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I see your point. He seem like a really good man.
Although, I dont see your guy or in-laws as jealous and think perhaps when they see you making strides with your career, they may change their attitude, the fact that you already have doubts indicates a problem down the road. The horse thing, if he dosent get it now, he never will. And if its a money thing, he will probably nag in the future about what a money pit horses are.
As much as it may hurt you really may need to move on. Better now than when you have more invested.
Trust me on this. You really have to address this with your fiance before you get married.
It's perfectly fine to have divergent points of view. In fact, nothing is more boring than a room full of people who all agree with one another. At the same time, when somebody starts putting you down because of your degree (Or lack thereof), your background, or anything else of that ilk, then you really have to wonder about the relationship. Because reverse snobbery is just as bad as the real thing.
And if your fiance didn't say anything, I would read him the riot act. No, it doesn't have to be a confrontation with the parents. Just a few words of defense will do. And you have to let him fight this battle, because it's his family--not yours. Otherwise, you'll have the "whiny b****" label slapped on you for the duration of your marriage.
Back to the original question. Different backgrounds can really add stress to the relationship, and you've provided us with a first-class example. They can be definitely overridden, but you really have to have a strong relationship for it to work. By marrying you, your fiance is essentially leaving his family to create one with you, and he cannot succeed by keeping one foot in each.
This is probably going to be long. Help sorting out my reactions and feelings are much appreciated.
While I know this kind of scenario may be typical for the clash of cultures that often occurs with in-laws, I still find it extremely difficult to reconcile.
Background: I grew up with my mother and, while we weren't well-off, we had horses, and horses, along with grades were my total focus. I was a straight-A student and went on to get a bachelors and took a few years off planning to eventually go back and get my phd. In the meantime, when I was 25, my mother died and my younger sister, who was 13 at the time, came to live with me. I put off going back to school until she graduated, so I could focus on supporting her and the horses. She worked very hard, too. She graduated last month and her horse stuff is going extremely well. I went ahead and applied to get my MS in Criminal Justice, got accepted, and recently started classes.
About 2.5 yrs ago, I met a guy who had moved here from a small rural town. His parents moved here, as well. All three of them work in construction together and they do pretty well financially. We moved in together and got engaged about 2 years ago. He and his parents have adjoining property and cleared their land, built a barn for the horses, etc. (I did not suggest this; they just did it, which was really impressive) so that my sister could have the horses at home and wouldn't have to work after school, as she had been to pay the board. I can't say enough about how supportive they have been of my sister.
Here's the thing: there is this big culture clash that repeatedly gets in the way. Usually I'm fine with it, but last night I got really upset, actually. We were at dinner celebrating something my sister had achieved and I started talking about a couple of interesting things I'd read for my classes. His mom has always liked borrowing my psychology books, so I tell her I think she would love to read one of the books once I'm finished. My fiance's mom looks at me and says, "What I want to know is what are you going to do with that?" and she goes on talking about some girl whose parents paid 100k for acting school and the girl will be lucky to be making 20k/yr acting at the local theatre.
I laugh it off, tell her she's been talking to her son too much, and see that he's kind of smiling at her subtle implication that I'm wasting my time and money. Her husband changes the subject, asks my sister a question, and after my sister finishes answering it, she is obviously still thinking of the comment they made about my education. So my sister returns to the school subject and says, "There are a lot of things you can do with a masters in criminal justice." Gosh, I love that girl and on the same note feel awful that she felt she had to defend me.
I distance myself and just kinda hangout through the rest of the dinner. When we leave, the restaurant has locked the door, so I reach down and flip the lock and walk out. And hear my fiance's dad say, "Guess she learned that in criminal justice." OMFG! *deep breath* *ignore*
Anyway, here's the thing: I grew up in a household where a college education was a given. For us, it was the equivalent of a high school diploma. I never questioned if I was going or not. My mother was always supportive and told us we could be whatever we wanted to be.
My fiance, however, comes from an extremely rural area where people worked in coal mines, etc. His dad quit school after middle school and his mother finished high school. His dad is wonderful and gifted and I never look down on him, or my fiance, for not getting a college degree. But sometimes I feel that my fiance not only has written off education as impractical, but also *resents me* for my more intellectual interests.
I am not working right now. I quit my job in December to return to being self-employed in a field I don't really enjoy. And I've been looking for jobs in my field of interest, but I decided this was a good time to go ahead and work toward another degree and become qualified to do the work I want to do.
I spoke to my fiance a few minutes ago and told him I did not like that he supported his mother in subtly insulting me. However, he said he agrees with her - that what I'm doing is ridiculous, etc.
I'm really hurt! I know he has a disdain for education but I figure its my life to live and I don't care what his parents think, but having him back them up really disturbs me. I can see where it's coming from (the difference in values and upbringing) but it's still hard for me to be "ok" with. It is in these moments - and there are plenty of others - when I really wonder if I can be with him (and his family, wonderful as they are in so many ways) forever.
And it hurts! LOL Not to be too emotional... last night it just so made me miss my mum. So much.
yes, it does hurt and will for awhile, but understand, as you already stated, they are from a different culture.
