Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been seeing a woman for the better part of five years now with no marriage yet. I know, I may be afraid of commitment. It is just that I am happy with the way things are now and I am scared of losing what I've gained. Also, we've all heard the term why buy the cow when the milk's free.
At least twice a week she jokes about how we're not married yet. All light-hearted but she's consistent with it. I have to give her that.
I think the number one thing that annoys me, or scares me, is that she keeps on bringing up the subject of money, particularly my money. This is where it gets really crazy! I make up how much I spend. Not what you think here. I make up that I spend more than I actually do! She knows I do alright but can't seem to add up in her head why I only have 15k in savings.
Like I'll get a credit card bill, open it up and gasp that it is $2400! I won't show her but in reality, it might be $600 at best. I have money in two banks. One is just savings/checking (15k) and the other holds the vast majority of my holdings/investment interests.
She on the other hand has about no savings, currently unemployed and really is not bringing anything to the table here. She's not a bum, she looks for work every day, there's just not too much out there around these parts. Hard worker and she works when there is work, but there's just nothing out there now. In all honesty, I think she's hinting at taking the housewife/sah-mom route. That's cool but we don't have to get married, right? If things don't work out, I'd rather just anty up the child support than split everything plus pay the support. Am I wrong here?
I just don't see anything positive coming from marriage except for tax reasons. We've been together for five years and the initial mad lust is gone. It is already like we're married. I care for her, am loyal to her and love her. Every once in awhile she throws a peice of butt my way and that makes me happy and everything is good. Everything is just comfortable and smooth sailing and I like that.
I want to build my dream house now, a 2800sqft southern style colonial. Of course being a guy of strong work ethic, I want to take off work and build it myself and subcontract out my help. Her responce was of why don't I just get a loan and buy it? I didn't realize it then but do now that I was really testing her and she failed. I guess in a way, I thought if she was right there beside me laying brick and mortar, that we could call this house "ours." Instead, it looks like I'm on my own and will once again think of the home as "mine." I take care of her now so it isn't think she's doing anything else.
Or am I just weird in my thinking and just some overly controlling guy? To take a relationship to that kind of level, I need some kind of sacrifice of love to me. Hard to put into words but just something that says we're in this together and we're going to build this life together. I thought that house was her/our ticket to accomplishing that but I guess not. After that house was built, I was willing to go all in with the marriage, money, anything. It just makes me uneasy thinking the weight of her and any kids we might have is entirely on my shoulders. I would like to think if anything happens to me, she can take care of herself and kids. If I lose my job, all eyes won't be on me but on us.
I've lurked here and know there are guys that can relate.
Maybe you should just stay the way you are...seems most of my friends that are married have problems or money problems or other things..some even got a marriage counselors. Which they say helps...but its sad it had to happen. Anyways in common laws two more yrs your legally married.
I know I lie about the money and in a way it is wrong but I also want to build this relationship up from equal footings which in this case, is nothing (because she has nothing). So in a way, I'm bringing myself down to her level and want to start anew being equal in all aspects.
This is why some millionaires live very mundane, middle-class lives and don't reveal to their fiance that they have 50 million in the bank until a day before they're married.
If she knew I could just buy the house, why would she want to help me build it?
I'm ok where I am in life right now. She's pushing the issue and I tried to accommodate her. I am one of the most laid back people you'll ever come across. I take life as it comes to me. If I have kids, I do, if I don't, I don't. I'm content with being a great uncle to all the other rugrats in the family.
My gf is what she is and in all honesty, it isn't getting any better around these parts. It is real rural and it is questionable if there is even a singles scene. It is not like I can dump her and go out and pick from the copious amounts of other fish. Most guys are happy if they find a fish still flapping on the dried up lake bottom around here.
So what, you keep her around because the single scene isn't hopping and you get your piece every now and then? Did you let her know that little tidbit when she jokes about marriage?
I've been seeing a woman for the better part of five years now with no marriage yet. I know, I may be afraid of commitment. It is just that I am happy with the way things are now and I am scared of losing what I've gained. Also, we've all heard the term why buy the cow when the milk's free.
I get fear of commitment. If you're not ready, you're not ready. But that statement is very derrogatory. Even if it is honest, it's still not something I would appreciate my guy saying about me. My level of respect would drop significantly. Just sayin'.
Quote:
At least twice a week she jokes about how we're not married yet. All light-hearted but she's consistent with it. I have to give her that.
I think the number one thing that annoys me, or scares me, is that she keeps on bringing up the subject of money, particularly my money. This is where it gets really crazy! I make up how much I spend. Not what you think here. I make up that I spend more than I actually do! She knows I do alright but can't seem to add up in her head why I only have 15k in savings.
Like I'll get a credit card bill, open it up and gasp that it is $2400! I won't show her but in reality, it might be $600 at best. I have money in two banks. One is just savings/checking (15k) and the other holds the vast majority of my holdings/investment interests.
How does she bring up the subject of your money? And why is it that you do this?
