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In all relationships, no one likes to feel like they've been lied to. Some people are just naturally more open than others and they feel like their being lied to if you don't tell them everything. But maybe you're one of those people who values his privacy so you wait for the other person to fully earn your trust. So while you think you're being honest, the other person doesn't. Some people dodge difficult questions. They crack jokes, they give vague answers or they just don't answer at all. And still others disclose more about themselves than the other person, more than that person really wanted or expected to know. But when you don't match their openness, they get offended.
Has anyone ever encountered this, how have you dealt with it, and did you or the other person feel like you were being dishonest? I bring this up because I'm a naturally private person. I take my time getting to know someone, building up trust and the more comfortable with them, the more I'll share. This seems only natural to me, but I've met people who were the opposite. They were completely open about themselves, even with people they barely knew. It's presented a problem because we had differing ideas of what constitutes dishonesty.
I can totally relate to this!
What I do is talk up about stuff that doesn't really matter to me and make no mention of what I consider private information. Just as an example: I might go on and on about that bad relationship from 10 years ago, but make no mention of how my current relatiohsip is going. The other person usually doesn't even stop to wonder about things I might not be saying.
I am too open, my husband is a pretty private person. Over our 11 years together, I have found that when I feel like he is not telling me something I want to know, I just come out and ask. If he does not want to tell me, I just deal with it. I don't think he is being dishonest, per se. We are just two different types of people.
I've dealt with people who are the "open book" personalities. Some have a hard time understanding people like me who aren't as open. They find it frustrating and at times I've been accused of dishonesty all because I chose to keep certain things private. I never looked at as being dishonest. If I kept things to myself, it was only because I didn't feel ready to share it with the other person.
If I kept things to myself, it was only because I didn't feel ready to share it with the other person.
In relationships sometimes the lack of readiness can be interpeted as a different level of commitment to the "couple" status. Everyone has the right to decide what to share, but sometimes the lack of sharing will drive the other person away. No one likes to feel like they are left swinging in the wind alone.
I'm open. I'm not an oversharer, and I'm not going to be open with you unless we're close and committed. But I've learned the hard way that I'm not compatible with intensely private people, overall, at least not when it comes to intimate romantic relationships. That kind of disconnect impedes intimacy, to me. If I'm going to lay it all out on the line with you, I need the same in-kind treatment. If you can't give it, you're not the one for me. Openness (or lack thereof) is, to me, primarily about trust. And I don't see much point in investing in a potentially long-term relationship with somebody if the foundation of trust isn't there.
There's nothing wrong with you if you're private (just like there's nothing wrong with you if you're NOT especially private). But the fact is, lack of compatibility in that area is likely to be a dealbreaker for people. Best to be with somebody who really "gets" that about you.
In all relationships, no one likes to feel like they've been lied to. Some people are just naturally more open than others and they feel like their being lied to if you don't tell them everything. But maybe you're one of those people who values his privacy so you wait for the other person to fully earn your trust. So while you think you're being honest, the other person doesn't. Some people dodge difficult questions. They crack jokes, they give vague answers or they just don't answer at all. And still others disclose more about themselves than the other person, more than that person really wanted or expected to know. But when you don't match their openness, they get offended.
Has anyone ever encountered this, how have you dealt with it, and did you or the other person feel like you were being dishonest? I bring this up because I'm a naturally private person. I take my time getting to know someone, building up trust and the more comfortable with them, the more I'll share. This seems only natural to me, but I've met people who were the opposite. They were completely open about themselves, even with people they barely knew. It's presented a problem because we had differing ideas of what constitutes dishonesty.
a person's life consists of "the 3 P's": that which is Public, that which is Personal, & that which is Private...
Public is basically open to the world-at-large;
Personal is what your personal life consists of, & shared with a select few;
Private is yours & yours alone, & generally not shared at all.
being "open & honest" is a positive thing, but crossing boundaries isn't.
I'm open about most things, somewhat open about others, and very private about a few things. It really depends upon the subject, the intensity or pain of a past experience, how comfortable I feel with the person with which I'm conversing, and whether I have someone else's privacy to protect. Sometimes, I think my discretion in disclosure can make other people think that I am somewhat aloof or not interested in them. But usually, I am open about enough subjects that I can overcome that perception if the conversation is long enough.
I find, too, that sometimes, when you are a more private person, when you do open up to a significant other or even just a friend, that connection seems even more valuable and can bring people closer. If I am acquainted with someone who doesn't really confide in me much, but one day, confides in me about something very personal, I then feel a stronger bond with that person because he/she trusted me enough to share a private part of themselves. And often, when you yourself are the person opening up to someone you care about, you feel more strongly toward that person as well, for allowing you to share your heartfelt thoughts or deepest fears.
I used to be intrigued by "mysterious" private guys...intrigued by the fact that they didn't let people in easily, and convinced that if they let me in, that must really mean something. I was fairly young. I learned eventually that that was a rather immature, overly romanticized way of looking at it, and for every brooding, closed-in soul who turned out to be a well-adjusted, if quiet and reserved, guy, there were about five who had seriously deep-seated intimacy and trust issues. Ick, not a good starting point.
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