Honey, you do not have to gain approval from them to be happy. You just continue on your life's path and do whatever makes YOU happy and don't ever try and please them. And if they bring it up again, do NOT defend yourself and ask your sister to please not defend you...b/c they will take it as an attack...Gosh, how dare they? I think what they're comment stems from is, and it doesn't make it right, but the women didn't go to college. Maybe to, there is a bit of jealouy going on, but remember, your life is YOURS, don't ever allow anyone to bring you down for a wonderful choice as you have made. You can never get to much education, and by the way, Congratulations for doing so.
Keep up the good work and forget about they're stupidity.
Trust me on this. You really have to address this with your fiance before you get married.
It's perfectly fine to have divergent points of view. In fact, nothing is more boring than a room full of people who all agree with one another. At the same time, when somebody starts putting you down because of your degree (Or lack thereof), your background, or anything else of that ilk, then you really have to wonder about the relationship. Because reverse snobbery is just as bad as the real thing.
And if your fiance didn't say anything, I would read him the riot act. No, it doesn't have to be a confrontation with the parents. Just a few words of defense will do. And you have to let him fight this battle, because it's his family--not yours. Otherwise, you'll have the "whiny b****" label slapped on you for the duration of your marriage.
Back to the original question. Different backgrounds can really add stress to the relationship, and you've provided us with a first-class example. They can be definitely overridden, but you really have to have a strong relationship for it to work. By marrying you, your fiance is essentially leaving his family to create one with you, and he cannot succeed by keeping one foot in each.
Totally agree with you....
please discuss this with him now and nip it in the bud, he has to put his parents on the right track, otherwise, if you don't, this will continue and get much worse after your married.
Just because they give you something, doesn't mean you have to sign your life away, and some parents feel if they give you money or other things, then they are allowed to interfer...
One other thing. My brother received his degree in theater 30 years ago, and has done quite well for himself. That's because success is about having the necessary tenacity, savvy, and work ethic. Yeah, some degrees give you a better salary starting out than others, but that advantage doesn't last forever.
There is something very fundamental that bothers me -- it's that belief, apparently held by the OP's prospective in-laws that education has no value unless it enables someone to make a buck. There are some students, however, who have other reasons, besides profit, to seek an education. Some want higher education for its own sake -- to be educated, enlightened, informed people with flexible minds. And what really drives me crazy is how some other people utterly fail to recognize any value in education other than as a stepping stone to earning money; worse -- how they see education as a "waste" of time and money if it does not immediately lead to a jump in income. Indeed, why would anyone "need" to study Hume or learn a foreign language or delve into nuclear physics when they can just open an auto repair shop and make a good buck? I don't look down on people without degrees -- but I really can't help looking down on vulgarians.
Of course, to some, education for education's sake is a prohibitively expensive luxury (which is a pity). However, practicality on the one hand and denying the non-monetary value of education on the other are two very different things. Not everyone can afford to go into studying Classical Philosophy full-time. But saying that Classical Philosophy is useless simply because there is no money in it, that studying it is a waste of time, and that people who do study it are dimwits or egomaniacs is something else entirely. Same thing with with having no interest in a subject and devaluing it as something worth studying by others. I have no interest in learning Sanskrit, for example -- but that's a long cry from making a sweeping statement that studying Sanskrit is a waste of time and money.
Some people have academic interests, and I am mystified by the fact that so many others -- like the OP's future mother-in-law -- somehow find it personally offensive and strive to make it an object of ridicule.
Welcome to the Out-law club! In-laws were put on this Earth to annoy out-laws -- join the club! His supporting his parents on this is not surprising to me in the least, men have trouble leaving mamma, if she's a good one -- if you truly love him but want to keep the in-laws at bay, first have a conversation with them specifically about how these comments offend you. If that doesn't work, move away with him and keep contact at a minimum -- like the good Book says -- leave and cleave, baby!
I spoke to my fiance a few minutes ago and told him I did not like that he supported his mother in subtly insulting me. However, he said he agrees with her - that what I'm doing is ridiculous, etc.
If this is really the case, that your fiance thinks what you are doing is ridiculous, then I would recommend breaking up with him ASAP. How can you consider spending the rest of your life with a man that doesn't support your dreams and passions? And if you have kids together, there will be fights over how to raise your kids.
My mother divorced my dad because they disagreed over what schools to send us to. He was all for us going to the same public schools he went to in NYC, but that wasn't good enough for her. With my stepdad, he was a fellow intellectual that agreed with her. While we were in NYC, we went to a private school. Later on, we lived in a suburb of Boston with a great public school system. I feel that my mom did the right thing by us.
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I know he has a disdain for education but I figure its my life to live and I don't care what his parents think, but having him back them up really disturbs me. I can see where it's coming from (the difference in values and upbringing) but it's still hard for me to be "ok" with. It is in these moments - and there are plenty of others - when I really wonder if I can be with him (and his family, wonderful as they are in so many ways) forever. 
LOL Not to be too emotional... last night it just so made me miss my mum. So much.
