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I recently broke up with a girl I was seeing and I did so rather diplomatically. I didn't confront her; I sent her a letter in which I explained my decision to stop seeing her, but I was very polite and did not use any angry or bitter remarks.
I ended the letter cordially, acknowledged her good qualities, and wished her well.
A few days later she emails me agreeing we're not a good match and wishes me luck.
Then a few days later I'm going home from work, and somehow she pops into my head... and I realize I was perhaps TOO diplomatic in the letter, meaning, I didn't tell her in more detail or with enough assertiveness what exactly it was that she did that led me to end it.
oh well. live and learn. Right? Right.
Then I suddenly get a 2nd email... "sprawling, I would like us to be friends. you're right that we're not compatible to date, but you make a good friend. I really appreciated the honesty you showed in the letter. So can we be friends?"
I'm like... WHAT THE????
The irony of it all is that she had wanted to go 'slow' and that she wanted us to be 'friends' first.
So let me get this straight - we went many weeks being "friends" seeing if we were a good match and through it all she wasn't what I'd call a "good friend."
So I end it, move on, and she wants to be "friends" AFTER she hadn't been a "good friend" when we had been "friends?"
Her email couldn't have been more timely. I wrote back (politely, but more forcefully this time) basically telling her she hadn't been a good friend and that in fact she was unfair and b/tchy - so if that was her way of being my friend then, would she be any better of a friend NOW?
I told her to move on because I already have.
damn it, I'm usually not vindictive, but this felt so good. Ironic also considering I ended this relationship and when I end it I try to stay friends.
I recently broke up with a girl I was seeing and I did so rather diplomatically. I didn't confront her; I sent her a letter in which I explained my decision to stop seeing her, but I was very polite and did not use any angry or bitter remarks.
I ended the letter cordially, acknowledged her good qualities, and wished her well.
A few days later she emails me agreeing we're not a good match and wishes me luck.
Then a few days later I'm going home from work, and somehow she pops into my head... and I realize I was perhaps TOO diplomatic in the letter, meaning, I didn't tell her in more detail or with enough assertiveness what exactly it was that she did that led me to end it.
oh well. live and learn. Right? Right.
Then I suddenly get a 2nd email... "sprawling, I would like us to be friends. you're right that we're not compatible to date, but you make a good friend. I really appreciated the honesty you showed in the letter. So can we be friends?"
I'm like... WHAT THE????
The irony of it all is that she had wanted to go 'slow' and that she wanted us to be 'friends' first.
So let me get this straight - we went many weeks being "friends" seeing if we were a good match and through it all she wasn't what I'd call a "good friend."
So I end it, move on, and she wants to be "friends" AFTER she hadn't been a "good friend" when we had been "friends?"
Her email couldn't have been more timely. I wrote back (politely, but more forcefully this time) basically telling her she hadn't been a good friend and that in fact she was unfair and b/tchy - so if that was her way of being my friend then, would she be any better of a friend NOW?
I told her to move on because I already have.
damn it, I'm usually not vindictive, but this felt so good. Ironic also considering I ended this relationship and when I end it I try to stay friends.
LOL....maybe you needed that. And she needed the clarification.
i got a good laugh out of this one and enjoyed it myself
it doesn't sound vindictive to me, it sounded like clairification that was pertinent and timely
it's like someone recently who kept offering to do things for me and help me out and be there for me if i ever got sick, well then i did get sick and took them up on their offer and they wanted nothing to do with me. This was upsetting to me and I was hurt. Some months later, after I had not only gotten over the illness, but had time to think about the person's behavior, I asked them about it. I asked them, "When I asked you for help, what kept you from doing what I asked you?" The person flat out said it was just too much trouble for them. At least they were honest.
But the appalling thing was, in this same conversation where I expressed my disappointment, and the person said it was too much trouble, they once again said the exact same thing, oh baby if you're ever sick and need anything from me, you just give me a call, i care about you, im there for you blah blah blah. I was dumbstruck. The person has this idea of themselves as a really helpful person, and at the same time admits it's too much trouble to do what I ask. Amazing.
I put them in the category of likes to make offers that sound good but doesn't do what he says.
Then I suddenly get a 2nd email... "sprawling, I would like us to be friends. you're right that we're not compatible to date, but you make a good friend. I really appreciated the honesty you showed in the letter. So can we be friends?"
I'm like... WHAT THE????
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. She probably thought that there might be a chance that you'd both go back to square one and start again. Just my point of view.
Quote:
I sent her a letter in which I explained my decision to stop seeing her, but I was very polite and did not use any angry or bitter remarks.
