Here are 10 signs of abuse, that she is clearly experiencing:
1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers.
Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention.
He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5.
Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7.
Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.
From the article -
Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man
I don't care what anyone says, it is not always as simple as packing up and leaving, especially when there are kids involved. There is a reason they target women with little confidence and self-esteem. To a stronger person, one violent outburst would be reason enough to leave. To these women, one violent outburst becomes the reason to stay, out of fear. There is nothing scarier than an abuser who realizes he has lost control of his victim.
After 30 years, I imagine she is but a shell of what she once was, if she can even remember who that woman was. And after 30 years, he is probably not going to be so quick to let her go. I doubt it will be easy. At the same time, control is not taken as much as it is given. She is going to have to open herself up to two things to even get started. 1) She is worthy of more and 2) he is a mere mortal, not the ruler of the universe. He may be dangerous, but he still bleeds like the rest of us.
That is no way to spend 30 years. My heart goes out to her.