Verbal Abuse (wife, how to, marry, women)

[Raj_USA]

I know I have mentioned this earlier, but I am caught in a situation I cannot understand easily myself , my wife and I have been having issues and I have been concerned more about her bouts of anger and verbal abuse to kids and to others around in family, not that I dont tell her anything, but her bouts of anger , frustration and verbal abuse to kids is a concern and I am worried as "Am I sleeping on this". She is not seeing a counselor nor telling me that she wishes, she is stay at home mom and does not work, she intends but cannot find one as the economy is bad. The issue I face is she telling my 2 year old, that she would beat him blue one day. I asked her what she meant, she did not reply, I said a person may think and then do one day , she said if that was the case then lot of people would have done a lot in this world just by thinking, but the fact is she cannot control her speech in anger. she would say things that my boy would not at all understand, but people around my wife, like for e.g me would feel more hurt and afraid. yesterday we were at a local restaurant and my son was very difficult to manage, he was wanting the glass of water which was filled and wanted to play with straw, my wife said to him she would hit him on his head and break the glass on his head, this was all verbal, my son hardly understands what she tells, I confronted my wife then and there what do you mean? she did not reply. I said I do not like such statements and it distrubs me, she feels she takes care of the baby 24*7 so she is stressed, but I have seen she telling things in anger to our 14 year adoped daughter to me to my mother etc, and she blames that my mother too abuses her. Today I said I am talking of our family now, your verbal abuse to our son and our family, that is cause of concern, Also if she says things like that in front of me what would she be doing at my back when she is by herself and the baby, I am very concerned....about future...

PS:-She does love the baby, takes good care of him too, but when angry talks with him in hurtful manner or threatens him. That is what confuses me a lot, is it a personality issue or something else?

[sms0511]

Originally Posted by Raj_USA

I know I have mentioned this earlier, but I am caught in a situation I cannot understand easily myself , my wife and I have been having issues and I have been concerned more about her bouts of anger and verbal abuse to kids and to others around in family, not that I dont tell her anything, but her bouts of anger , frustration and verbal abuse to kids is a concern and I am worried as "Am I sleeping on this". She is not seeing a counselor nor telling me that she wishes, she is stay at home mom and does not work, she intends but cannot find one as the economy is bad. The issue I face is she telling my 2 year old, that she would beat him blue one day. I asked her what she meant, she did not reply, I said a person may think and then do one day , she said if that was the case then lot of people would have done a lot in this world just by thinking, but the fact is she cannot control her speech in anger. she would say things that my boy would not at all understand, but people around my wife, like for e.g me would feel more hurt and afraid. yesterday we were at a local restaurant and my son was very difficult to manage, he was wanting the glass of water which was filled and wanted to play with straw, my wife said to him she would hit him on his head and break the glass on his head, this was all verbal, my son hardly understands what she tells, I confronted my wife then and there what do you mean? she did not reply. I said I do not like such statements and it distrubs me, she feels she takes care of the baby 24*7 so she is stressed, but I have seen she telling things in anger to our 14 year adoped daughter to me to my mother etc, and she blames that my mother too abuses her. Today I said I am talking of our family now, your verbal abuse to our son and our family, that is cause of concern, Also if she says things like that in front of me what would she be doing at my back when she is by herself and the baby, I am very concerned....about future...

PS:-She does love the baby, takes good care of him too, but when angry talks with him in hurtful manner or threatens him. That is what confuses me a lot, is it a personality issue or something else?

It's called Postpartum Depression, that is left untreated. Get her to a psychologist to have this confirmed. Her threatening to bottly harm the toddler is a HUGE taddle-tell sign of PP depression.

[Raj_USA]

How to do that? she is not doing it? not wanting to go to counselor or initiating it either , and she has anger and aggression issues from a long time

Originally Posted by sms0511

It's called Postpartum Depression, that is left untreated. Get her to a psychologist to have this confirmed. Her threatening to bottly harm the toddler is a HUGE taddle-tell sign of PP depression.

[yankeegirl313]

This must really have you concerned (and with good reason) if you feel the need to express your concerns here.
Take control of the situation. Go with her to look for a job. Mcdonalds is always hiring. It sounds like she needs to get out away from the house.

[Eresh]

No matter what the reason is, the fact is that you are worried about your child's safety (and have good reason to be). For your child's safety, take him out of her care until she can get some professional help.

[SGrey]

Originally Posted by sms0511

It's called Postpartum Depression, that is left untreated. Get her to a psychologist to have this confirmed. Her threatening to bottly harm the toddler is a HUGE taddle-tell sign of PP depression.

MAYBE it is PP depression. You made a quick judgment call without looking at a possibly contradictory fact he mentioned in his post:

"but I have seen she telling things in anger to our 14 year adoped daughter to me to my mother etc, and she blames that my mother too abuses her."

The real question for the OP is did the verbal abuse and threats start with their son or was it going on before him? You can't quite tell from what he said and if it went on with the daughter and mother, before the son was born, it is NOT PPD.

OP, I'm not sure what to tell you but I too would be worried to the point that I'll be honest, I would be thinking of removing my children from the situation. Talking to her about it isn't enough because you have no way of knowing what she's doing out of your sight. She could say she'll stop but you don't know that she will. You might suggest counseling, perhaps for both of you because she might be more agreeable to that but if she refuses you have very few real options.

