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Old 07-22-2009, 10:11 PM
 
31 posts, read 77,824 times
Reputation: 28

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To get right to the point. I met a guy on MySpace 3 years ago. For nearly 2 years consistently we have chatted over Web Camera. He lives in California, I live in Alberta so the distance is bad. We've never actually met because he can never get time off work and I can't go because of college. I'm graduating this fall and I want to meet him. It will cost me all the money I've saved up this entire year.

Sometimes I fantasize that we will have a real, normal relationship but we've never talked about this because he never brings it up and I'm unsure if it is premature talk although we are involved in a sexual way now.

So my question is, do you think that I've fallen into an illusion here? or could this be a great thing for my future? is it premature for us to talk about haveing a relationship? This situation is hard for me to calculate because my family and friends give me a biased opinion, they just want me to be safe and realistic but I want to take a risk.

Last edited by coltconrad; 07-22-2009 at 10:22 PM..
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Old 07-22-2009, 10:19 PM
 
Location: lala land
1,581 posts, read 3,290,062 times
Reputation: 1086
I say, have other options. See this as a fun fantasy relationship, not as the real thing. For all you know he could be lying about who he is, his age, his career, his marital status. Why risk your heart on that? You can meet men in your area over the internet just as easily, and they would be a lot easier to check out.

If you are going to visit California, visit California. Not him. Maybe schedule him into your plans for the visit, but don't make it all about him. Because if it doesn't work out, why waste all that money on a bad date?
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Old 07-22-2009, 10:28 PM
 
9,912 posts, read 13,866,440 times
Reputation: 7330
Quote:
Originally Posted by coltconrad View Post
To get right to the point. I met a guy on MySpace 3 years ago. For nearly 2 years consistently we have chatted over Web Camera. He lives in California, I live in Alberta so the distance is bad. We've never actually met because he can never get time off work and I can't go because of college. I'm graduating this fall and I want to meet him. It will cost me all the money I've saved up this entire year.

Sometimes I fantasize that we will have a real, normal relationship but we've never talked about this because he never brings it up and I'm unsure if it is premature talk although we are involved in a sexual way now.

So my question is, do you think that I've fallen into an illusion here? or could this be a great thing for my future? is it premature for us to talk about haveing a relationship? This situation is hard for me to calculate because my family and friends give me a biased opinion, they just want me to be safe and realistic but I want to take a risk.
2 years of constant talk on webcam is a long time for him not to have brought up the idea of a meeting and made some genuine effort to follow through.

If you want to take a risk then by all means do if you feel it's something you want to explore further but make it a calculated risk AND make sure you're safe and you have a fall back plan.

I agree with Liz, if you're going to go to California, do it for yourself and plan a great adventure that doesn't revolve around what he does or doesn't do.

Tell him you're planning a trip and see what he says. If he's excited and willing to negotiate some plans with you fine and good but if you discover he comes up with reasons he can't meet up then I'd say he's happy with the status quo.
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Old 07-22-2009, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Iowa
85 posts, read 316,302 times
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If you have known each other for three years and never met, it's an illusion. It doesn't seem like this is something he wants, or he would have brought it up by now. When someone wants to be with you, they want to go through whatever they can to get there. I know this because I actually quit my job, changed schools, and drove 2500 miles to marry my husband.
If you want to meet this guy, great. Meet him. But do as others suggested and don't make him the focus of your trip. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't waste any more serious breath on this guy. Because I certainly expect any guy I make that kind of time with to be seriously in love with me and letting me know it.
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Old 07-22-2009, 11:28 PM
 
31 posts, read 77,824 times
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@LizCab44 - That sounds like a good idea.

@moonshadow - He has brought it up, but it always seems to be up to me to visit him. I've offered to finance his trip to see me but he can never make time, I find that odd.

@TheFarmer'sDaughter - I have been thinking the same thing in the back of my mind now for the past few months. I am surprised he hasn't shown more initiative.
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Old 07-22-2009, 11:35 PM
 
Location: The Mango Tree
2,115 posts, read 5,018,744 times
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Sorry, but I don't understand relationships where you've NEVER been face-to-face with the other person. How can you fully get the grasp of who this person is if you've never physically spent time together (and even then, sometimes you don't find out who the person is).

I'm not saying to completely ditch the guy but don't get your hopes up. Be prepared for whatever happens.
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Old 07-22-2009, 11:44 PM
 
9,912 posts, read 13,866,440 times
Reputation: 7330
Quote:
Originally Posted by coltconrad View Post
@moonshadow - He has brought it up, but it always seems to be up to me to visit him. I've offered to finance his trip to see me but he can never make time, I find that odd.
Ok, well to be honest, having met up with someone from the Internet on more than one occasion if you're not feeling like an equal exchange is going on (and from what you're saying here that seems to be the case) I'd heed your warning bells.

