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You say you don't want to resort to welfare, but this isn't about you, it's about creating a healthy homelife for your kids. I suggest you set aside your pride and get in touch with support agencies in your area....
I agree with Anneee and others: you must set aside foolish pride and seek whatever public assistance you can get -- you owe it to your kids to do that. Their needs must be met and you must not sacrifice their nutrition, physical needs, etc.
Next, you should tell your dad exactly what you said here (That you respect him as a man and your husband is a lout) and seek your dad's help. There are times in life that we can and should turn to family (and/or the dearest of friends) for help and OKisOK, now is that time. Again, do it for your kids. Your husband is clearly a terrible influnce and the bad seeds he plants will yield bitter fruit later on -- you must do all you can to try to stop that.
Talk to your Dad and tell him that you need his help. Take your kids and stay with him, if only temporarily to get yourself on your feet. Help your Dad help you by doing things for him around the house, etc.
Now is the time for you to put your kids first and that means setting aside silly pride, asking those around you for help, and doing all you can to help your kids and those who are willing to help you.
Maybe a woman's shelter would be a good place to go, if you don't have family members that will or could help you out. They can help you with finding a job and child care but I don't think it's wise at all to leave a child exposed to verbal abuse and pornography. A home has to be a sanctuary, there has to be respect for each other and it has to be a wholesome environment for children.
You'll be sorry if you never got to show your kids a different way to live.
The best thing to do is get the ball rolling. Get a lawyer, start the process. A lawyer can help you figure out some of your options too, how much child support the children will have, and how to protect yourself financially.
Sometimes the spouse will be jolted into reality and make an honest effort to change but doing nothing will just keep you depressed and you'll fall into that further.
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce this website has a lot of very useful, practical advice. I know it is hard, but try to be strong for your kids and do the right thing, get them and yourself in a better situation as soon as you can.
I say forget about counseling. Regardless of how mad he was, anyone who would say a terrible thing like that to his wife is a lost cause. Your kids would be much better off if you left and got government assistance. I've known several people who've been on WIC and they got a ton of food with it...so that'd be one less bill you'd have to worry about.
If you could stay with some friends or family temporarily, that would give you a chance to find a job and find an affordable place. Please don't waste your time with him anymore. There really isn't any shame in using government assistance, as long as you're trying to get on your feet while you're using it.
I think, the last time I heard, filing for divorce is $500 (in Arkansas, at least). But I could be wrong.
I've already lost my mind.. it moved to mars. It asked to borrow some boxes, but I didn't have any. It's alright, I don't mind if I don't have a mind.
Anyway...
I want to say thanks.. you've got that friggen song running through my head and now I'm not going to be able to sleep.. Good times, right?
Now, time to get down to business.
First, if you are seriously considering ending your life, or have even thoughts about that at all, you absolutely must talk to someone about it. I'm serious. I know you're depressed, but no matter how many questions you ask on here NOBODY is going to be able to help you. You have to help yourself, and the first thing to do to help yourself get better is by talking to a professional. No jokes there.. I don't care if you're afraid, or if you think it's silly, or whatever... If that's the mindset you're in, then do it.
Second, deal with the pride issue. Again, I'm serious. Everyone needs help at some point in time or another. Don't be afraid to ask for welfare, don't be afraid to ask help from your parents.. I know you don't want to be seen as the type that can't handle things, or that you don't want to burden your parents, or all that, but seriously, if you don't get help yourself then I'm sorry, but your parents WILL notice, and the worry they have for you will be far greater than anything you can place monetary value on. The thing about welfare, well, guess what? It was put in place as a tool to help people in your situation. There are also several (thousand it seems) government programs out there that you'll be able to get a lot of help from.
Thing is, these are just tools. They aren't meant to be used as "crutches", as the bad rap they have states, but instead, they are meant to help people in your position get into, well, a better position. I know that I've found a lot of things free of charge that I've needed in the past and haven't been able to pay for: Attorneys, business help, etc.. I know that's not what you would need, but I've also known a lot of people that's gotten help through food-stamps, government provided childcare, even free transportation.. You simply use these things until you get yourself and your children on better footing. Honestly, I don't mind a bit paying taxes for people that use the services responsibly - in fact, I'd pay more if I knew that it was being used right.
So the first thing you do is go speak to a counselor. Get yourself straightened out so that you can take care yourself and those you love. At the same time, get legal advice about getting a divorce, and find out what all you need to do to get it done. Once you have that information, start talking to people about assistance programs and all of that so that when the divorce is complete, you can simply move on with your new life. Use the programs as long as you need to, while at the same time looking for a good job, going to school, whatever you need to do.
The bottom line is this: The environment that you AND your kids are in is NOT healthy. You MUST get out of there as soon as you can, especially when your kids are exposed to porn and smoking and who-knows what else.
You'll find that once you're out of there, and have a good grasp on things, life will be a million times better than you thought it could be.
Does your 2 year old receive SSI from Social Security? Check into it. Call the 800 number for Social Security and tell them you are interested in Supplemental Security Income for your child. Medicaid comes along with that entitlement as does a monthly check.
If you are in an abusive relationship you can get a free attorney, contact your local courthouse. If you do not qualify for that you can do it yourself like I did (only pay filing fees and can even get that for free if you qualify financially). It is hard doing the paperwork though so if you know anyone that can help you with that take their help. I think most divorces probably cost $5,000-10,000, especially if children are involved. It took 6 mos. for mine to be complete from start to finish.
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