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Old 06-06-2009, 09:11 AM
 
Location: .
124 posts, read 328,586 times
Reputation: 69

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When my wife called me today morning, she was not at home, may be she went to hotel, she said she is going out of country with little one in few days, she said you did not come home last night so I took that step , I told her I wanted to give her some space and I was in touch with her on phone, I told her you dont know what has concerned me to take this step of distancing, she asked What? I said the other day when we had some argument you in anger picked the big kitchen knife and threatend to kill yourself, when I distanced my self with the baby and then went out of home with baby so that she calms down, she stormed out of home and said she would kill herself, I then asked her do you think its justified in any way , irrespective what trigger that behavior in her? she said are you justified? so basically she is in denail mode, I said I am worried for everyone, you may harm yourself sometime in anger and I cannot see this , and we have a baby at home.. Still I asked her what she wants, she said I dont want to come back home, this is her attitude.
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Old 06-06-2009, 09:14 AM
 
Location: .
124 posts, read 328,586 times
Reputation: 69
Let me clear your confusion here, If we seperate my daugher would be with me as my wife would not take her , period. When I said I love my son and I cannot see him go was because my wife says she is going to take the son with her, that is the reason I said I cannot take drastic step of divorcing right away without giving her some time to reflect as I love my son(this is the fear of seperation from him)

I am least worried about my daughter if we seperate as she would be with me only, that is why I said in this seperation thing my son is my weakness as I love him a lot and cannot live without him, also my wife may leave US .

Hope you understand, also the problem with my wife is may be its a adopted daughter and not her blood so she is not liking or something. But the whole issue is that if they have tiff , she is not getting normal, I too agree that buying gadgets is not a show of love, to show love it takes a lot of other things, I made her do dance class, join Taekwando, all this I decide for her, my wife does not, I wanted to send her abroad for vaction so that she is out of the daily rut for some time , I love my daughter she is with me when she was a baby, and I have been taking care of her from baby days though my mother used to help too when I was not living together due to work....

I agree we should seek therapist, I am seeing one, but my wife is not wanting, or even thinking that would work, what do I do? how can I drag her to know that its important for her to come out of denial mode, may be its her personality so she will never be able to see it that way.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Paws917 View Post
You have mentioned several times that you have a deep love for your son, but I don't remember seeing you write that about your daughter. You write that you feel sorry for her, but not that you love her whereas it's clear that your whole family adores your son. I can understand how difficult it can be at times to raise a teenager and teenage girls can be very moody at times. My teenage daughter and I butt heads often, but we make up quickly and I believe she knows that underneath it all, she is loved very much by her father and me. We tell her all the time and we attend all her school and extra-cirricular functions and listen to her when she talks. Buying kids things like iPods, cell phones and computers (which BTW most American teens have) is not showing them love. You have to show interest in them as developing young men and women, spend time with them and listen to them. I really feel sorry for your daughter. I wonder if there is anyone in her life whose love she feels. BTW, abuse is not just physical. Abuse can be emotional and mental too. When I was seeing a therapist after leaving my very abusive ex-husband, she once told me that speaking as a therapist, mental and emotional abuse were far more difficult to treat than physical abuse because with physical abuse, there could be no denial that you were deliberately hurt by this person. Maybe your whole family should seek therapy because your family dynamic is way off.

Last edited by Raj_USA; 06-06-2009 at 09:30 AM..
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Old 06-06-2009, 09:31 AM
 
382 posts, read 1,353,683 times
Reputation: 260
Your wife has control issues, for one. She has a ton of other issues too, but the control issue is the biggest one that sticks out. She is not going to change because you want her to. It looks like she doesn't want to at all.

Go see a lawyer (it's usually free the first time, call and ask), and do not let her take your son out of the country. Your son would be no better off with her than your daughter. You can get full custody of both of your children, a lawyer will help you, especially if you tell them what's going on.

You need to start standing up for your children and yourself. You can stand up for yourself, your children can not. Do you really want your kids raised by this emotionally unstable and abusive person? I doubt it. Get them out and get them out fast.

