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I've been dating my girlfriend for 11 months and sex has never been very good. It has been infrequent and uninspired. We both care for each other a great amount but sex has constantly been a source of anxiety. Background: I'm 26, she is 28. I have had a few LTRs with great intimacy but with no sex, I was a virgin until my current gf. I was a virgin for religious reasons which faded. She was sexually active since she was 16. Apart from the obvious disconnects she finally told me that the reason sex is the way it is between us is that she has always had a hard time being aroused and desiring sex when she has an emotional connection with someone. She has had a friend with benefits for the last two years before she met me, no emotional connection. Now that I find this out I feel like I'm at a loss, no idea what to do as far as encouraging that intimacy and desire. Any ideas?
I've been dating my girlfriend for 11 months and sex has never been very good. It has been infrequent and uninspired. We both care for each other a great amount but sex has constantly been a source of anxiety. Background: I'm 26, she is 28. I have had a few LTRs with great intimacy but with no sex, I was a virgin until my current gf. I was a virgin for religious reasons which faded. She was sexually active since she was 16. Apart from the obvious disconnects she finally told me that the reason sex is the way it is between us is that she has always had a hard time being aroused and desiring sex when she has an emotional connection with someone. She has had a friend with benefits for the last two years before she met me, no emotional connection. Now that I find this out I feel like I'm at a loss, no idea what to do as far as encouraging that intimacy and desire. Any ideas?
Aside from the obvious of leaving her a shrink's phone #, a rose with it on the bed tomorrow morning and getting the hell out of dodge? Not really..
If that's the way she is, then that's the way she is. Likely due to some trauma fairly far back. If she can't have both going at the same time, and it's not some cop-out, then that is what you're going to get. You either get to be the guy she hugs, or humps, do you want to stick around and find out which one you'll end up being as?
Thats my knee jerk reaction but she follows this admission up with "I'm trying to figure things out, I'm trying to change, just give me time" and if this part of our relationship were working I think she'd actually be marriage material. It's just a question of how long am I willing to wait around...do I give her another 6 months...another year.
Yep, sounds like she's had some trauma in her past. She started having sex rather young and, face it, fumbling around with teen-age boys isn't usually emotional or satisfying for the girl. I don't know why it's such a big thing for them to lose their virginity to adolescent boys who are just out for their own pleasure and aren't good at it!
Anyhoo, I guess all you can do is make sex special and romantic for her, with all of the trappings that would make a woman sigh. Candles, incense, champagne, rose petals on the bed, whatever you think she would love.
she finally told me that the reason sex is the way it is between us is that she has always had a hard time being aroused and desiring sex when she has an emotional connection with someone.
Well, granted I'm a man, but I can relate to this somewhat and feel that I can at least offer some insight into this mindset... For me it was always that I felt I can be more uninhibited with someone who I lacked a further emotional connection with. If I actually CARED about the person beyond the physical it got more complicated and the "respect" factor that I felt for the woman would hold me up sexually as far as inhibitions are concerned.....
It is a difficult issue to deal with for sure, but I can tell you that, at least for me, it has ZERO to do with past experiences, abuses, or anything of the sort.... If you want a theory to chew on MAYBE early exposure to porn in my early adolescence got it stuck in my head that sex is sex and love and making love is another thing entirely and I haven't been able to reconcile all of that.....
I don't know. I've never been one to examine the reasons, but rather find solutions...
If you want a theory to chew on MAYBE early exposure to porn in my early adolescence got it stuck in my head that sex is sex and love and making love is another thing entirely and I haven't been able to reconcile all of that.....
Thanks for the comment RB. Although you haven't reconciled that do you have issues making love with someone you care about? Is it enjoyable. Or even if you care about someone do you try to make it just sex.
I can't relate...I've never had any sex I thought was bad. But then I need some kind of connection other than simply the physical one. "Friends with benefits" wouldn't work for me.
I dated someone kind of like this. She liked sex without emotions. It was a purely physical act for her. I suspect their may have been some abuse in her past, but I never asked. I gave her time to work on it and offered to help, but after a while, I realized there was nothing I could do. It wasn't fair to me to be with someone with whom the sex wasn't that good and she didn't want to seek help. So I moved on. I think you need to do the same. If the sex isn't good and your partner hasn't been able to resolve her issues, then what else can you do? I think you've waited more than enough.
Thanks for the comment RB. Although you haven't reconciled that do you have issues making love with someone you care about? Is it enjoyable. Or even if you care about someone do you try to make it just sex.
I wouldn't say I have "issues making love" or anything, just that there's a more uninhibited side that I hold back because I don't want to cross a line with someone I care about...
With sex there is a broad spectrum from the very mundane to the very kinky and it's hard to gauge where people are on that spectrum and you don't want to come across as a sex freak with someone who is maybe a little more sexually "conservative" when you care about them....
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