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My marriage is one of those where both partners are fully satisfied. I am fully satisfied and I think my husband is too. We have been married for over 5 years. We never fight or argue.
My only complaint is that because of his long works hours he is not able to spend as much time with me as I would like and I am lonely a lot. However, he does spent every bit of free time that he has with me, so at least he makes the effort. That is truly my only complaint, and I think it's a small one.
Anyhow, I think the reasons we are both so satisfied is that: a) we both knew what we were looking for in a mate before we met; b) we did not rely on what I believe is the superficial practice of going for looks before personality; c) we are both extremely similar in temperment and personality (both type Bs) and I think this is essential to a successful marriage--i.e. opposites do not attract in my opinion; d) we both come from similar backgrounds and are of the same religion, and e) we met on match.com, so we were able to branch out from what would normally be a small dating pool and find another person who has all the qualities we were seeking. Incidentally, we did not live in the same state when we first met and did the long-distance relationship thing from the beginning until I was able to move in with him in his city.
I really think b is key. I personally believe that when people value looks over a personality match, they are shortchanging themselves big time, because they are overlooking potential partners who may be the absolute best life partner match. Looks were not on my list of "must haves" whatsoever when I was looking for a serious relationship. Both of us are very non-superficial people, and that is another way that we are similar. It seems that of our friends who are single, they never seem to find the one because they are so hung up on looks. They won't even go out on one date with someone who does not meet their looks ideal. What is up with that? This is the main reason I believe there are so many unsuccessful marriages. People need to move past the superficial to see the person that is inside. When they don't do this, they end up with someone who might be their ideal physically (at least for awhile until that person begins to age or gain weight, etc.) but who is not their ideal match in every other way.
Last edited by kibblesandbits; 06-24-2009 at 06:43 AM..
I just think it's so important, and our job, to open up the lines of communication and really listen to what our spouces are saying....I mean, if he wants a sail boat, hell, I'd get a job to help him accomplish that...so that he can fulfill his dreams, besides, it's something we could accomplish together....
why are we so darn fearful of doing something outside of our comfort zones, let alone, react so selfishly when our spouses say, "I'd like to do that", don't react as if his/her desire to do something is so completely off the wall it doesn't deserve consideration. You spouse deserves that kind of consideration...they deserve a life, they are not yours to own, b/c you're married to each other.
Ladies...if your out with other couples, I mean it, and he disagrees with you, don't take it personal, so what if he disagrees, he's not discrediting your feelings, he's expressing his...so allow him that...if you do, you might be surprised at how good things get when you get home...ahhh hemmm...
instead of huffing and puffing like some peacock who just had their feathers robbed. I can't tell you how many people take someone disagreeing with them as a personal attack against their characters, instead of realizing, "hey, that's his opinion or his true feeings, hmmm, I didn't know that" you might learn a lot more about your spouse then you know. He/She is not degrading you, they are expressing their opinions, and surprise, they can't think and feel like you all the time...sheesh
And ladies, stop charging...especially if your not working...it is very unfair, to keep running up the charges and trying to live beyond your means, when you husband is working all kinds of hours to pay off the bills. If your not going to work and help him out, then charging is an infidelity of sorts. I don't care how much you think you need it, your hubby doesn't need to work his life away trying to keep you in "Things".
And don't sit down and say, "Honey, are you happy?" Are you nuts...of course they're not going to tell you their unhappy?????? What you can do, is learn to listen and not react to what they say until you really think about it, cuz a lot of times, we're missing the clues. What they're actually saying is, "they are not happy". If he or she wants to go on a cruise, give it up and go...you might have a good time, and even if you don't, there is going to come a time, when you want to do something and your spouse doesn't but they go to keep you happy.
Listen to their clues and cues, and venture out together, and stop living in a rut. Stop putting words in your spouses mouth and allow them to be who they are...allow them and more so, encourage them to accomplish their goals....even if you can't be there, they will still come home to you and be much more fulfilled. I mean, think about the sex? It could be incredible and just like it was before you married.
Why is sex so good before your married...b/c there are no responsiblities, no worries...we're in love with lust, we're calm and happy, we're at ease with each other with no fears of restraints. As soon as you stop listening to your spouse or react for them and to them in a negative way...that's when things start to change.
I worked with a man, who took me to the trunk of his car and opened it up. There on ice, he had a champaign bottle, glasses in a picnic basket filled with fruit, bread and stuff. He was so proud, as he told me, I'm taking my bride of 11 years to dinner and then to a motel room with a jacuzzi tube tonight. I asked him if she knew it...he said, not really, I just told her to be dressed for dinner cuz I'm taking her someplace special. HE made the arrangements, HE took the innitiative, HE chose to surprise his wife with something out of the ordinary...and I can betcha, they had better sex that night then in a long long time. YOu as a couple, deserve good sex, you deserve to be treated well, respected and you need surprises now and then to keep it exciting....so plan a romantic get away weekend, and if your wife is dropping hints, then go...stop being so self absorbed and afraid of going outside your comfort zone.
And wives...you don't know for sure if your hubby's really happy. You've got to encourage him to go forward, branch out and explore life, regain a hobby or two that doesn't include you. Couples cannot spend 24/7 together, it isn't healthy.
And if your hubby is working all kinds of hours, you have to ask yourself why, b/c a work aholic isn't healthy either. If he's workign that much, something is wrong, meaning, things are never ever going to replace the time your missing together.
