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I'm sorry but you don't seem very honest. You say you love her but you fear committment so you can't get married. That's an excuse. You lie about your financial status. Nothing honest there. You carry on about the inital hot lust being gone and things are comfortable. - It's called a long term relationship, guy. You are wasting her time and yours.
No he's not. He's happy, she seems happy as well, why change? Because her friends/family are pretty much giving her social pressure to committ a formal oathe that unfortunately has more long-term financial risk involved to HIM than it does HER?
I say he's fine, it's just social pressure, everyone is raised to believe you have to get married if you love someone and that it's seen as some level of life success. It's all BS. I say don't get married, see if she's truly happy with the way things are and if she is then great. You can have children, you can live together, you just aren't bound by a legal contract to cough up half your earnings to her if she decides 20 years down the road she decides "she loves you but isn't IN love with you" anymore. That **** happens all the time to men (and women).
If you REALLY feel like getting married, then alter the contract to protect yourself. Two words: Prenuptual Agreement.
^ what Ivory said. Sounds like she needs to get out on her own anyway and start working and learning how to save money.
I would be pretty pissed off if some guy kept me around for 5 years with no intenton of every marrying me Although, I would never have stuck around that long anyway.
Is he holding a gun to her head saying she can't leave? He hasn't hinted or led her on to getting married to her. She can walk at anytime. Women today have choices, she can make hers.
What WOULD be a waste is if he married her just because he felt obligated by social norms or because he felt like he owed her. That's the worst reason to marry IMO.
Ah....keep drinking the milk! If she keeps nagging you, break up. Invest another few years into someone else, if it doesn't work......then someone else.... Finally, when you are old and gray maybe you will have spent enough time drinking milk you will be strong enough to care for yourself when you are 80 and alone!
Maybe you should be upfront and honest with her and see if she still wants to marry you after she's found out you've been fibbing to her.
Yup, nothing worse than a LIAR. If you really loved this woman, you would have been honest with her from the get-go. To be fair, she doesn't sound like a winner,either And, unless she happens to be a true domestic goddess-type (which is rare these days) or gets a really good job and you are the dosmestic goddess-type (LOL) I wouldn't marry her or continue the relationship
Is he holding a gun to her head saying she can't leave? He hasn't hinted or led her on to getting married to her. She can walk at anytime. Women today have choices, she can make hers.
What WOULD be a waste is if he married her just because he felt obligated by social norms or because he felt like he owed her. That's the worst reason to marry IMO.
Oh for goodness sakes, settle down already
My second quote was my own opinion about my own life and if I were in that situation, which I NEVER would be because I would NEVER stick around that long.
Also, I never said he should marry her or that he owed her anything I agreed with Ivory that they should split
Seems to me, since you don't respect her, you don't respect yourself. You find it easier to stay in the relationship because it would be difficult to find someone else? That is pretty lame IMO. You both have choices here. You can choose to stay in the relationship and so can she. My advice would be to keep children out of the equation. If she wants to get married and have a child, she can go find a different man. I wonder how she would feel if she read what you posted here.....
Go ahead and build your dream house. Why would she want to help you if it is "your" dream house? Maybe if she felt that there was a future with you, she would be the first one to paint the bathroom. But if there is nothing in it for her, why would you expect her to offer to help? If you talk to her the way you write about her, I can see why she doesn't care.
WOW just WOW...where do I even start? Only on CD can an unemployed, unmarried, without child woman be living with and be supported by a man and somehow have it twisted around that the MAN is using the WOMAN?!!! Say WHAT!!! LOL You have GOT to be joking!
All I have to say is I understand your situation completely. Women say "just trust me" all the time but what does that really mean? You're either talking or walking...and talk doesn't mean much. The fact is, some bring WAY more into a relationship than the other. Take me for instance, I'm packing some money and also could care less about commitment. Just so you know you're not alone. I have had both relatives and women run the line of "well you're not getting any younger, you better think about settling down." Why? I feel no need to race the biological clock. It just frustrates them to no end. It would be like you packing your gf's parachute and she packing yours. You both fly up in the airplane and when it is time to jump, you find out you're the only one jumping. Fact is, you're doing all the trusting in this relationship. How can you trust her when she isn't even jumping? It is your life on the line.
Like I said, we're both in the same boat. If she just up and left, how would you react? It sounds like it is her turn to make the next move. Sounds like you have everything you want right now, no? I think it would be kind of crazy to sit her down and tell her how you feel and potentially drive the only woman worth laying in you town away...or am I the only one seeing this? I'll say it again, this is the story of my life. I come from a VERY small town also but travel a bit so have that in my favor. What people here don't understand is when you live out in the sticks, just finding a girl you are attracted to may be 50 miles away...that's not EVEN mentioning whether she's compatable with you or not. Back in the woods, you may not have the best...but at least you have the best thing going in the area.
No he's not. He's happy, she seems happy as well, why change? Because her friends/family are pretty much giving her social pressure to committ a formal oathe that unfortunately has more long-term financial risk involved to HIM than it does HER?
I say he's fine, it's just social pressure, everyone is raised to believe you have to get married if you love someone and that it's seen as some level of life success. It's all BS. I say don't get married, see if she's truly happy with the way things are and if she is then great. You can have children, you can live together, you just aren't bound by a legal contract to cough up half your earnings to her if she decides 20 years down the road she decides "she loves you but isn't IN love with you" anymore. That **** happens all the time to men (and women).
