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Old 08-04-2009, 01:09 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 7,933,212 times
Reputation: 3966

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I am so torn on this.

On the one hand, if DH argued with mutual friends of ours over something small, then I would not want to be dragged into it. If it was something big (and I didnt think DH was at fault), then it would obviously affect the friendship I had with them too.

The reason I ask is this; DH and I knew a girl through work when we lived in Europe. She was not well liked there, but DH knew her reasonably well as she was also an expat and she had a fling with a close friend of his.
I knew that she was not well liked by any of the expat crowd, or by her manager, but not wanting to be involved in office gossip I never really knew why. I thought she was ok, but only knew her at a work level.

Fast forward 6 years and we move and discover through Facebook that the girl now lives in the same city as us with her husband who we also vagually know from overseas.

She welcomed us to the city, introduced us around and was generally very pleasant.
Turns out that she met most of her friends online through a forum and she invited me to join it which I did.

Over the next few months it becomes apparent that on this forum she is very much top dog, and also very much the school yard bully, leading a bunch of people in berating 'newbies' and those who annoyed her. Insults include calling people fat and ugly, stupid, making fun of their posts and saying that she feels sorry for their husbands and children. She is also very funny and quick tongued which I think is why others allow it.

Apparently she sees it as some kind of social experiment to see how people react to prodding.

I handle it badly and start to stick up for the people being bullied. She now accuses me of being ungrateful for her welcome to the city and has turned on me. She posted posts of mine on other forums out of context in the hope they would be ridiculed. Thankfully no one seemed to find them ridicule worthy and she left the forum a few days ago having had someone she was fighting with on another board threaten to contact her employer. I am sure she will be back under a different name soon.

Obviously this friendship is no great loss to me although it will affect our social calendar, so while I am somewhat upset and shaken about it all, I am ok with it.

My problem is this; when she turned on me, she sent DH an email saying that we had fallen out and that she would miss his friendship. He has seen some of her bullying posts from the past and was not impressed, and basically didn't care if we had a friendship with her or not. I kept trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is very nice in person and I think the bullying stems from unhappiness in her own life.

DH has not responded to her email, and I guess I am unsure of what I am hoping he will do. Part of me thinks he should ignore it, part of me thinks he should respond pleasantly, and part of me wishes he would stick up for me! Not sure what to think.

Poor DH has been thrust into this foolishness and doesn't know what to do. I don't want to tell him what I think he should do, but I admit to be slightly disappointed that he hasn't stuck up for me.

If someone was writing crap about him online, I would totally tell them to take a hike. Thoughts?
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:23 PM
 
269 posts, read 875,984 times
Reputation: 162
I don't think anything beneficial will come out of him responding to the e-mail, I agree with him ignoring it is the way to go. You already said this will impact your social calendar so if he responds and she reacts badly and tries to pull stunts it will be a hinderance to both of you. If he responds and she takes it the wrong way then after things have calmed down you and her start talking again then there could be ackwardness. I don't see any real benefit to him responding other than it temporarily making you feel better, until of course she reacts to his response.

Do I think your spouse should stick up for you? Yes. Do I think he should do anything in this case, not at this point. If she sends him rude e-mails about you then yes he should respond saying that's my wife don't talk about her negatively or whatever.

My 2 cents is let it go.
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
1,714 posts, read 2,686,840 times
Reputation: 1514
Online schoolyard fights and real life probably don't mix well. I would abandon the board and this so-called "friend."
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:28 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 7,933,212 times
Reputation: 3966
Thanks SLippi. He just called and said he was going to respond to her, and I actually find that I don't need him to. Maybe I just needed to know that he would if that makes any sense!

She and I will not be friends again. The more I got to know her, the less I liked her anyway. I want to be friends with positive people who bring out the best in me, not bullies who bring out the worst in me no matter how funny they are in person.

She and I are done and it's fine. I'll tell him just to ignore and forgo the temporary satisfaction of him e.mailing her.

Thanks again.
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:30 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 7,933,212 times
Reputation: 3966
Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
Online schoolyard fights and real life probably don't mix well. I would abandon the board and this so-called "friend."
This is true too. I'm embarrassed to have been involved in it at all. We're in our 30s going on 16.
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:46 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 15,783,405 times
Reputation: 9150
Quote:
Originally Posted by SLippi View Post
I don't think anything beneficial will come out of him responding to the e-mail, I agree with him ignoring it is the way to go. You already said this will impact your social calendar so if he responds and she reacts badly and tries to pull stunts it will be a hinderance to both of you. If he responds and she takes it the wrong way then after things have calmed down you and her start talking again then there could be ackwardness. I don't see any real benefit to him responding other than it temporarily making you feel better, until of course she reacts to his response.

