Keeping a marriage together (dating, wife, mother-in-law, how to)

[TexasRandi]

I am only 25 and as much as I am looking forward to finding the right person and getting married, marriage scares the bee-jee-bee's out of me!

With so much talk about divorce, older friends around me ALL divorced... even hearing about Jon & Kate getting divorced... I have to know from those who have been together in their marriages a LONG time, what has kept your marriage together? I'm sure there are a lot of opinions and words of advice on this so I want to know REAL answers, not corny answers from Glamour magazine.

[scarmig]

I married my best friend.

I married her *regardless* of sex, not because of it.

We had an 8 year courtship, two-year engagement, and have been together 10 years since then. I truly think the time before our marriage helped.

We set priorities together. And we work hard to communicate. And I don't mean hints. But real communication where you actually say what you are feeling, thinking, and needing.

We treat each other as partners, individual, but working together.

We talk to each other. We can be angry, and we'll just take a breather, sit back and prioritize, "How important is it really for me to 'be right'?"

Most importantly, we make sure we understand each other. If she says something, I'm not sure I got it, or understand the emotion behind it, I don't guess. I ask. I'll say, "are you angry? or frustrated?"

And one thing she taught me is that she doesn't always want to fix things. Sometimes she just wants someone to talk to about it, without me jumping up to get tools, proverbial or otherwise.

And good hug everyday, even when you don't feel like it.

[professorsenator]

[post deleted]

[cpg35223]

Okay. I'll tell you.

1) The willingness to make the other person's needs more important than your own, and the needs of the relationship to be the most important thing of all. NOTE: Both people have to have this attitude for it to work. Otherwise, you have one person who does nothing but give, and another person who does nothing but take.

2) The wedding ceremony is NOT the finish line. Dating and courtship is easy, relatively speaking. Setting up a life together, learning how to live harmoniously with another adult, is much harder. If you take a realistic attitude towards the enterprise and realize that you're forming a partnership as well as setting up housekeeping with the love of your life, it makes everything go much more smoothly.

3) Likewise, it's more important to be courteous to your SO, not less. To this day, if I ask my wife to bring something when she's coming downstairs, I say "please" and "thank you," for that's the language of gratitude. It also means calling if you're going to be significantly late, and anything else that might be inconveniencing. Trust me on this.

4) The S/O had family and friends before meeting you. Better be prepared to embrace them.

5) Conversely, nothing comes between you and your spouse. That includes your mother, your father, your siblings, your best friend, you name it. You'll be very surprised how, as you start your life together, people will try to drive a wedge between you and your spouse without even thinking, in effect wanting things to be just the way they were before you were married. Everybody makes mother-in-law jokes, but nobody ever thinks their own mothers are the other persons mother-in-law.

6) Money. Hey, there are starry-eyed idealist who think money doesn't play a role in a marriage's happiness. And that's true to a degree. For it's the lack of money that causes problems. That means having a budget, saving something every month, and having total, absolute transparency in where the money goes. And never bite off more than you can chew in terms of the house, the car, or the vacation.

7) Yours/Mine. The minute you start talking about "my money" vs. "your money," the marriage is over. Both your paychecks go into the same checking account. If you want your own IRAs or savings accounts, that's fine, as long as it's all equal. But the household gets first priority.

8) Kids. You love them. You would give up your life for them. But you love them differently than your spouse. They are guests in your lives who will grow up and move out at age 18. That means your S/O should always be the priority in your life. Otherwise, you've only got one foot in the marriage, when "All In" is the only way it's going to succeed.

9) Carve out at least 1-2 hours for your S/O every day. We've seen so many couples grow apart it's unreal. And it's because their lives grew apart through different interests, different friends, and their generally busy lives. Divergent interests are fine. But you should always remember who is the most important person in your life, and tend to his or her needs every day with attention. No matter how busy we are, my wife and I always talk at least one hour a day. No, we don't set an egg timer or anything. But we shoo the kids out of the room, and chit chat. It need not be something big, it just needs to be the gift of your presence and your attention.

10) Communicate at all times. If something your S/O is bothering you, be diplomatic, but don't hold back. What's more, don't just bring up problems, such as "You're always...." Instead, offer solutions by saying, "You know, I know you don't realize this, but I think you're spending too much time in your workshop lately. Is there something we can do together?"

10) Television kills more marriages than affairs. Think about it. You're marrying this incredible person, and then you spend your marriage looking at crap on TV? Have you lost your mind?

11) Take care of yourself. We are sexual creatures and, as I said on an earlier post, the wedding ceremony isn't the finish line. Yet some think that saying, "I do," means that they don't have to watch what they eat anymore. So they let themselves go for 10-20 years until they need as many line handlers as a Macy's Parade balloon, and then wonder why their spouse has started carrying on with the receptionist with the great rack or the good-looking sales rep. Because if you don't even respect yourself by keeping yourself fit, how do you expect your life partner to respect you?