Sometimes taking that first step towards divorce can wake a spouse up and let them see that they really do have problems, and it's not everyone else.
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Old 06-06-2009, 09:32 AM
 
168 posts, read 531,333 times
Reputation: 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raj_USA View Post
Let me clear your confusion here, If we seperate my daugher would be with me as my wife would not take her , period. When I said I love my son and I cannot see him go was because my wife says she is going to take the son with her, that is the reason I said I cannot take drastic step of divorcing right away without giving her some time to reflect as I love my son(this is the fear of seperation from him)
I would urge you to contact a divorce attorney just to find out what your rights are under U.S. law. I'm pretty sure you could make an excellent case for custody of both children against an abusive, suicidal mother. My brother did and he won.
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Old 06-06-2009, 09:40 AM
 
Location: .
124 posts, read 328,586 times
Reputation: 69
It is difficult time definitely for me, I also know my 2 year old loves his mom too a lot, she also loves him, having him with me too would make me sad , I know I have to find some solution, but like the counselor said you are going to be feeling sorry in every situation you can imagine...

I am also short of time, I dont know how soon she would leave country , may be few days, how do I contact a attorney get an order passed in this short time...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paws917 View Post
I would urge you to contact a divorce attorney just to find out what your rights are under U.S. law. I'm pretty sure you could make an excellent case for custody of both children against an abusive, suicidal mother. My brother did and he won.
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Old 06-06-2009, 09:54 AM
 
382 posts, read 1,353,683 times
Reputation: 260
Google for divorce attorneys in your area, call and ask their fees etc... and see if you can get an appointment for Monday at least. You might be able to find one open today, but most are closed on weekends.
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:04 AM
 
168 posts, read 531,333 times
Reputation: 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by lyzzard View Post
Google for divorce attorneys in your area, call and ask their fees etc... and see if you can get an appointment for Monday at least. You might be able to find one open today, but most are closed on weekends.

That's very true. Also, when a divorce action is pending, both parties are usually prohibited from leaving the country (or the state for that matter) with the children without both parents' permission.
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:27 PM
 
Location: .
124 posts, read 328,586 times
Reputation: 69
No, i never address as My daughter in front of my wife, rather my wife keeps saying that in anger, your daughter, your son, even though our son is our natural born son . I do take sides for my daughter and also son when I see something not reasonable, of course I am not a strict parent, and my wife more of strict and controlling parent, that could be another reason of conflict and her resentment that I do not discipline kids the way she does.

Whatever be the reason, still her anger needs to be in control, the aggresive behabior in times of conflict is something that definitely needs attention now, or else it may get too late later on..

As of now I do not know if she would even come back as it seems she does not want to reconcile, nor understand my concerns towards her anger. Not sure where I will be going from here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yhwhshalomjr View Post
I agree with Waynec613;
Seems like you've covered most of the bases,
It wouldn't hurt to write a letter to her in detail expressing your desires in a non-provoking
tone, and see what happens, in the meantime don't react to anything in front of your daughter as to prevent triggering this behavior (sounds like someone i know)
something jumps out from the page though, have you been addressing her as "my daughter" around your wife all the time? it may be that she has grown to resent her and the relationship that the two of you may have may seem to exclude her in her mind. do you take sides with the daughter? just something to consider. even though she sounds done.
sounds as though your back is up against the wall, keep counseling going, maybe is she bi-polar, or a narcissist? i feel for you and the children
In my prayers
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Old 06-06-2009, 08:40 PM
 
382 posts, read 1,353,683 times
Reputation: 260
You should still go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Even if you actually went forward with it, you can always stop it at anytime up until the very very end. Maybe she'll snap out of it, who knows.
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Old 06-07-2009, 06:48 AM
 
Location: .
124 posts, read 328,586 times
Reputation: 69
We had a meeting yesterday , with a common friend of ours, she laying down her concerns, me laying down mine and my daughter was also called in and she left crying again as she felt my wife was trying to be harsh, surely my daughter has issues of discipline , she replies back, does not obey first time what is told, etc, but still she is nice person, I definitely have a lot of soft corner and also love and affection for her.

We had heated arguments , my wife also got upset saying things are going no where and there is no point discussing, but the common friend did ask us if we want this to work and our answer was yes

But in my mind, I am worried, confused, will it work the way I want to see? will we be happy? will a personality behave differntly in a relationship after conflicts reaching such stages? whether its me , my daughter or my wife? will there be same level of trust, love and respect? if so how much time it would take? What if there are again episodes of conflict while we are trying to build our relations again?