If you REALLY feel like getting married, then alter the contract to protect yourself. Two words: Prenuptual Agreement.
Cdubs3201 When did I say anything about marriage? The OP spoke of marriage - the problem seems to be they have been together and he "can't commit" .... 5 years and you can't commit = a waste of time.
The OP is not honest with her about his financial status and it may be about marriage. If she is hinting about getting married and he doesn't want to the honest thing to do is SAY SO.
A pre-nup is fine - everyone should have one - but that wasn't the issue at hand. Again the issue was commitment - be it marriage, living togerther or just dating. The important thing is to be honest about your intensions. In my view the OP is not being honest with her. I think it would be more honest for him to simply state, "Let's keep our relationship as is, I like it this way. I don't want to get married. I like things as they are." She may be fine with it - or she may be disapointed that marriage is not possible and walk. Either way, it's honest.
Additionally the way the OP spoke about "a pice of butt" it's easy to understand how that hot lust may have faded away! I read nothing that tells me this is a "forever" type of relationship, at least not for the OP.
He, the OP, must be true to his own feelings and should be honest about his fellings with her.
At least twice a week she jokes about how we're not married yet. All light-hearted but she's consistent with it.
She obviously doesn't feel secure in the relationship. Marriage is hugely symbolic, and the resistance to it is also significant of your feelings.
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I think the number one thing that annoys me, or scares me, is that she keeps on bringing up the subject of money, particularly my money. This is where it gets really crazy! I make up how much I spend. Like I'll get a credit card bill, open it up and gasp that it is $2400! I won't show her but in reality, it might be $600 at best. I have money in two banks. One is just savings/checking (15k) and the other holds the vast majority of my holdings/investment interests.
This raises red flags. You are lying to her about your finances. No wonder she keeps asking about them....she may sense you are not truthful. In a marriage, finances are usually kept open because there's a general "our money" mentality, not a "my money" mentality, since you are a family unit. Maybe she sees this is a sign that your relationship really isn't like a marriage as you say it. And if you lie about this, what else do you lie about?
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She on the other hand has about no savings, currently unemployed and really is not bringing anything to the table here. She's not a bum, she looks for work every day, there's just not too much out there around these parts. Hard worker and she works when there is work, but there's just nothing out there now.
Well, if she's honestly looking, then what else can you ask? Is money the only thing to bring to the table?
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In all honesty, I think she's hinting at taking the housewife/sah-mom route. That's cool but we don't have to get married, right? If things don't work out, I'd rather just anty up the child support than split everything plus pay the support. Am I wrong here?
It seems you have different life goals, which is a problem.
And if a woman spends her time devoted to caring for the home and children, and then her partner leaves, she now has to get a job outside the home. Except, it's going to be even harder because she will have a HUGE gap in her employment, plus she is still the primary caregiver for the children. This is partly why women get half in a divorce even if she did not work. Her career sacrifice to raise YOUR spawn enabled you to work full time with free childcare and homemaking.
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I just don't see anything positive coming from marriage except for tax reasons. We've been together for five years and the initial mad lust is gone. It is already like we're married. I care for her, am loyal to her and love her. Every once in awhile she throws a peice of butt my way and that makes me happy and everything is good. Everything is just comfortable and smooth sailing and I like that.
What difference will marriage make? It will make her happy and give a greater sense of security to the relationship. It makes your relationship and any future children legitimate. It has a symbolism that is spiritual for many. It's a formal dedication and declaration of your promise to spend the rest of your life together. There's many reasons.
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I want to build my dream house now, a 2800sqft southern style colonial. Of course being a guy of strong work ethic, I want to take off work and build it myself and subcontract out my help. Her responce was of why don't I just get a loan and buy it? I didn't realize it then but do now that I was really testing her and she failed. I guess in a way, I thought if she was right there beside me laying brick and mortar, that we could call this house "ours." Instead, it looks like I'm on my own and will once again think of the home as "mine." I take care of her now so it isn't think she's doing anything else.
Again different goals and perspective, which is a problem. Maybe she thinks that caring for the home and raising your future children is a pretty significant contribution?
"Testing" someone is very passive-aggressive. Why not be direct and clear with your feelings and ask her to explain her feelings to see if she is on the same page? Instead, you jump to conclusions on her view. Maybe she thinks buying the home will be less hassle for you. If you buy a house, she may actually be the one doing more physical work to make it a "home" (decorating, organizing, etc).
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Hard to put into words but just something that says we're in this together and we're going to build this life together. It just makes me uneasy thinking the weight of her and any kids we might have is entirely on my shoulders. I would like to think if anything happens to me, she can take care of herself and kids. If I lose my job, all eyes won't be on me but on us.
You seem to value money more than anything. There are many forms in which support and contributions come into a marriage and raising children. Does she bring you emotional support? Does she care for your home? Why must it be monetary?
Maybe she is holding back because she doesn't sense the commitment she needs. It sounds like you too need to have a talk and both be open and honest about your future goals and expectations.
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Although, I would never have stuck around that long anyway.
If she keeps nagging you, break up. Invest another few years into someone else, if it doesn't work......then someone else.... Finally, when you are old and gray maybe you will have spent enough time drinking milk you will be strong enough to care for yourself when you are 80 and alone! 