Ask him outright the things you want to know and if he doesn't have a plausible explanation then I'd be rethinking how much effort I was prepared to put in AND rethinking the whole relationship in general.

You can waste a lot of your life with vagaries.

Speaking from personal experience when a guy likes you, enjoys your company and wants to meet up he does and he doesn't expect you to do all the organizing, travelling and bearing the burden of expense either.
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Old 07-23-2009, 12:46 AM
 
Location: USA
11,169 posts, read 10,628,390 times
Reputation: 6381
Quote:
Originally Posted by coltconrad View Post
To get right to the point. I met a guy on MySpace 3 years ago. For nearly 2 years consistently we have chatted over Web Camera. He lives in California, I live in Alberta so the distance is bad. We've never actually met because he can never get time off work and I can't go because of college. I'm graduating this fall and I want to meet him. It will cost me all the money I've saved up this entire year.

Sometimes I fantasize that we will have a real, normal relationship but we've never talked about this because he never brings it up and I'm unsure if it is premature talk although we are involved in a sexual way now.

So my question is, do you think that I've fallen into an illusion here? or could this be a great thing for my future? is it premature for us to talk about haveing a relationship? This situation is hard for me to calculate because my family and friends give me a biased opinion, they just want me to be safe and realistic but I want to take a risk.
Sorry, it's an illusion until you meet face to face. In-person changes everything. How are you involved in a "sexual way" without ever having been face to face? LOL - Cybering on cam? Phone sex? Sorry, that's not real. That's just a more advanced version of play than one would have by masturbating to a DVD.

Why would he want to spend his own money to meet you and arrange time off from work - you are already giving him what he wants. He doesn't have to leave his own home to get his jollies off and most likely has someone already. Sounds like you are his 'sideshow.' After 3 years, you've stripped yourself of intrigue and mystery. You already put out the 'goods' by being involved in a "sexual way." What's left??? Believe me, if a man wants to meet a woman and he wants to explore it - it won't go 2 years without it being spoken by him. Stop putting yourself 'out there' like that.
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Old 07-23-2009, 12:52 AM
 
Location: Tampa (by way of Omaha)
14,561 posts, read 22,973,589 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
Sorry, it's an illusion until you meet face to face. In-person changes everything. How are you involved in a "sexual way" without ever having been face to face? LOL - Cybering on cam? Phone sex? Sorry, that's not real. That's just a more advanced version of play than one would have by masturbating to a DVD.

Why would he want to spend his own money to meet you and arrange time off from work - you are already giving him what he wants. He doesn't have to leave his own home to get his jollies off and most likely has someone already. Sounds like you are his 'sideshow.' After 3 years, you've stripped yourself of intrigue and mystery. You already put out the 'goods' by being involved in a "sexual way." What's left??? Believe me, if a man wants to meet a woman and he wants to explore it - it won't go 2 years without it being spoken by him. Stop putting yourself 'out there' like that.
Good post.
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Old 07-23-2009, 01:09 AM
 
1,322 posts, read 2,407,900 times
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So my question is, do you think that I've fallen into an illusion here? or could this be a great thing for my future?

I go with 80 percent illusion, 20 percent reality.

Now here's my reasoning: 80 percent simply because you've never actually met the person. In essence, you are both role playing a relationship that has never really formed. You only get to see a small part of his life, and that small part could be his best side. Things that work out so well online seldom do in real life because there is so much, er, reality to life. You can't get that at all online.

20 percent because I know of several relationships that have worked out where the people met online, dated for a couple years, and then met. My best friend met his wife on some virtual reality chat thing, and they've been together for almost 7 years now.

is it premature for us to talk about having a relationship? T

Yes. I'll rephrase that, Yes, it is premature to talk about even thinking about having a relationship.

Before you do anything, safely meet this guy and get to know him. Take a friend along with you if you have to, but above all, be safe about it. Spend a couple days with him to see if he really is the person you met, and then gradually increase the time together until you feel like you can trust him. Once you get to that part, well, then you can talk about having a relationship. I would be very cautious about doing anything before then.

I think that anything's worth trying once, but that's just me. Ultimately, you have to make your own decisions.

Here's a couple ideas:

If he does want to meet you, have him pay at least half. You pay for the plane trip, he pays for the motel. If he really wants a relationship then he shouldn't have any problems helping out. (If I was in the same situation, I would have sent the lady enough money to visit me And get a place to stay, but again, that's just me.)

If you do meet, bring a friend that you trust. They may be able to see red flags in this guy that you won't see.

Talk to him about things.. you'll never know until you do. I say, be prepared. It may be that he's just "playing" around. I don't know, but whatever you do, just be careful..

I wish ya the best..
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