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Ah, so she's not married to the father. Nonetheless she wants to be with him bad enough to live with him and move halfway across the country with him. But not enough to put up with his kid.
But since they're not married... now would be an excellent time to re-evaluate the relationship with this man and his son. Because for better or worse, they are a package deal. In a perfect world, the three of them will be able to reach a mutual accommodation.
Wow, you've put a lot of onus on a 13-year-old kid, presuming he's physically close to her and that he's boorish and will become a boorish adult if he's not corrected. The OP has implied that it's just enough to be around him and she has to actually be in a different room to have adequate space from him. I have a different suspicion here about who is more likely to be the boorish one.
Sounds to me like she wanted to marry the man but not the kid. Well sorry, she married both so gets both. Expecting the stepson to just "go away" so she can have her "space" is not reasonable. She's a de facto parent -- a role she took on with eyes open -- and parents don't get to just banish children out of their "personal space" unless the kid literally is standing inches away from her all the time. If that's the case SHE needs to explain to him that she's not comfortable with that instead of fobbing that task off on her husband. That way the kid gets instant feedback about what is and is not appropriate instead of having to reflect back and speculate.
There are a lot more annoying 13 year olds in public than annoying adults. I don't know why you'd want to ASSume that it's totally the O.P.'s fault or imply that it's her imagination that this kid has a problem with relating to people. In fact, in the last month, I've had to deal with a couple of boys his age that really needed an adult to give them some quality attention and to actually say no to their requests. The other adults I was with all were in agreement that these kids needed their parents to be firmer with them and not be their peers or friends. Children need to know that they are not equal to adults, and to respect the adults they come in contact with and not suffer diarrhea of the mouth.
Yes, the O.P. married a man with a son, and she does have to accept that. However, there is no reason for her to be a doormat to the son. And I'm sure that her husband's ex doesn't want the O.P. spoiling or pampering the son like it's some competiton for which parent is more fun or tolerant to be with.
There are a lot more annoying 13 year olds in public than annoying adults. I don't know why you'd want to ASSume that it's totally the O.P.'s fault or imply that it's her imagination that this kid has a problem with relating to people. In fact, in the last month, I've had to deal with a couple of boys his age that really needed an adult to give them some quality attention and to actually say no to their requests. The other adults I was with all were in agreement that these kids needed their parents to be firmer with them and not be their peers or friends. Children need to know that they are not equal to adults, and to respect the adults they come in contact with and not suffer diarrhea of the mouth.
Yes, the O.P. married a man with a son, and she does have to accept that. However, there is no reason for her to be a doormat to the son. And I'm sure that her husband's ex doesn't want the O.P. spoiling or pampering the son like it's some competiton for which parent is more fun or tolerant to be with.
I didn't assume anything. the OP told us she has was glad to move away from him, can only handle small doses of him, has his dad keep him occupied so he's elsewhere, and has to leave the room to get her adequate "personal space" from him. That is not a reasonable expectation of "personal space" from an immediate family member or someone who should be treated as one. It's not exactly a big leap of faith I've made here.
Oh, and here's a newsflash: nearly all 13-year-old kids are annoying. Especially boys. If she expects him to behave like an adult with all the mannerisms and nuanced communication abilities of an adult, she should go her own way until he's 25 and then shack up with his dad again. She's even said he's one of the most well-behaved kids she's ever known and even that's not good enough for her. And she's never said he has a problem relating to others. What she has said is that she has a problem relating to him.
So once again, I fail to see why all the onus gets put on the kid's shoulders and none on hers. Especially in light of how she never actually tells him when he's being annoying or invading her personal space, whatever her personal space is. So what, is the kid supposed to divine how to act and what is appropriate conduct? What 13-year-old kid intuitively knows what is and what is not appropriate conduct? I haven't met one yet who does. When does she finally take some of the responsibility for letting this go on without doing something about it except occasionally mentioning something about it to her SO, and even then not letting him know how much it bothers her? When is she expected to be grown-up enough to actually deal with the situation instead of running away to go do something else just to be away from him? She needs to take responsibility for her role in exacerbating the situation by steadfastly refusing to communicate the issue to the kid or his dad and by running away to go do something else somewhere else rather than confronting it.
At the end of the day, is it sounds like this woman is not ready to have a 13-year-old in her life. That doesn't make her a bad person; I don't know a lot of people who actually enjoy having teenagers around except maybe their own parents. And even then it's no sure bet. So no, the OP is probably not an awful human being. And let's face it, not a lot of people are ready to have an instant dose of that much upheaval in their lives.
