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Ok, this is going to sound really bad...and I think it is. My SO and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I have no children, and he has a 13 y/o son. I love the kid, but man, he really gets on my nerves. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I am REALLY dreading him coming for a visit.
A little background. When we first met, we were next door neighbors. I knew about his son (obviously), as he and his ex-wife had a very good visitation situation (every other day and every other weekend). He really is a good kid. Doesn't act up, doesn't back talk, gets good grades, and is very respectful.
The first year that we were together, I adjusted very well to having him around (so I thought). So just under a year ago, we moved away from him (from Indy to NC), and I found myself very happy to be getting away b/c I was getting to where I only really could handle small doses of him.
Now that we've been away for almost a year, the "doses" have gotten even smaller!
The biggest issue that I have, is that he talks...a lot...and very loud, and...has no concept of personal space. The personal space thing is the biggest issue for me. I am a big fan of having my own space, and not having anyone getting into it. (I call it my purple circle, lol)
Anyway, anyone else know what I'm going through here? What are some things that I can do to maybe open myself up again? The bad thing is, I KNOW that I'm being selfish and that I shouldn't be having these feelings, but I just can't make them go away!
You are fine.
People have become very rude and inconsiderate of others.
I too, am a person who likes his space. I don't want people messing with my stuff.
Even my wife and I have issues about stuff like having the kids and everyone in our bed. It's our room, our bed. I don't want to come home from work and find a child in MY spot. Even though she knows I don't like this she does it anyway.
You are fine. Other people have lost all respect for other's.
I hope this kid doesn't sense how you feel about him.
Maybe he gets annoyed with you as well?
You're going to just have to deal with it. After all, it's your SO's son!
I'm sure I probably do, lol! We all can get on each other's nerves every once in a while.
I never let him see when I'm starting to get annoyed with him. I will normally just find something to do in another room. Laundry is one of my biggest safety nets so far!
Who knows, after having him around for a bit, it may get better!! Keeping my fingers crossed!
Don't feel bad about feeling the way you do. It took a lot for my husband to tell me how he felt because he thought I would take a huge offense to it. He loves her, but she just gets under his skin during this age and stage! I understood completely and was glad that he was able to tell me why he spent so much time away when she would visit. I was beginning to think it was ME. Granted, we have three children together (and 11+ years) so it may be a little easier for us to just come out and say what we are thinking.
If the kid was younger, say a toddler, and he was around all the time, I would say you really need to come to terms with his personality and "just deal with it". But, in another year or two his personality will change drastically and may be something you can handle better. And, a couple years after that he will be an adult, so it the relationship dynamics will change again. I definitely wouldn't leave your SO.
People have become very rude and inconsiderate of others.
I too, am a person who likes his space. I don't want people messing with my stuff.
Even my wife and I have issues about stuff like having the kids and everyone in our bed. It's our room, our bed. I don't want to come home from work and find a child in MY spot. Even though she knows I don't like this she does it anyway.
You are fine. Other people have lost all respect for other's.
Glad to know someone else feels my frustration with that whole personal space thing. He's a very "close talker" too, if you know what I mean. I find myself ALWAYS trying to find something or someone to put in between us so that he's not right on top of me when he talks to me. His father has mentioned that to him several times, b/c he does it to everyone, but it's not gotten any better. I've tried to hint around to him that he's a little "too close for comfort", but can't seem to get my point across, and I don't want to be rude/mean to him about it.
Don't feel bad about feeling the way you do. It took a lot for my husband to tell me how he felt because he thought I would take a huge offense to it. He loves her, but she just gets under his skin during this age and stage! I understood completely and was glad that he was able to tell me why he spent so much time away when she would visit. I was beginning to think it was ME. Granted, we have three children together (and 11+ years) so it may be a little easier for us to just come out and say what we are thinking.
If the kid was younger, say a toddler, and he was around all the time, I would say you really need to come to terms with his personality and "just deal with it". But, in another year or two his personality will change drastically and may be something you can handle better. And, a couple years after that he will be an adult, so it the relationship dynamics will change again. I definitely wouldn't leave your SO.
You're right about the change in them! I've been seeing it in him with quite a few other things. I'm sure this, too, will pass.