Do I think your spouse should stick up for you? Yes. Do I think he should do anything in this case, not at this point. If she sends him rude e-mails about you then yes he should respond saying that's my wife don't talk about her negatively or whatever.

My 2 cents is let it go.
I agree with this, but it looks like you got the answer you wanted.

On another note, I realize people want to be accepted to varying degrees. Popularity contests are a bit much, IMO, no matter where they take place but even more baffling on a message board.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,235 posts, read 44,891,154 times
Reputation: 11058
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
I am so torn on this.

On the one hand, if DH argued with mutual friends of ours over something small, then I would not want to be dragged into it. If it was something big (and I didnt think DH was at fault), then it would obviously affect the friendship I had with them too.

The reason I ask is this; DH and I knew a girl through work when we lived in Europe. She was not well liked there, but DH knew her reasonably well as she was also an expat and she had a fling with a close friend of his.
I knew that she was not well liked by any of the expat crowd, or by her manager, but not wanting to be involved in office gossip I never really knew why. I thought she was ok, but only knew her at a work level.

Fast forward 6 years and we move and discover through Facebook that the girl now lives in the same city as us with her husband who we also vagually know from overseas.

She welcomed us to the city, introduced us around and was generally very pleasant.
Turns out that she met most of her friends online through a forum and she invited me to join it which I did.

Over the next few months it becomes apparent that on this forum she is very much top dog, and also very much the school yard bully, leading a bunch of people in berating 'newbies' and those who annoyed her. Insults include calling people fat and ugly, stupid, making fun of their posts and saying that she feels sorry for their husbands and children. She is also very funny and quick tongued which I think is why others allow it.

Apparently she sees it as some kind of social experiment to see how people react to prodding.

I handle it badly and start to stick up for the people being bullied. She now accuses me of being ungrateful for her welcome to the city and has turned on me. She posted posts of mine on other forums out of context in the hope they would be ridiculed. Thankfully no one seemed to find them ridicule worthy and she left the forum a few days ago having had someone she was fighting with on another board threaten to contact her employer. I am sure she will be back under a different name soon.

Obviously this friendship is no great loss to me although it will affect our social calendar, so while I am somewhat upset and shaken about it all, I am ok with it.

My problem is this; when she turned on me, she sent DH an email saying that we had fallen out and that she would miss his friendship. He has seen some of her bullying posts from the past and was not impressed, and basically didn't care if we had a friendship with her or not. I kept trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is very nice in person and I think the bullying stems from unhappiness in her own life.

DH has not responded to her email, and I guess I am unsure of what I am hoping he will do. Part of me thinks he should ignore it, part of me thinks he should respond pleasantly, and part of me wishes he would stick up for me! Not sure what to think.

Poor DH has been thrust into this foolishness and doesn't know what to do. I don't want to tell him what I think he should do, but I admit to be slightly disappointed that he hasn't stuck up for me.

If someone was writing crap about him online, I would totally tell them to take a hike. Thoughts?
I expect my SO to let me fight my own battles, and stay out of it completely.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:27 PM
 
22,769 posts, read 29,286,430 times
Reputation: 14677
Of course!

I can't table-top someone without a partner.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:41 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 7,933,212 times
Reputation: 3966
Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
I expect my SO to let me fight my own battles, and stay out of it completely.
Mostly I agree with this, but she has dragged him into it by emailing him. So weird! I'll just tell him to ignore it rather than respond and cause more drama.
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Old 08-04-2009, 03:07 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,664 posts, read 38,309,298 times
Reputation: 17625
Ummm.... so if I read your post correctly, all the drama with this local expat woman is on a local message board and through email? Why not just you and your husband just exit the forum and ignore her?

While it's always comfortable to have a backup internet social life, they do tend to digress into high school level drama fests and mudslinging. I'd recommend just walking away from that forum and letting her keep her faux internet kingdom.

Maybe you could meet some new friends doing some real life social activities? Any good charity or volunteer organizations around to join?

Otherwise, to answer your thread topic question, while I would expect my s/o to back me up, and I know he would if asked, I prefer not to get him involved with that sort of stuff. I know how he hates juvenile dramafests.
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