Quote:
She on the other hand has about no savings, currently unemployed and really is not bringing anything to the table here. She's not a bum, she looks for work every day, there's just not too much out there around these parts. Hard worker and she works when there is work, but there's just nothing out there now. In all honesty, I think she's hinting at taking the housewife/sah-mom route. That's cool but we don't have to get married, right? If things don't work out, I'd rather just anty up the child support than split everything plus pay the support. Am I wrong here?
Yes. Her financial status is not an issue of being lazy, you've acknowledged that she tries to find work and will work. She has been with you for 5 years, you live like a married couple and you're talking about spending your life with her and even have kids, but you want to be able to keep everything if it doesn't work out?
Quote:
I just don't see anything positive coming from marriage except for tax reasons. We've been together for five years and the initial mad lust is gone. It is already like we're married. I care for her, am loyal to her and love her. Every once in awhile she throws a peice of butt my way and that makes me happy and everything is good. Everything is just comfortable and smooth sailing and I like that.
Again, 5 years, it's like you're married. But you don't want to share. This is not a partnership, sadly.
Quote:
I want to build my dream house now, a 2800sqft southern style colonial. Of course being a guy of strong work ethic, I want to take off work and build it myself and subcontract out my help. Her responce was of why don't I just get a loan and buy it? I didn't realize it then but do now that I was really testing her and she failed. I guess in a way, I thought if she was right there beside me laying brick and mortar, that we could call this house "ours." Instead, it looks like I'm on my own and will once again think of the home as "mine." I take care of her now so it isn't think she's doing anything else. Or am I just weird in my thinking and just some overly controlling guy? To take a relationship to that kind of level, I need some kind of sacrifice of love to me. Hard to put into words but just something that says we're in this together and we're going to build this life together. I thought that house was her/our ticket to accomplishing that but I guess not.
I don't think you were testing her. I think you are reaching for the best possible justification. The fact that she suggested a loan means you're on your own? Is that the ONLY way to show "sacrifice"? In order for her to prove she is worthy of you sharing with her, she has to build a house with you from the bottom up? Expecting someone to build an entire house is way over the top as far as proving oneself goes.
Quote:
After that house was built, I was willing to go all in with the marriage, money, anything. It just makes me uneasy thinking the weight of her and any kids we might have is entirely on my shoulders. I would like to think if anything happens to me, she can take care of herself and kids. If I lose my job, all eyes won't be on me but on us.
You already said she is willing to work, she just can't find work, so that is not really the issue either.
You mentioned she was hinting at the SAHM/housewife route and it's okay with you, you just don't want to get married. Again, fear of commitment is understandable, but it is a fear of sharing that I am seeing. You'd be happy to have her commit to you, live with you as a married couple and even have your children. There is no monetary value to that so she's not bringing anything to the table. Your money is yours, your house is yours, what's yours remains yours. You are essentially loaning her a life with you.
It looks to me like you're looking to dump your inability to commit on her. You've already admitted to the cow/milk thing and that the only benefit to marriage are the tax benefits. What this all boils down to is money. JMHO.
I don't even know why she is still with me. I've even told her to go out and make something better of her life and send me a postcard when she has kids. It is like the Alamo, I guess she figures she'll just wait me out. There isn't much to my life and I'm as predictable as they come. Hell, I've been eating the same cereal for breakfast for a decade.
Ever watch that movie The Notebook? That is all we do, we fight all the time. Of course we both keep away from each other's tender subjects out of respect I suppose. I never bring up that she should get a job and stop mooching and she never brings up a lot of things about me, too much to list here. I'm in no way perfect.
When I said she was a hard worker, I meant in an office setting kind of way. She'll work through the night over-viewing legal papers, going through accounting information and the like but there are no jobs like that around here. She used to work at our town's only law firm but that closed. Then she worked as an accountant for a local contractor but they closed down also. She has -city skills- but refuses to leave the country lifestyle. I really don't know what to tell her at this point. She knows she'll always have a home here. She knows if she leaves and she ever returns, I'll take her back. She knows I'm open to kids. She's on the pill and we use no protection. It would be very easy for her to forget to take it and trap me. I always figured if it happens it happens.
She really doesn't do much throughout the day. She goes to the store to buy food, makes supper(I wash the dishes), mows the lawn, and she washes our clothes. It may be an hour of work a day.
Why do I keep her around? It is better than being lonely no matter how you look at it. It is nice sleeping with someone, talking to someone, drinking coffee on the porch with someone and even fighting with someone.
Why does she stay with me? Good question. To her, I'm one of a kind. There is no other. She sees how hard I work, how I think, how I am with kids, how I'm kind to everyone, and how I can get a little crazy in the bedroom. That being said, the lines are drawn. Probably why she isn't pregnant yet. I wouldn't blame her for forgetting her pill. I'd take it in stride and probably be happy, even relieved about it.
As far as the money, I make sure to make up excuses of where all the money is going. Most of it makes it into savings. I on the other hand say it goes to a lot of gas, new tools, personal loans, and the bar is a big one. She thinks I should stop waisting it which is kind of weird since she's the one with the money problems, even when she was working. I always told her work doesn't last forever and she should save more. Once she dug herself out of her debt hole, every paycheck she got was gone by the next paycheck living the high life. As for me, I'm just a steady-as-she-goes type guy that can weather any storm and keep on sailing. Just an Eeyore kind of guy in this crazy life we live.