I was really starting to think that I was this horrible girlfriend/fiance, whatever, for not having more...patience...I guess. I have even been told by many friends that it's normal, and many others go through it. I never really believed them b/c...well...they're my friends, so they're not likely to say much that they think may hurt my feelings, and b/c none of them have been through it themselves. It's always someone else adapting to their child(ren).
I figured I could get pretty straight forward answers by posting here, since I don't have a "relationship" with any of you guys.
Well he's thirteen years old, I'd think that he's old enough to now appreciate the concept of personal space. If anything, your s/o ought be running interference and keeping his son a respectful distance away from you. And your s/o should be planning activities of just the two of them doing some quality father/son male bonding time. After all, it's your s/o's son, not yours... so it's your s/o's job to keep HIS son entertained for the month. And since the son usually lives with his mom, it's not as if for the month, you need to be his replacement mom.
Anyway, good luck and make sure that your s/o doesn't shirk his fatherly duties this month. I don't think that it's your job to have to overextend yourself to keep his son happy or to be his babysitter when your s/o is at work. Your s/o's son is his responsibility, not yours. I feel if the tables were turned and it was your child visiting, you'd be making the sole effort to keep your child happy (without any help from your s/o) and also keeping your s/o by making sure that he wasn't being annoyed by your child either.
You are going to have to put up with it if you want to be with you S.O. You'll just have to spend more time at the gym or going out with friends of your own is my guess.
I hope this kid doesn't sense how you feel about him.
Maybe he gets annoyed with you as well?
You're going to just have to deal with it. After all, it's your SO's son!
I see nothing wrong with this kid finding out that the O.P. is offended by his intrusion into her personal space and that she dislikes him being so physically close to her when he converses with her. If he is truly annoying to other people, it's long overdue for him to find out and for him to correct his behaviour. Otherwise, he will continue on his path of being annoying boorish child to being an annoying boorish adult, and nice people will shun him. It could even cost him a good job or a promotion.
My mother taught me the importance of being good company and a good listener. Learning good manners and etiquette is an important part of growing up. And his feelings will not be permanently crushed if he is told in the right way.
Honesty delivered with compassion is what's needed here.
You're right, it does sound bad. You not only married your husband, you married his kid too. He's your family now. So either suck it up, or do him a favor and divorce his dad so his dad doesn't have to be married to someone who can't cope with a crucial part of his life and they can both be rid of you.
Have you actually explained the "personal space" issue to the kid? You may not feel it's your place to "correct" him but sometimes it is, especially as pertains to your personal space. While you may not be the "primary disciplinarian" here, you're still an adult and an authority figure. Both he and you need to be aware of that and behave accordingly.
What exactly is your "personal space" anyway? Does he constantly stand 8 inches away from you? Or is he just in the same room with you and that's enough to get under your skin?
I see nothing wrong with this kid finding out that the O.P. is offended by his intrusion into her personal space and that she dislikes him being so physically close to her when he converses with her. If he is truly annoying to other people, it's long overdue for him to find out and for him to correct his behaviour. Otherwise, he will continue on his path of being annoying boorish child to being an annoying boorish adult, and nice people will shun him. It could even cost him a good job or a promotion.
My mother taught me the importance of being good company and a good listener. Learning good manners and etiquette is an important part of growing up. And his feelings will not be permanently crushed if he is told in the right way.
Honesty delivered with compassion is what's needed here.
Wow, you've put a lot of onus on a 13-year-old kid, presuming he's physically close to her and that he's boorish and will become a boorish adult if he's not corrected. The OP has implied that it's just enough to be around him and she has to actually be in a different room to have adequate space from him. I have a different suspicion here about who is more likely to be the boorish one.
Sounds to me like she wanted to marry the man but not the kid. Well sorry, she married both so gets both. Expecting the stepson to just "go away" so she can have her "space" is not reasonable. She's a de facto parent -- a role she took on with eyes open -- and parents don't get to just banish children out of their "personal space" unless the kid literally is standing inches away from her all the time. If that's the case SHE needs to explain to him that she's not comfortable with that instead of fobbing that task off on her husband. That way the kid gets instant feedback about what is and is not appropriate instead of having to reflect back and speculate.
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Granted, we have three children together (and 11+ years) so it may be a little easier for us to just come out and say what we are thinking. 
