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I have been separated for about six months from my wife after 2.5 years of marriage. No kids, no house, we dated for two years before marrying. Until just after the separation, we were also co-workers.
About a year before that, she first told me that she wanted a divorce. She said that I was being too stifling and that she didn't want to be married, wasn't "good at being married," etc. To be fair, I would definitely get jealous, but she would also not come home for several hours after work, regularly not answer her cell phone, etc.
She got increasingly hostile towards me over the months as a reaction to me being increasingly jealous, which was fed by her distancing herself more. For example, more than once, she actively avoided me at social gatherings where we came together. Eventually, after her avoiding me at one of MY friends' parties, I got so mad that I just left her there. She didn't come home until the morning and admitted that she made out with some guy that she had been flirting with and that they went to breakfast. After that, she saw the guy a few times, but it didn't go anywhere.
During this time, we started going to a counselor. It started to get better after a few months, but then we moved and stopped seeing the counselor. She started spending a lot of time with one of our co-workers. She would go for long dog walks and not tell me that she was really spending them talking with him. One day I followed her and they were walking arm-in-arm.
Around all this happening, she would fairly regularly tell me that she hated me, that she didn't love me anymore, I wasn't her best friend, and other things that I believe she said to cause me as much pain as possible. We were still working together and with our work it is common for co-workers to go out after work, but I wasn't allowed to do so because she said I was just going to keep tabs on her. There was probably some truth to that, but I also was trying to get the relationship going again and if I never saw her, that seemed difficult.
In the counseling, she would also often say that she didn't think she wanted to be married (to anyone, not just not married to me) and that she just has a roving eye and doesn't like relationships after four years or so.
Eventually, one night, she didn't come home. The next morning we had counseling and on the way there, she admitted that she had sex with the co-worker the previous night. I was devastated.
After all of the stuff I had been through, I told her that was the last straw and that I couldn't take any more of this, so the focus of counseling, which we continued for a month or two, was to talk through why we were getting divorced and why we weren't right for each other. I wanted to have the least amount of emotional baggage as possible. She moved out about a month after she had sex with that guy and the counseling stopped about a month or so after that.
Well, since then, she got bored with the guy she cheated on me with, dated someone else, got bored withhim, re-ignited an old flame from college, and got bored with him.
Now, six months after she moved out, she wants to get back together.
I am having a hard time figuring out what questions I should be asking myself to determine what the right thing to do is. Through this whole process, I have been afraid of being too quick to end things. Everyone says that marriages are hard work and maybe I was being lazy. But I really don't think so. I was the only one trying to make it work for at least six months to a year.
She's saying that she has changed and wants to be more open and forthcoming with how she is feeling, instead of bottling things up, but I just wonder if this is just another phase and then I will be tossed aside again.
Lastly, I am moving away to go to school very soon and it would be quite complicated if she moved to where I was. I can't even imagine us living together.
What do you think? Is this nagging feeling that I should do more for the marriage just me not being able to let go/make a clean break? Or is it that I can now patch up the marriage and we will live happily ever after?
Thanks for reading and sorry it was SO long! I really would appreciate any feedback you can offer.
After she gets tired of effing around now she wants you back? I don't think so bud. Kill her with kindness and tell her thanks but no thanks. A cheater will be always a cheater and I don't think you would want to leave your life wondering what she's doing, huh? Obviously counseling didn't work so it would be best if you just move on.
My two cents.
After a year of marriage she started messing around on you. Now 2 years and a few guys later she wants you back. She has been telling you for awhile she doesn't want you and wants something else. If you take her back next time this happens there's no one to blame but yourself. The nagging feeling is the desire to be with your wife a normal feeling. In my opinion too many people get divorced too quickly but in this situation I'd say move on and get divorced. You have had a one sided marriage for awhile and can't live like that.
I'm in a similar situation and the best thing to do is move on. Everyone I know said the same thing (don't end it until you are certain), I'd tell them the situation and they'd understand I wasn't ending it. I'll tell you now it sucks but just hang out with friends and family constantly and keep busy and you will get past it. Your wife made the decision that she wants a divorce and wants to be with other people, you have to accept that. Right now she's just saying she wants you back because the other guys didn't work out, but the next time she sees someone she likes you'll be the last person on her mind.
