kurt hang up,
I got hung up on. She asked me if I had called to (her words) *chew her arpse*. I responded that no I hadn't, but that I had been concerned the night before when she didn't call, didn't come by, that maybe a phone call to let me know she wasn't coming. When I said to her that I had more info for her on the item that had fallen thru, that she had hung up on me, and I hadn't been able to further explain, that maybe if she's busy if I've caught her at a bad time, a better response would be *hey mom I'm busy can I call you back*. To that I got "did you call me to chew my arpse?". I responded "no am I chewing your ...........?". To that it was a hang up. She hung up. That was it.
This after last night, she and her dh were invited to dinner, and the dh is the only one that could be reached (invited here by her sister who was cooking dinner here). The dh accepted the invitation on their behalf. Was told what time dinner would be served. They never showed up. Either of them, never called. The dh did come by very briefly to just visit with my dh, just for a moment or two. Their plates had been left covered for them. He left without them.
These are just a few snippets of examples over just the last few days. It would take a whole novel to write down all the examples there are. These are just a few, over just the last few days.
These are just a few snippets of examples over just the last few days. It would take a whole novel to write down all the examples there are. These are just a few, over just the last few days.
No offence to you nnyl, I'm just a casual observer and I'm a son.
But moms don't keep track of the kids missing appointments, and even if they do, they generally don't let the kids know about it and highlight the fact that something on the "agenda" got ruined. It's like giving a guilt trip.
I also feel you are being a technical mom and are very particular on your daughter's mom-time obligations.
LOL. Nope. It had nothing to do with a missed appt. on her behalf. It had to with the fact that her little sister was supposed to do something for her, to assist her with something. Her little sister was supposed to come to her apartment to assist her with something. Her little sister is a minor and lives at home with me and her dad. Her little sister had royally screwed up, and found herself grounded. So I was calling the older daughter (the one I have a problem with) to let her know that her younger sister would not be coming to assist her, that she had screwed up and found herself grounded for a few days.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colossus_Antonis
No offence to you nnyl, I'm just a casual observer and I'm a son.
But moms don't keep track of the kids missing appointments, and even if they do, they generally don't let the kids know about it and highlight the fact that something on the "agenda" got ruined. It's like giving a guilt trip.
I also feel you are being a technical mom and are very particular on your daughter's mom-time obligations.
LOL. Nope. It had nothing to do with a missed appt. on her behalf. It had to with the fact that her little sister was supposed to do something for her, to assist her with something. Her little sister was supposed to come to her apartment to assist her with something. Her little sister is a minor and lives at home with me and her dad. Her little sister had royally screwed up, and found herself grounded. So I was calling the older daughter (the one I have a problem with) to let her know that her younger sister would not be coming to assist her, that she had screwed up and found herself grounded for a few days.
Oh ok
I'm really sorry you have to go through this, nnyl. Why I understand is because if I donot give mom a call every 24 hours, she will call me, for sure. Many a time when she does I'm somewhere, held up with work/meetings and my phone's on the silent mode. And remember, I'm a 29 year old adult. And when she does not get her response, she panics. My cousins say she sweats, throws a fit and gets restless. I guess all mothers are the same
But you seem to have a similar problem - the second paragraph on where you describe the tattoo in message #7 is so intense. I can tell you hate the tattoo
And it's this intensity in emotions which I think you can scale down. I really wish several times that my mother does not have to panic when I donot answer the phone. I'm old enough not to be kidnapped, run over by a bus while road-crossing or struck by a lightning.
It's difficult, but at least you can save some mom pressure and come to grips with the fact that your daughter is married and has a husband who can look after her. It's still difficult, but you might wanna let some steam off and relax.
Beating yourself to it works your emotions more than the daughter's. The aggravation is not worth it, IMHO. She'll come to you.
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