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Old 08-12-2009, 09:47 AM
 
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I am very concerned about a family member, who is living with an abusive and dangerous person. What are some good resources for the victim? She’s put up with it for 30 years, but it seems to be getting worse lately. At the very least, she’s lost years of happiness in her life. At the very worst, I fear a very bad outcome. Thanks in advance.
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Old 08-12-2009, 12:32 PM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
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Where is she? Resources such a DV shelters are in a lot of places, but not everywhere.

Many people think that leaving and getting a restraining order are the 2 most dangerous periods b/c the abuser gets boiling mad and will do anything to "show" her that he's in charge.
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Old 08-12-2009, 12:40 PM
 
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does she admit she is abused by her husband and want help? if not, someone needs to step in and notify the police of dcfs
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Old 08-12-2009, 12:40 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
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It's sad to say but if your family member has put up with this for 30 years, chances are very slim they are going to leave. I have some family members in the same situation and I know the only way out for them is if one of them dies first. So sad.
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Old 08-12-2009, 03:13 PM
 
Location: In my skin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
It's sad to say but if your family member has put up with this for 30 years, chances are very slim they are going to leave. I have some family members in the same situation and I know the only way out for them is if one of them dies first. So sad.
Sad, but true.

The first step is identifying and acknowledging the problem for what it is. Some good sites and resources:


Introduction - Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Public Resources - American Bar Association

WomensLaw.org | Home
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Old 08-12-2009, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Omaha
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
I am very concerned about a family member, who is living with an abusive and dangerous person. What are some good resources for the victim? She’s put up with it for 30 years, but it seems to be getting worse lately. At the very least, she’s lost years of happiness in her life. At the very worst, I fear a very bad outcome. Thanks in advance.
Not sure. I would guess her best resource would be herself, and her family.

Have you spoken with her about leaving?
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Old 08-12-2009, 09:53 PM
 
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Thanks for all the input. A few answers ... I don't know if she calls it abuse, but she realizes it's not normal. It is clearly abuse in my mind. He threatens her with "repercussions" if she doesn't do what he wants. She sometimes says she will be "punished," as well.

Sometimes she tells us not to call because it will make him mad. He controls when and where she can visit people -- she gets to visit her relatives no more than once every two years. This all came up because her mother -- my grandmother -- died. He is not letting her go to the funeral because she was there pretty recently so its not her time to go. We even all chipped in to pay for the plane ticket, and he is making her cancel it.

He controls all the money in the household. The husband is retired, and receives a pension, but he forces her to pay half of the bills. Because she didn't have a career, and raised kids, she doesn't get a pension. She has to work, even though she is older than he is, while he just does retired stuff all day. Any money left over he controls, even if she earned it.

He can get set off on unpredictable rages -- you never know when or why. I don't know if he is physically abusive now. I know he has hit her in the past. Not terribly frequently, but it did happen.

I've spoken to her about leaving. I don't think it will happen, but I wish she would. She is too afraid. If she had left after the first few years, it might have been easier. It's getting worse as the husband gets older.

It's a very sad situation. In the short-term, I want her to be able to go to her mothers' funeral. In the long-term no one should have to put up with what she does on a daily basis.
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Old 08-12-2009, 10:10 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
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30 years is along time, Some times courage and support isn't enough.
I compare it to being brainwashed, shes completely obedient.
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Old 08-13-2009, 02:30 AM
 
Location: In my skin
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Here are 10 signs of abuse, that she is clearly experiencing:

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

From the article - Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

I don't care what anyone says, it is not always as simple as packing up and leaving, especially when there are kids involved. There is a reason they target women with little confidence and self-esteem. To a stronger person, one violent outburst would be reason enough to leave. To these women, one violent outburst becomes the reason to stay, out of fear. There is nothing scarier than an abuser who realizes he has lost control of his victim.

After 30 years, I imagine she is but a shell of what she once was, if she can even remember who that woman was. And after 30 years, he is probably not going to be so quick to let her go. I doubt it will be easy. At the same time, control is not taken as much as it is given. She is going to have to open herself up to two things to even get started. 1) She is worthy of more and 2) he is a mere mortal, not the ruler of the universe. He may be dangerous, but he still bleeds like the rest of us.

That is no way to spend 30 years. My heart goes out to her.
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Old 08-13-2009, 04:26 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
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well said passthechocolate, it's not easy to leave though, like an addiction, the person has to be ready to get out and some never are and you can't make someone leave.
My ex's parents lived like that for 35 years until he died...now she's suffering and scared because she has no idea of how to live without his ruling and running everything...sad beyond words
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