Life is way to short to miss out on all this stuff...
live life to it's fullest, get off your duffs and do something different with each other and for each other...and never ever fear saying, I'm happy being married and letting your spouse know that, by telling them, a little reinforcement and acknowledgement once in awhile thanking them for giving so much to you, might really lift their spirits. Tell them, "Honey, YOU are the best part of my DAY!"
ahhh, and there are the magic words...."give a person the chance away from his/her spouse and they will almost always say they wish something were better.
I don't want anyone to take offense, but right now, I'm talking to the women...
I've heard so many of us say...He's my best friend...our marriage is really working, but think about it, you don't have to respond, how many of us women, really, really have concerned ourselves with what he wants or his desires to accomplish something.
I don't know how many women (or men) really give a hoot when it comes to their partner's dreams, goals, etc, in general. I do know that generalizing personal experiences and world-views is something I try to avoid. As far as people I know- my best friend is married and she has an excellent marriage. And yes, she is supportive of her husband's dreams and they're taking risks right now for those dreams, in a falling economy, most would probably avoid. He's trying to start his own production company.
For me, my husband is a f/t student, so I support him not only emotionally, but financially, so that he can realize his dreams. Again, in this economy it's risky and a tad scary, but it's totally worth it for me. I have other girlfriends that do just as well by their husbands. So, in my world I don't run into the scenerios/type of women/people you note to a large degree. To reiterate, though, I don't believe my experiences are the norm either.
eta: and this reminds me of magnet we have on our fridge, stating - "It's never too late to be what you might have been"
Unsuccessful Marriage= Marrying the wrong person, like my first marriage! Now, this "wrong person" thing can come either before or after the wedding. Mine came after the wedding, but I SHOULD have known this shortly after I met the lady. But, instead I was in "Goo-Goo Land" over her looks. She had a knock-out body in a swimsuit and me......the skinny "farm boy" look. I was actually working as an EMT/Ambulance Driver and she thought the uniform I wore on the job was total HOT looking (and told me that). We pretty much came from two very different upbringings/lifestyles. She was a "beach" girl and I was the old former "country hick" farm boy. Her mom, dad, sister, brother lived in a real upscale area and my family were farmers. Marriage lasted less than a year and ended in an Annulment.
Yes, unsuccessful marriages can/and do happen from marrying the wrong person. Sometimes we even KNOW it's the wrong person, but marry anyway! Other times, we find out it's the wrong person because of how they act after marriage. Then, there are the marriages like I have now......loving, caring and understanding. Yes, there are difficult times, but we know how to say "I'm sorry", kiss and make up. Of course, what also helped us was that we both hated single life and were very much "marriage minded".
Unsuccessful Marriage= Marrying the wrong person, like my first marriage! Now, this "wrong person" thing can come either before or after the wedding. Mine came after the wedding, but I SHOULD have known this shortly after I met the lady. But, instead I was in "Goo-Goo Land" over her looks. She had a knock-out body in a swimsuit and me......the skinny "farm boy" look. I was actually working as an EMT/Ambulance Driver and she thought the uniform I wore on the job was total HOT looking (and told me that). We pretty much came from two very different upbringings/lifestyles. She was a "beach" girl and I was the old former "country hick" farm boy. Her mom, dad, sister, brother lived in a real upscale area and my family were farmers. Marriage lasted less than a year and ended in an Annulment.
Yes, unsuccessful marriages can/and do happen from marrying the wrong person. Sometimes we even KNOW it's the wrong person, but marry anyway! Other times, we find out it's the wrong person because of how they act after marriage. Then, there are the marriages like I have now......loving, caring and understanding. Yes, there are difficult times, but we know how to say "I'm sorry", kiss and make up. Of course, what also helped us was that we both hated single life and were very much "marriage minded".
Your pissing me off
....I'm going to tell you a story...a long time ago, while working as an office manager for a firm, the firm sent a new partner down to help take over the office. Our town was very small and very rural. He had me help him type up a speech he was going to present at town council...within his speech he has written, this are is a very small farm town run by farmers who only want to work when they have to. Well, I was livid....I grew up with farmers...and they were harder physical labor workers then I've ever known. So I went into his office, slammed his speach down on his table and began to give him a what for, telling him, your talking about me here, and I can promise you, if you dare repeat these words, they will escort you out. How Dare YOU!!!!!
He changed his speech...
my point....you have allowed the judgement of others to sterio type you...I've been reading you for a long long time now, you have a very successful marriage, your laid back, kind hearted and see a bigger picture then most. You know when to discuss and when to listen...that's a hell of a site more then I can give some people on this board. You don't ram your opinions and beliefs down the throats of others, and you know when to listen.
Dude, in my eyes, your much much more then you give yourself credit for and I never ever want to hear you say again...your beneath someone else b/c your a farm boy....your marriage didn't break up due to you being a farm boy...
so stand up tall and be proud of who you are and where you came from...I am...and I shoveled a lot of poop in my time....LOL a person is who they are and does what they have to do...which is a lot more then some people today. Welfare, sheeesh?????
#1. There are very few marriages, where both the partners are satisfied fully. Go around and make a small survey. The results may look shocking but they are true. Everyone has one or the other complain about the married life.
I guess many spouses think the grass is greener on the other side. They think their neighbors spouse is better than the model they have a home and want to be with another. Why do you think people swing.
It just seems common place to say your marriage sucks even if it doesn't. It's all about fitting in with the crowd. If you say your marriage is great, then everyone thinks your lying or you get looked at funny.
I wouldn't worry about what others think, as long as you feel fulfilled...who cares what others think, would you look to them for approval for your feelings?
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