She knows very well money is the issue. She is quite aware of her past money management skills and the fact she is eating her foot right now. I don't throw it in her face or hardly discuss it, but she knows that is what bothers me. She is afraid to leave because someone might snatch me up in the mean time. Which I admit, could happen. We are kind of inbred in these parts. Corner real estate doesn't stay on the market long. Standards aren't too high. If you're a guy and have transportation and a job, you can have your pick.
I keep a stock of money in my shirt drawer and she takes it as she needs it. If she needs personal things or anything, she takes what she needs. I really don't keep track of it all. Something went wrong with her car and she took $200+ of it two weeks ago. She takes only what she needs and I leave it at that. I don't hold money over her head or force her to stick around. I just don't want to get married.
I don't trust the courts. I've had relatives with self-written contracts torn apart in the legal system as well as seeing an attorney prepared land agreement mean absolutely nothing in front of the judge.
I'm a man of trust until something comes along to break that trust. With my handshake, you have a promise solid as anything found.
1. I absolutely CAN'T imagine myself not building OUR house together, side-by-side, discussing design and layout for our future family. I come with city skills, but I am not averse to trades and other aspects of a rural life. Living "city life" in rural area is pretentious. And, there is nothing better than having a house where you know every corner and every nail... and the energy of both of you put into this symbol of commitment...
2. More men and women are getting reluctant to be sharing with a less money-endowed partner. It may destroy a cushion one person accumulated his/her whole life. On the other hand, it may leave women with kids in poverty. But, as someone said, living so many years together equals common law marriage, with all the consequences of a regular marriage if you split.
But, I am put off by a cavalier tone of your posts. She is apparently easily interchangeable with another woman. It just doesn't smell right. It makes you look as if you are using each other.
I don't even know why she is still with me. I've even told her to go out and make something better of her life and send me a postcard when she has kids. It is like the Alamo, I guess she figures she'll just wait me out. There isn't much to my life and I'm as predictable as they come. Hell, I've been eating the same cereal for breakfast for a decade.
Ever watch that movie The Notebook? That is all we do, we fight all the time. Of course we both keep away from each other's tender subjects out of respect I suppose. I never bring up that she should get a job and stop mooching and she never brings up a lot of things about me, too much to list here. I'm in no way perfect.
When I said she was a hard worker, I meant in an office setting kind of way. She'll work through the night over-viewing legal papers, going through accounting information and the like but there are no jobs like that around here. She used to work at our town's only law firm but that closed. Then she worked as an accountant for a local contractor but they closed down also. She has -city skills- but refuses to leave the country lifestyle. I really don't know what to tell her at this point. She knows she'll always have a home here. She knows if she leaves and she ever returns, I'll take her back. She knows I'm open to kids. She's on the pill and we use no protection. It would be very easy for her to forget to take it and trap me. I always figured if it happens it happens.
She really doesn't do much throughout the day. She goes to the store to buy food, makes supper(I wash the dishes), mows the lawn, and she washes our clothes. It may be an hour of work a day.
Why do I keep her around? It is better than being lonely no matter how you look at it. It is nice sleeping with someone, talking to someone, drinking coffee on the porch with someone and even fighting with someone.
Why does she stay with me? Good question. To her, I'm one of a kind. There is no other. She sees how hard I work, how I think, how I am with kids, how I'm kind to everyone, and how I can get a little crazy in the bedroom. That being said, the lines are drawn. Probably why she isn't pregnant yet. I wouldn't blame her for forgetting her pill. I'd take it in stride and probably be happy, even relieved about it.
As far as the money, I make sure to make up excuses of where all the money is going. Most of it makes it into savings. I on the other hand say it goes to a lot of gas, new tools, personal loans, and the bar is a big one. She thinks I should stop waisting it which is kind of weird since she's the one with the money problems, even when she was working. I always told her work doesn't last forever and she should save more. Once she dug herself out of her debt hole, every paycheck she got was gone by the next paycheck living the high life. As for me, I'm just a steady-as-she-goes type guy that can weather any storm and keep on sailing. Just an Eeyore kind of guy in this crazy life we live.
She knows very well money is the issue. She is quite aware of her past money management skills and the fact she is eating her foot right now. I don't throw it in her face or hardly discuss it, but she knows that is what bothers me. She is afraid to leave because someone might snatch me up in the mean time. Which I admit, could happen. We are kind of inbred in these parts. Corner real estate doesn't stay on the market long. Standards aren't too high. If you're a guy and have transportation and a job, you can have your pick.
I keep a stock of money in my shirt drawer and she takes it as she needs it. If she needs personal things or anything, she takes what she needs. I really don't keep track of it all. Something went wrong with her car and she took $200+ of it two weeks ago. She takes only what she needs and I leave it at that. I don't hold money over her head or force her to stick around. I just don't want to get married.
Well, I guess you can both choose to stay in this relationship for the sake of not being alone and "mooching" or get out and find something you can both benefit from. Good luck.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