I have heard people and parents use the phrase I will beat you black and blue before but it was never to a child that small. It is usually just a threat but when coupled with the other things you mention I'd be extremely concerned that one day, it is not going to be just talk.

[Raj_USA]

Sgrey you are right in your statement, she is in denial mode, I am really worried now. I had to meet the counselor at 12 10 pm today and she had a doc appointment for her sonogram at 12 45, I did not tell her that I was with counselor, she calls me at 12 15 and asks me where I am , her tone was rough, I said I will be at home at 12 45, (we have one car ) and I also have to baby sit so that she goes for sonogram, she just said to me rudely Ok , and you know I have to be there at 12 45 and I said ok, she knew I am at work, but did not ask me whether I am stuck with something imp or what. I also told counselor about her bouts of anger and frustration and her statements she makes and he is concerned and wants to see her at least once, but she does not say anything on wanting to meet counselor. its tough very tough. when I asked her after her doc appointment I am concerned looking at your anger and frustration in general, she tries to prove me wrong and says she did not mean it or I look it a way which is not at all her intention.

I am also worried that she may keep talking but one day may be out of anger hit him badly, when he was a year and a half she slapped him real bad and then kept crying most of the times herself.....She is not able to control her anger.....

Issues were there even before the baby was born pertaining to her anger, parenting and in general how she interacts when in conflict .

My son is also very active and keeps her occupied too. but still I feel her anger towards him and statements are not justified...

Originally Posted by SGrey

MAYBE it is PP depression. You made a quick judgment call without looking at a possibly contradictory fact he mentioned in his post:

"but I have seen she telling things in anger to our 14 year adoped daughter to me to my mother etc, and she blames that my mother too abuses her."

The real question for the OP is did the verbal abuse and threats start with their son or was it going on before him? You can't quite tell from what he said and if it went on with the daughter and mother, before the son was born, it is NOT PPD.

OP, I'm not sure what to tell you but I too would be worried to the point that I'll be honest, I would be thinking of removing my children from the situation. Talking to her about it isn't enough because you have no way of knowing what she's doing out of your sight. She could say she'll stop but you don't know that she will. You might suggest counseling, perhaps for both of you because she might be more agreeable to that but if she refuses you have very few real options.

I have heard people and parents use the phrase I will beat you black and blue before but it was never to a child that small. It is usually just a threat but when coupled with the other things you mention I'd be extremely concerned that one day, it is not going to be just talk.

[Raj_USA]

She is Masters in IT and has 10 years of IT experience, working at Mcdonald ? and also would it fetch enough to even put baby in day care( a good one) and live thinking that you are doing a job not meeting your resume and at the end of the day take home is too less. would that not add to her depression( a job not for her)

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

This must really have you concerned (and with good reason) if you feel the need to express your concerns here.
Take control of the situation. Go with her to look for a job. Mcdonalds is always hiring. It sounds like she needs to get out away from the house.

[SGrey]

Okay you left a lot out of your first post that is relevant information. You mention a sonogram. Is she pregnant again? That doesn't change the whole but is going to mean an even greater increased moodiness.

The way you say she slapped your son makes me think it was across the face. Not that slapping him anywhere is okay but still that is a big red flag when combined with the other things. He is only going to get bigger and get into more things that in turn are going to make her angrier. That she cried after doesn't mean anything. A lot of abusers do and I'm sorry but taking what you have said at face value, then she is an abuser who is only going to get worse with time.

Since she was doing it before he was born you're right, she does have some serious issues that are not going to get better without counseling. Serious counseling that she's going to have to work very hard at. But you cannot make her go. She's going to have to want to go on her own. If you walk out with the kids tomorrow she may (as often happens) beg and plead that she'll change and seek help. You cannot however give in until she's done so.

You and your children are in a dangerous situation. Perhaps it won't escalate to anything more physical but are you willing to take that chance and worse are you willing to let your children suffer emotional and verbal abuse all their lives? Living under constant fear and stress can get to the best of adults much less children. Make no mistake, it will have an effect on your children.

Personally, I would ask her to get help to the point of demanding it. If she refuses then yes I would leave with the children because I am not going to have them living in fear anymore than I am going to live in fear for myself or them. And that is exactly what you are now doing. You're afraid it is going to escalate. That's no way to live.

[Connecticut Pam]

Raj: Quite a coincidence I found your post on here about your wife and her verbal abuse of your children. Today, on the Dr. Phil show, he had two women who were beyond verbally abusive to their kids; actually really hateful and threatened them just about the same way your wife does your children. Dr. Phil said that these Mom's needed some professional counseling because they were taking all their stress and emotional issues out on their children. Another doctor on the show also said that verbally abusing your children can lead to the children actually having physical issues as they grow up. A child can develop an Ulcer he said from always being nervous that Mom is going to lose it and scream, yell and threaten.

Your wife does need help and I was so sad when I read some of the things she has been saying to your children. She is not acting normal and I think you should speak to her about perhaps getting some counseling.

It is difficult to be at home 24-7 with children and a home to take care of however, when you decide to marry and have children and a home then you commit to making sure both of those things are taken care of properly and done so with love. Your wife is frustrated that she can't find work and I get that but what I don't get is why she has to take that frustration out on the kids.

Talk with her; tell her you love her and you are concerned for her health emotionally and physically. Express to her your concern that her behavior will in time hurt the children as well physically. Good Luck..this is a tough one for sure!