But if she's not ready for that, she shouldn't have invited a teenager to become such an intimate part her life. But she has, and now she complains about him. Sorry Charlie, but I'm not incredibly sympathetic. Expecting a 13-year-old male who by her own admission is extremely well behaved for his age to suddenly be perfect and devoid of any annoying traits is unreasonable. The kid is 13, not 40.
Since your SO knows about your issues with his son, maybe you should just plan on spending time with friends and away from the house for the month he is visiting you guys. By thirteen, I am sure his son will pick up on your annoyance and that could cause hard feelings. Definitely do some things together as a family unit, but I would look into some sort of class or something that takes you away from the house for a good chunk of the day or plan on spending more time with friends. After all, he is coming to see his dad for the month, not necessarily you. For the record, as a mom of a 13 year old daughter that drives her stepfather INSANE when she comes to visit us (she will be here for two weeks next month!), it is OKAY to feel this way. My daughter would give her left arm to have some alone time with me for a month, and I am sure his son is the same.
He is staying for a month, and unfortunately, hasn't changed. We make pretty frequent trips back to Indy so that we can visit family, and actually JUST came back from spending a week there (less than a month ago). I just don't know what to do.
I would focus on how hard it must be for the boy to be away from his father, especially at that age.
Give the kid a break and try your best.
Your husband/BF would probably appreciate the effort very much.
Wow! If you two ever get married, and the child wanted to come and live with his Dad someday, that would be out of the question, huh?
Its one month! You have the rest of the year to have your "personal space." I say lighten up, and enjoy his company. If not for yourself, do it for your SO.
Ok, this is going to sound really bad...and I think it is. My SO and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I have no children, and he has a 13 y/o son. I love the kid, but man, he really gets on my nerves. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I am REALLY dreading him coming for a visit.
A little background. When we first met, we were next door neighbors. I knew about his son (obviously), as he and his ex-wife had a very good visitation situation (every other day and every other weekend). He really is a good kid. Doesn't act up, doesn't back talk, gets good grades, and is very respectful.
The first year that we were together, I adjusted very well to having him around (so I thought). So just under a year ago, we moved away from him (from Indy to NC), and I found myself very happy to be getting away b/c I was getting to where I only really could handle small doses of him.
Now that we've been away for almost a year, the "doses" have gotten even smaller!
The biggest issue that I have, is that he talks...a lot...and very loud, and...has no concept of personal space. The personal space thing is the biggest issue for me. I am a big fan of having my own space, and not having anyone getting into it. (I call it my purple circle, lol)
Anyway, anyone else know what I'm going through here? What are some things that I can do to maybe open myself up again? The bad thing is, I KNOW that I'm being selfish and that I shouldn't be having these feelings, but I just can't make them go away!
You need to do this man and his son a favor and get out of their lives. I think it's just awful that you feel the way you do about this young boy. I know you said you can't help it, but you really need to bow out of the picture if you feel this way. They will be much better off without you.
Excuse me...excuse me...when anyone has children, the children take precendence over anything else in our lives until the child has reached maturity and goes out to live on his own. If the marriage dissolves, the children are still a number one priority. Even if we get married again, the kids come first. If a child has behavior problems, the parents need to take ownership of their part in the problem: work to resolve the problem. This may mean delaying a parent's gratification in order to be there fully for the child. Family dynamics create behavior problems. If more people would postpone their personal pleasure and devote their maturity toward raising their children, there would be a significant reduction in this type of unfortunate problem with our children. And, no, it doesn't mean that we have to be 'hermits'. There are plenty of divorced folks who model being responsible parents. As a society we seem to be unable to separate instant gratification from being true to our responsibilities as parents.
Also, when anyone marries someone with children, the kids come first. Respect that!!! The kid would probably rather spend time with his birth parent than with the new person the birth parent married. A new parent can take his/her own vacation while the birth parent bonds with his kid. Respect that!!! The kid will be a part of his parent's life forever. If the step parent can't accept that, and support her spouse's relationship with his kid, then they don't belong together.
The behavior problem needs to be addressed by the birth parent. The step parent isn't a first party to the behavior issues. Who knows...possibly the reason the kid talks too loud and has boundary issues is due to emotional abandonment issues with one or both parents. We model what our parents modeled for us. Or, kids act out what was modeled for them by their parents.
It isn't easy to be a step parent. Do most people think about what it REALLY means to be a step parent? Probably not. Defining what a step parent is, and is not. should be part of the marriage vows. It's unfortunate that some step parents wind up resenting "the kid". Take the high road...support and encourage the relationship between "the kid" and his dad. And, take a back seat to allow this to happen.
Last edited by 'M'; 06-25-2009 at 10:56 PM..
Reason: edit
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My daughter would give her left arm to have some alone time with me for a month, and I am sure his son is the same.