12) Have interests outside your marriage. Be apart in your togetherness. Have your own friends, interests, and hobbies. For if you rely on your partner for all your entertainment and happiness, then you've just laid a crushing burden on them. Be a complete human being, for God's sake. It will make you more interesting to your spouse.

13) Have sex. Have lots of sex. Have interesting, varied sex. Fire the other person's imagination. Make the satisfaction of your spouse your utmost concern in the sack.

14) It's not all about you all the damned time. This doesn't really fit in one place, but it's a good thing to remember in just about any sphere of life.

15) Touch your spouse every day.

[stan4]

Everything scarmig said. Good post.

I think you also have to work hard not to start taking each other for granted. Be as polite and considerate as the time you first got together (where you were always trying to give a good impression). Try to be both physically and emotionally attractive to each other...even years down the road.

The most important thing, though, is you have to choose someone who is as willing to get on board with this gameplan (and what scarmig outlined). It takes two people to be in a marriage, and you have to be extremely picky about this. Do not settle. And watch for warnings signs.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by professorsenator

Two children and the willingness to put their interests first.

Well, it works for you. But the couples I've seen who live by that maxim wind up having very empty lives when the kids leave home or even have their driver's licenses.

Instead, I would say that children are very important, but the spouse is more important. Children leave, if you do your job as parents correctly, but your spouse is around for the rest of your life.

[nuala]

A lot of life situations, seen from outside, appear more horrible to the outsiders than for the people in the midst of it.

A man on the last 100 yards before reaching Everest, with frostbites. A woman 24 hours into the labor. An astronaut boarding the Shuttle.

A marriage is one of the "marathon" undertakings - you are in there for everything, - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Just like if you own a company, you are to endure lows and highs at the amplitudes not known to the workers you hire. The workers may look at you incredulously, "Why is he doing that? Why he's here 24/7, in this dingy building?" But, you can see the goal, and they can't.

Above all, as someone here has said, "You probably haven't met your love yet."

[TexasRandi]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Okay. I'll tell you.

1) The willingness to make the other person's needs more important than your own, and the needs of the relationship to be the most important thing of all. NOTE: Both people have to have this attitude for it to work. Otherwise, you have one person who does nothing but give, and another person who does nothing but take.

Thank you thank you thank you CPG!! So many people are telling me that it's supposed to be all about yourself and making yourself happy in order for a relationship to be successful, but I don't believe that friggin' bit!!! Happiness is making others happy.... and yes, many times putting THEM first! And I'm glad that I'm hearing this from someone who, I assume, is making a marriage last and not from someone on here who thinks they know what love and a happy marriage is all about. Yes, there is a certain degree to which you cannot count on others to make you happy, but I think it's just plain selfish (marriage or not) to only worry about your happiness. You can't do it all by yourself. :O)

Awesome post! Very inspiring!

[max's mama]

Well, I've been married for 7 years and together for 10. I'll be honest, we have our ups and downs, I won't paint a rosy picture. We went through stages of fighting, screaming fits, non-talking to each other as well as some amazing stages throughout these 10 years.

It will not sound romantic at all, but you need to be a politician when married. You need to know when to shut up, when to say something, when to be supportive or when to give space. It takes a lot of time and understanding and DIPLOMACY.

Of course, loving each other is important, but more important then love is UNDERSTANDING. It's very important to understand a person you live with. Understand her physical needs, her emotional needs, her needs to explore herself and you do that all without neglecting your own needs. And although I agree about making each other happy, you need to that so you are happy too. Just making your spouse happy while you are not happy yourself is not going to work.

Oh, and if meet a woman with an overbearing mother - run. Seriously.
Overbearing and overprotective Mothers in law could be the worst enemies of your marriage... Actually women suffer from that more then men, it's often mama's boys that women need to run from.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by TexasRandi

Thank you thank you thank you CPG!! So many people are telling me that it's supposed to be all about yourself and making yourself happy in order for a relationship to be successful, but I don't believe that friggin' bit!!! Happiness is making others happy.... and yes, many times putting THEM first! And I'm glad that I'm hearing this from someone who, I assume, is making a marriage last and not from someone on here who thinks they know what love and a happy marriage is all about. Yes, there is a certain degree to which you cannot count on others to make you happy, but I think it's just plain selfish (marriage or not) to only worry about your happiness. You can't do it all by yourself. :O)

Awesome post! Very inspiring!

You're welcome. I think the idea that one's own personal fulfillment takes precedence over everything else has to be the most destructive force in the universe.