Also I dont feel her and my daughters chemistry would ever change, its both ways, its too late for me to keep expecting it would happen.

Now I am again at crossroads, I am thinking to continue with temprorary seperation , I continue staying at my friends place and my wife was at our place last night, she said she would stay for today as we have birthday party for our son today.. Whether she leaves home or not, I can continue living seperate, but my daughter is not happy to live in same home with my wife, so if my wife lives there I would have to see a place for myself and my daughter, anyways I am sending my daughter for vacation oversees to her grandmother, for 2 months, so that way she is out of here, and I would need to take care of just me and my wife to live seperately.

Again the question is how long should I target for temprorary seperation?What answers should I look for if I need to ponder again that we can live together? Or Should I really go for divorce and file for joint custody of kid? All these questions are hounding me every now and then, what I know is I am not comfortable right away to patch up, irrespective whoevers fault it is and whoever is contributing to the conflict at home, the home is not at peace the way it should be, its a lose lose situation for everyone, my wife feels she is losing her identity, I feel that for me too, and I am scared my daughter may grow up with her own scars and theory of marriage and parenting neglect...

Here are some of my wife's issue which are bothering me and are causing major conflict between us, may be someone can tell me are they common or how serious they are?

1. Anger, most of the times she is fine, but can get easily irritated and angry and once angry she expects that she is supposed to stop talking to everyone around , show as if no one exist and everyone should just keep away till she gets normal, and she can get normal in few days, weeks.

2. Her beahvior with my daughter which most of the times is cold, she would not talk to her at all, or to very least, just ask for food or any other thing in a one liner, she does not do any other thing for her..no planning w.r.t activities, sports, vacation, she feels bad almost for everything my daughter does, like going to friends place, of course at one place I see my daughter is wrong, she likes to call me and tell whether she is staying back after school or going to her friends place and she does not call and tell her mom which my wife feels bad about and mistreated, I do not know if this is ego or what, but I tried correcting my daughter too on that..The bottom line is my wife is not able to be compassionate and soft with my daughter and showing some love...I feel its her personality but hard to say..

3. My wife is aggressive in talks when angry, can say or do anything, like leave house just out of anger and come back, verbally abuse and say hurtful things, once a while she gone to the extent of harming herself and threaten me of dire consequences too. I have never done that in our 8 years of marriage, except that I get suicidal thoughts at times but I just keep that within, I do not do or even show my anger that I would harm myself..in once instance she was leaving home and I said I will pick the knife and harm myself ,this was some years back. But nothing other than that.

4. I feel my wife has not blended in my family and is kind of non committed, and I told her that, yesterday, she said how do you see commitment, I said most of the times you do not get along well with our daughter(who is part of my family from brother side but we adopted) my mother who sometimes visits us from abroad, and I said even with me being her husband, our both relationship are not healty, so I feel she has not blended in our family very well, while I do not assume that in any household there wont be problems and every one would be happy always, but when you see in general you would know how healthy a family is and I feel mine is not that healthy . It may so happen that my mother, and me side by my daughter and my wife feels we are a team, buts its a tough situation to be in where my wife does all the controlling and we just dont do or say anything...

5. She behaves erratic way , in a way that may make other person angry and do or tell things in response to the behavior, like not talking properly even if I try to talk, showing neglect....and making others feel sorry when she is angry by not talking...

My wife says these are her issues with me :

1. I am not a strict parent, kids take me for granted and try to split us.

2. For me anything is ok, I wont object for anything

3. I keep nagging my wife, whether she would like to stay with me or leave, and I keep telling her in anger" I cannot live with you anymore"

4. I do not leave her by herself till she gets normal in anger, when angry and abusive I should just try and keep quite, I should not take sides in conflict between she and my daughter, whatever she says to her or does and vice versa I should stay away and then say things in private , so basically I should take back seat at that time when they are either fighting or arguing.

5. I keep talking about our problems with some close common friends while she does not , she feels she is being bad mouthed by me.

Last edited by Raj_USA; 06-07-2009 at 07:13 AM..
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