That was very considerate of you. In my case, after a break-up, I'd rather prefer to have NC, till I can pull myself together. Then and maybe then, I can consider an ex to be just a friend. I guess, this entirely depends upon the person involved.
Location: somewhere close to Tampa, but closer to the beach
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Sprawling_Homeowner,
First off, im giving you a rep..and this is why ,And i'll apologize now if it takes a minute or two to get to the point..
Years ago id met someone i totally fell head over heels over..which as any guy might verify, rarely happens to begin with, at least from the start..anyhow,
Ive referenced in past threads here how she was my first real love, and that we were each other's firsts..and that the initial breakup was hell to put it lightly..
Now, while i was young and totally taken back by the level that id find myself feeling in the first place,..What was weird..if you may, was that a couple years after the relationship initially ended, we crossed paths again and had tried to rekindle a friendship..
During this time i was living in KS so all of our conversations were via the phone..
As time went on and we talked, it seemed as though she sent signals that we stood a chance at really giving what was abruptly ended a second chance..and i really felt that she was opening up and that we had moved past youthful mistakes..She'd even told me that when/if i was ever back home to find her and repeatedly that she missed me and that she really wished that i was closer..meanwhile after looking back on it all, i found that i really did love her..and i really wanted to share this with her
So, strange as it sounds, when fate did bring me back home..the first thing i did was attempt to contact her..and yes, i did drop in a couple times and leave a flower or two with a simple note saying "hey!, just thought id say hello..get back to me.." Id thought that what we had rebuilt while i was out of state was at a level that such actions on my part would be fine..
After not hearing back for a time, i decided to swallow my pride and write out everything i had kept to myself..which was something id hesitated to do in past relationships..just because i was too inexperienced and afraid of being rejected..I guess this time i was just fed up with it all and just pulled my you know whats..back down to where they belong..Especially since someone i briefly dated made it clear that a past friend was attempting to use me as her doormat..Had alot to learn back then..and im fine admitting that..lol Beyond hashing it all out, i dropped the letter i wrote in her mailbox and awaited the next move..if there was to be any..
After several weeks of silence, and out of the blue, i was handed the phone one night not realizing that it was my ex on the other end..Id moved on..anyway..
My initial thought was that she had something to say..and she did, just not anything i thought she would..She had reverted back to her destructive habits and additude in the time i had not heard from her.
So here i was listening to this voice attempting to ridicule and belittle me on the other end of the phone..just as she had attempted way in the past..
In that instant i had two choices: hang up and just "take it"..and NOT assert myself or let her have it..and stand up for myself..i mean if ever there was someone i should really stand my ground with, it was her..and the whole situation there..
so, and i'll admit that when i looked back on it right after, i might have said a few things differently..but in that moment, all i thought to myself was " ..are you really gonna allow her to attack THE place where she knows it will hurt the most??, or are you going to send the clearest message possible that you don't deserve that from anyone..including her??"..
Though i could have chosen some words a bit more wisely, i was tremendously proud of myself for how i chose to respond...It felt like someone had taken a huge weight off my shoulder and i could really close the book on this relationship..without doubt or regret for speaking my mind.
And yes, i told her that had things been different, there would be a ring on her finger..and that i was dissippointed that she chose to return to everything she had told me she broke from in the past..because id told her that i was proud of what she was doing to better herself..in the past..
Though i didn't marry this woman, the end result is that i got past any fear i might have had standing up to someone like her and that was the best outcome of all..
Now while this is a totally different example, the point is simple..a friend/ex or whom ever who plays games like this,..on any level, deserves what ever they get for their actions..and if that means being clear with them..don't ever be afraid or ashamed of standing up for what you deserve in a friend..or boy/girl friend..If someone can't respect you..give it to them.. And while a respectful approach is usually best, sometimes you must spell things out in lightning bolts..sometimes this is the only way someone will get the point.. Respect is something no one should need to apologize for standing up for..period
This relationship also taught me that in 99.99% of cases, ex'es should not remain friends. It is best to let them go and move on to better opportunities..when you linger, you aren't moving on.. be glad you did..
Well it seems that your ex likes you... But yeah a similar situation happen to me too. I had an ex, so we decided to stay as friends.
Unless the woman is a total b/tch or psycho, when I'm the one ending the relationship, I always throw out the option of friendship. No one ever takes it for whatever reason. With this woman, I had no desire for friendship whatsoever.
One would think that after the exchange of one's hearts, emotions, secrets, body fluids, that one would still want that person as a friend. But life has taught me that many women just can't go back to being friends. It's understandable.
As for her - her antics were so bad that before I decided to end it, I was questioning if I had any affinity for whatsoever, even AS a friend. I didn't. That's why I found it so liberating to let her go.
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j/k