She didn't come home until the morning and admitted that she made out with some guy that she had been flirting with and that they went to breakfast. After that, she saw the guy a few times, but it didn't go anywhere.
After this, why are you still around? Get out now before it's too late. And heaven forbid, don't make any little ones.
A lot of friends (and i ) have behaved this way, and have come to the conclusion that we like to have our cake and eat it too. She's done messing around, and now that she's bored and people are sick of her, she's ready to fall back on some sucker (you) to take her in. DON'T BE A SUCKER!
She thought she could do the good ole trade up for a better prize and realized she couldn't. C'mon, that hardly works out in real life.
Also, true, once a cheater always a cheater. Hate to admit it, but I cheat all the time.
I have been separated for about six months from my wife after 2.5 years of marriage. No kids, no house, we dated for two years before marrying. Until just after the separation, we were also co-workers.
About a year before that, she first told me that she wanted a divorce. She said that I was being too stifling and that she didn't want to be married, wasn't "good at being married," etc. To be fair, I would definitely get jealous, but she would also not come home for several hours after work, regularly not answer her cell phone, etc.
She got increasingly hostile towards me over the months as a reaction to me being increasingly jealous, which was fed by her distancing herself more. For example, more than once, she actively avoided me at social gatherings where we came together. Eventually, after her avoiding me at one of MY friends' parties, I got so mad that I just left her there. She didn't come home until the morning and admitted that she made out with some guy that she had been flirting with and that they went to breakfast. After that, she saw the guy a few times, but it didn't go anywhere.
During this time, we started going to a counselor. It started to get better after a few months, but then we moved and stopped seeing the counselor. She started spending a lot of time with one of our co-workers. She would go for long dog walks and not tell me that she was really spending them talking with him. One day I followed her and they were walking arm-in-arm.
Around all this happening, she would fairly regularly tell me that she hated me, that she didn't love me anymore, I wasn't her best friend, and other things that I believe she said to cause me as much pain as possible. We were still working together and with our work it is common for co-workers to go out after work, but I wasn't allowed to do so because she said I was just going to keep tabs on her. There was probably some truth to that, but I also was trying to get the relationship going again and if I never saw her, that seemed difficult.
In the counseling, she would also often say that she didn't think she wanted to be married (to anyone, not just not married to me) and that she just has a roving eye and doesn't like relationships after four years or so.
Eventually, one night, she didn't come home. The next morning we had counseling and on the way there, she admitted that she had sex with the co-worker the previous night. I was devastated.
After all of the stuff I had been through, I told her that was the last straw and that I couldn't take any more of this, so the focus of counseling, which we continued for a month or two, was to talk through why we were getting divorced and why we weren't right for each other. I wanted to have the least amount of emotional baggage as possible. She moved out about a month after she had sex with that guy and the counseling stopped about a month or so after that.
Well, since then, she got bored with the guy she cheated on me with, dated someone else, got bored withhim, re-ignited an old flame from college, and got bored with him.
Now, six months after she moved out, she wants to get back together.
I am having a hard time figuring out what questions I should be asking myself to determine what the right thing to do is. Through this whole process, I have been afraid of being too quick to end things. Everyone says that marriages are hard work and maybe I was being lazy. But I really don't think so. I was the only one trying to make it work for at least six months to a year.
She's saying that she has changed and wants to be more open and forthcoming with how she is feeling, instead of bottling things up, but I just wonder if this is just another phase and then I will be tossed aside again.
Lastly, I am moving away to go to school very soon and it would be quite complicated if she moved to where I was. I can't even imagine us living together.
What do you think? Is this nagging feeling that I should do more for the marriage just me not being able to let go/make a clean break? Or is it that I can now patch up the marriage and we will live happily ever after?
Thanks for reading and sorry it was SO long! I really would appreciate any feedback you can offer.
Are you serious?!?!
Dude!!!!? She cheated on you. Not once but plenty of times and then flaunted it in your face like...SEE?!
You should cut the ropes of emotion for this girl and NEVER look back.
Move on!!! Seriously!
Goodness gracious! How silly of a question this is. I cannot even imagine having an ounce of feelings for this gal after what she has done.
You need to go back to school and file for divorce before you do. Leave her in the dust. You will thank me when the dust settles and you realize what you were about to take back.
OP - Run away, don't look back...And Keep it in your pants anytime you are around her...
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